It’s disturbing how often I find myself shouting, “Stop biting the vacuum cleaner!”
I posted something similar to that sentence on Twitter Thursday morning. Within minutes, I had replies from oodles of Twitter pals offering similar phrases they never thought they’d find themselves yelling:
- Get your butt out of my face!
- Stop licking the carpet!
- Don’t eat that!
- Stop dominating her!
- Quit biting your tushy!
At a certain point, it occurred to me none of us actually specified we were talking about pets. Perhaps some of us weren’t.
Nevertheless, the whole thing made me giggle, and made me post it on Facebook just for more giggles. (For the record, if you think I make this stuff up for cheap laughs, behold the reply on Facebook from my young roommate noting how he overheard me yelling the vacuum thing that very morning. It’s true, people. Except when it’s not).
What are some phrases you’ve caught yourself shouting to pets, kids, or significant others that make you shake your head and mutter, “is this really my life?”
Please share! We could all use the laughter.
Also, don’t forget to drop by The Debutante Ball today where we’ve been chatting about writing advice all week. Today, I tell you why you should ignore me.
Have a great weekend!
Stop butt checking your brother!
ReplyDeleteIs my favorite. Followed by -
Wait! I have to take my shoes off first!
- said to two shoe fetish lhasas that love to lick the insides of my crocs and sneakers.
Don't lick all the hair off your butt!
ReplyDeleteMy poor greyhound finally has hair growing on her bald butt. I feel for her because it's gotta be itchy but it'd be nice not to explain to strangers why she has hair everywhere but there.
Well, you used a couple of mine in the post, so I'm not sure what else to put here. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, wait. Here's one.
"Dude! I'm on the toilet!"
"Wait a minute, I have to get out of this chair."
ReplyDeleteWe still have the electric recliner we bought for my dad and it is very slow going up and down.
Makes me sound geriatric. Which I'm not. Yet.
Stop humping my leg.
ReplyDeleteDon't chew my elastics.
Get your head out of my glass.
Don't bite his nipple!
Stop kneading my boobs.
A penis is not a toy! (I guess that one's dependent on your point of view, but I didn't think my then bf would have appreciated the cat's idea of what one does with a toy)
I believe I once shouted to my young sons, "Who walked on my walls?"
ReplyDeleteThere were footprints on the walls. I do not understand this though I suspect a Spiderman movie was somehow involved.
As for pets, I have only fish. I did open the tank once and yell, "Spit him out right now!" and only then saw the window was wide open. A woman out walking her dog was doubled over laughing.
I don't have kids or pets, but I used some very inappropriate/unprofessional language at work today.
ReplyDeleteThe jury-rigged solution we had used to solve a problem previously (that had worked due to luck, sweat and chewing gum) had not been repeatable even though the problem was.
Much swearing happened. I got away with it because I was basically saying what everyone was thinking.
Dogsitting for my brother and sister in law's two dogs elicited the following line from me:
ReplyDelete"Stop humping your sister!"
Ha! I remember once pouring diet coke into a glass and the soda immediately foamed over the side. My husband starting screaming "Suck it, suck it, suck it!" By which he meant the foam, of course. We lived in an LA apartment at the time, which meant our windows were wide open and the neighboring building something like a foot away. I definitely got eyed the next day.
ReplyDelete"Don't eat that rock!"
ReplyDelete"Play-do isn't people food."
"If you don't knock it off, I'm going to tie you in a knot and sell you to the gypsies."
The ritual reply to that last one is, "Gypsies? Oh, boy! How much will you get for me, Mom?"
Takes a smartass to raise a smartass . . .
***
True story:
So, I'm working at the smallest (one room) branch of our library, which is next to a huge, fecund oak tree that likes to scatter its acorns everywhere, much to the delight of our smallest patrons, who like to gather them and do whatever it is small children do with acorns.
A boy comes in, accompanied by his mother, and heads for the restroom at the end of the check out desk. You could hear the sound of the faucet going full blast in the sink. After a while, his mother knocks on the door and says, "C'mon, honey, people are waiting."
And he yells back at the top of his lungs, "Just a second, Mom! I'm washing my nuts!!"
Imagine, if you will, the sound of fifteen people strangling themselves trying not to laugh and cause this poor woman more embarrassment. We were all lucky she started laughing first.
@Meredith - that is hilarious! My neighbors hear me in the back yard a few times a day saying, "Go pee-pee. Go pee-pee! PEE-PEE!" Followed by "Let's go get a pee-pee treat!" And sometimes I even sing the pee-pee treat song, which is to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree." We have a high fence.
ReplyDeleteI am cracking up out loud while I am reading these.
ReplyDeleteMy 5 yr old son wants to know what is so funny.
I say, nothing.
He says, are you reading the word butt?
I say, not everything about butts is funny.
He says, yes it is.
Thanks for the extra laughs today!
Do NOT lick your peepee on the couch.
ReplyDeleteThat would be our fave with almost-year-old puppy. (No I'm not warning my husband about couch behavior, nor is he that flexible0
I used to snap, "Don't eat with your mouth full!"
ReplyDeleteI could never seem to say talk when I snapped at them for talking with food in their mouths. Ig worked about as well, when you yell don't eat with your mouth full the person eating usually stops talking at chewing, you just have to hope they don't choke when they start laughing.
Wow and I need to spell check before I post. Sorry bout that.
ReplyDeleteI have a puppy named Rocco. When he first came to live with us I called him Rock A Doodle because my kids used to love that stupid movie. Now I go out in the back yard and yell Rock a Doodle Doo when I'm trying to get him to come in. Wonder what the neighbors think about that?
To my daughter, almost daily: "We don't LICK people!"
ReplyDeleteI can't think of anything that crazy I've yelled. But I did once say to my neighbour (talking about the roof-cicles we have in winter) "Once in a while you have ot go outside and beat it off."
ReplyDeleteNearly fell of my chair while reading these!
ReplyDeleteI empathize with my characters easily and often act out what they're doing. Loudly sometimes.
I have an 8 year old coton de tulear dog. Sometimes in the morning she wakes me up in peculiar ways.
"Get off my face!"
and "Don't do the ass-dance on the sofa!"
BF just shouted at the dog "Stop licking the sofa!"
ReplyDelete