Monday, May 24, 2010

Things that sound dirty but aren't

It snowed on Saturday.

Not a lot, but enough to convince us that when the sun broke a few hours later, we’d better hit the hiking trail fast if we wanted to do so without the aid of snowshoes.

You might think being surrounded by fresh air and beautiful scenery would lead to a lot of meaningful pondering about my current manuscript.
This is me pondering meaningfully.
You’d be only partly right.

As is often the case, every phrase Pythagoras and I uttered managed to come out sounding dirty.

Think I’m kidding? Here are a few gems from our Saturday hike:
  • “It’s too narrow to ride abreast” (me complaining about mountain bikers riding side-by-side on the trail).
  • “They’re cavity nesters – that’s why the box is like that” (Pythagoras explaining the nesting habits of wood ducks and the homes built for them by Forest Service crews).
  • “Get your nose out of that hole!” (me scolding the dog for chasing a ground squirrel)
  • “I hope they’re planning to trim the bushes” (Pythagoras remarking on the overgrown foliage along the trail)
  • Pythagoras: I’m worried the lava rock is really hard on her paws. Me: You said "hard-on."
  • “Are you coming?”(me to a dawdling Pythagoras).
On the bright side, there is actually some element of this in my current manuscript, so all is not lost.

How about you? Did anything about your weekend leave you giggling like a middle schooler? Please share in the comments.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get off the internet and start working on the manuscript.

I said "get off."


Unknown said...

ahahaha! perfect post for a Monday morning! lol :)

Anonymous said...

Heh. I smiled at each one of those.

I was on Skype with a couple friends last night, and one them was trying to get her headphones plugged in.

Me: "What are you *doing*?"
Her: "I'm trying to get it in the right hole."
Me: "..."

We all busted up laughing, and it wasn't even 2 minutes into the call. I love my friends.

Patty Blount said...

Yep! *nods head*

My sons follow NASCAR and there's one driver whose name always makes me snicker. "Almondinger". I can't help myself.

They also follow hockey and there's a player whose name is "O'Douya". It's sounds like "I'll do ya."

There is a whole list of names that make me chortle and one night, at dinner, we were going over them when my youngest chimes in... "Let's not forget 'Johnson'". Dear God, I nearly needed to be Heimliched.

Sierra Godfrey said...

Hee hee hee! I made lots of innuendos to Mr. Sierra too and also lots of poo and fart jokes.

Nothing like poo and fart jokes to make me laugh. Please don’t judge me.

Anonymous said...

Well...let's see. I attended my brother's bachelor party (because I'm one of the "groomsmen" groomswoman...wth).

I sat down with my beer and one of the other groomsmen said "That's a thick bottle." Of course, I couldn't resist saying, "I like 'em thick". I think they were worried I would be offended, but then I found out one of the guys was a Geometry teacher and I had to say, "Oh cool...I've heard Geometry teachers know all the angles." Last I heard (or remember hearing), he's planning to get a t-shirt that says that.

Patrick Alan said...

I would have guessed you were over there to pass gas. The dog looks like it knows what is about to happen!

Jamie D. said...

LOL - I love your photo. Looks so peaceful there...

Hubby and I don't go a day without intentionally taking at least one innocent comment and turning it into something...not so innocent. Innuendo is fun. ;-)

Linda G. said...

Ha! Let's see. TG said, "I'm going to lay the fire," which got me giggling. When he was taking the steak out to the grill, I said, "That's the biggest piece of meat I've ever seen." To which he responded, "Thanks. Makes it tough to zip sometimes, though." (Yeah, you can see we were meant for each other.)

Angela Perry said...

The other day, brother-in-law comes wandering in and announces to the room at large, "my vibrator is broken."

We all stopped in mid-sentence or mid-bite or (in my husband's case) mid-kill of a digital zombie.

Completely oblivious, he natters on. "My daughter hucked it across the parking lot. I think that's what did it."

Wait, your 14-year-old daughter?!

Then he pulled out his cell phone and showed us the scratched up case. "See? It doesn't vibrate anymore."

Ah. Whew.

That's what she said. :)

Dawn Ius said...

If I couldn't wait to read your book before, I'm really excited about it now :-0


Karla, you're right - nothing kicks off a Monday like perversion :)

Mireyah, *snort!* love it! There's really no end to the entertainment value of "hole" jokes.

Patty, love the name jokes (and your "nuts" story on this morning's blog? Priceless. Everyone should go check it out immediately).

Sierra, I'm a big fan of poo and fart jokes. Clearly those belong in all good romance novels, right?

danicaavet, love the "angles" joke! I hope he did make the t-shirt.

Patrick, you're like Superman with the fart jokes - always flying in from out of nowhere to save the day. Or ruin it, whatever.

Jamie D, yup, it's pretty peaceful there. When we aren't giggling over stupid jokes, that is.

Linda G, that's it, you and I should definitely get together with our spouses for a barbecue. There would be no end to our ability to amuse each other.

Morgan, ROTFLMAO over the vibrator humor. That's hysterical.

Dawn, I'm so glad crude humor is a selling point for you. We'd get along just fine :)

Thanks for reading, guys!

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for this mid afternoon laugh. It was greatly needed.

Cynthia Reese said...

My mind was pure as the driven snow until I started hanging around you and Linda G.

Now look at me. I get ALL of these double entendres. Corrupted, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

Really it was just YOU waxing erotic while your Pythagoras innocently hiked on by. Admit it ;P

Patrick Alan said...

Waxing erotic isn't one of those grooming things we talk about. Everything should just be appropriately waxed and we should never know that the waxing occurred.

I vote laser treatments.

Expat mum said...

6 year old to teen daughter - "What do you mean by 'What the Eff'?"
Fortunately he watches Sponge Bob so I reminded him about "What the Flagnog".

Lani Woodland said...

My weekend had me finishing my second draft, yelling at final cut 4, pulling weeds, working on kids school projects, watching the Lost finale and playing board games with my family. It was awesome! I love listening to your adventures. I think you can make anything sound fun, even a shopping list!

Kelly Polark said...

That's what she said! ;)
This happens all the time as I have a mind in the gutter hubby.

My son's name is Jack.
I told my husband I was going to drop Jack off at school.
"You said jack off..." he replied with a smirk.
Men will always think like teenage boys (and now it's rubbing off on me!)


Marybeth, my pleasure! A day is not complete unless you laugh at least a couple times. Peeing is optional.

Cynthia, *snort!* I've critiqued with you for 6 years now. I know better!

Xuxana, you might be surprised to know my sweet, innocent husband is every bit as dirty minded as I am. This is likely why we've been married for 12+ years!

Patrick, words fail me. The only one that springs to mind immediately is "eeew!"

Expat Mom, LOL, at least you only uttered the one syllable. The whole word would have been tougher to explain!

Lani, note to self: schedule blog posts on shopping lists :)

Kelly, LOL, that's hysterical. Admit it, didn't that factor into your decision when naming your son in the first place?

Thanks for reading, guys!

Anonymous said...

Wow, Patrick. Wax on the brain? Sorry, guess my comment really triggered your inner waxation. Got it all out of your system? ;)

Tawna, I'm not at all surprised to hear that ;)

Claire Dawn said...

We had these meetings with the organisation that runs the program I'm on, which just happens to be called CLAIR. Yes, like my name, but without the 'e'. People get saying stuff like, "What a fantastic opportunity, I'd love to get in CLAIR," and "It's riding on CLAIR." I spent the whole time trying not to die of laughter.