Monday, July 15, 2013

I got wet, spread my legs, and screamed like a banshee

When I'm not doing the author thing, I spend my time . . . wait, I'd better not finish that sentence.

Let me start again.

One of the ways I keep a roof over my head and get my introverted author butt out of the house is through my part-time day job as the PR & Communications Manager for my city's tourism bureau. Sometimes that involves straightforward tasks like writing blog posts or pitching stories to media outlets. Other times it involves going snowshoeing or taking journalists out to drink beer on the Bend Ale Trail.

One the my most memorable assignments turned out to be an odd combination of those things. It happened a few weeks ago when I accompanied a television crew on a whitewater raft trip, followed by a beer tasting.

"We'll  have you mic'd up through the flatwater, and we'll have cameras on us the whole time," explained the journalist asking to interview me about the role of rafting and beer in the tourism industry.

"Oh, of course," I said. "What 38-year-old woman doesn't want to have cameras and microphones present while she's fighting a bikini wedgie and plunging through class three rapids screaming her head off and wondering if her boob just slipped out of her top?"

There was a long pause. "So you'll do it?"


As it turned out, the whole adventure went fine. The required life vest relieved me of the burden of sucking in my stomach for the camera, and I managed to sound reasonably informed about the state of my city's tourism industry. Plus I got beer at the end. Oh, and I didn't die. All good things.

Three weeks later, the piece aired.

The crew did an excellent job with it (ignoring the part where they introduce me as "Tanya" instead of "Tawna"). But watching it was one of those moments I'm conspicuously aware of the odd juxtaposition of my day job life and my author life.

Am I really the only one who noticed I've got my legs spread wide in the first on-camera appearance, followed by a long sequence of me screaming?

Maybe not. When I posted the link on Twitter, a reader responded asking if our guide really says, "porno" at the 3:16 mark in the video. (Answer: Probably not, but I'm going to choose to believe he did, kinda like how I still believe in Santa and the Wine Fairy).

Another reader helpfully pointed out that one of the features of the rapid is called "the tongue," which would have made me much less fearful of falling in the river if I'd thought about it.

At any rate, here it is for your viewing pleasure. Feel free to snicker at the dirty innuendos that probably weren't intended.

I certainly did.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Another round of garage porn at the home improvement store

I recently noticed my tomatoes were looking a little wilty. Since I pride myself on keeping my tomatoes lush, full, and bouncy, I knew I needed to take action.

"We should get one of those oscillating sprinklers," said my gentleman friend.

"I like how oscillating sounds dirty when you say it," I told him.

So we set out for the irrigation section a our local Lowe's. As we browsed, I encountered some of the loveliest garage porn I've seen in a long time (and in case you're new here, you can check out previous posts to familiarize yourself with the term).

But here's what I spotted in my quest for oscillation:

Sometimes you need a little extra help getting your hose in the right place. If you can protect plants while you do it, even better (though I'm admittedly alarmed about the spike).

If you need to hook up in an expedient fashion, the lady just needs a little metal to get her in the mood. Motley Crue or Iron Maiden?
In case you gents were feeling left out, there's a way to eschew foreplay with you as well. Apparently it involves clicking?

With all those speedy hookups, it's no surprise you might need this.

Protection is always a good idea when things are getting kinky.

I don't even know what to say to this, but is it wrong I got a little excited looking at it?

In the end, I got a simple sprinkler. Um, that's not to say I got a sprinkler in the end, or in any orifice at all.

How about I just wrap up this post now? And please share if you've seen any good garage porn lately.