Another round of garage porn at the home improvement store

I recently noticed my tomatoes were looking a little wilty. Since I pride myself on keeping my tomatoes lush, full, and bouncy, I knew I needed to take action.

"We should get one of those oscillating sprinklers," said my gentleman friend.

"I like how oscillating sounds dirty when you say it," I told him.

So we set out for the irrigation section a our local Lowe's. As we browsed, I encountered some of the loveliest garage porn I've seen in a long time (and in case you're new here, you can check out previous posts to familiarize yourself with the term).

But here's what I spotted in my quest for oscillation:

Sometimes you need a little extra help getting your hose in the right place. If you can protect plants while you do it, even better (though I'm admittedly alarmed about the spike).

If you need to hook up in an expedient fashion, the lady just needs a little metal to get her in the mood. Motley Crue or Iron Maiden?

In case you gents were feeling left out, there's a way to eschew foreplay with you as well. Apparently it involves clicking?

With all those speedy hookups, it's no surprise you might need this.

Protection is always a good idea when things are getting kinky.

I don't even know what to say to this, but is it wrong I got a little excited looking at it?

In the end, I got a simple sprinkler. Um, that's not to say I got a sprinkler in the end, or in any orifice at all.

How about I just wrap up this post now? And please share if you've seen any good garage porn lately.

Garage porn at the kitchen store

By now you're all familiar with the sort of filth lurking in your garage, at the grocery store, or on the aisles of your local home improvement store. If not, I'd suggest you go back and read previous posts under the label "garage porn."

You'd think there might be some measure of good taste and decorum in a high-end kitchen store. On the contrary, I discovered a veritable plethora of perversion when I dropped by the other day to cash in a gift certificate.

When your three-ways start to feel a little ho-hum, isn't it nice to shake things up with an adjustable one?

 

Everyone needs a promiscuous garlic press.

I remember the health class lesson on dental dams for safe oral stimulation, so I guess this is the precaution for the manual variation. I'm not sure how I feel about the stainless steel, but maybe it's easier to clean

I was tempted to ask the cute guy behind the counter to demonstrate this one.

When you're looking for a little pump and grind, it's crucial to pick the one with single-handed, one-finger pump action.

I'm not sure which is more terrifying – the name of this device, or the thought of how you might use it.

A plethora of perversion at the video arcade

I'll admit that with many previous installments of my regular feature, Garage Porn, I've deliberately gone looking for the naughty innuendos. It's true they're not hard (I said hard) to find on the aisles of Home Depot, the grocery store, or even my own garage.

But most of the time I'm on the lookout for it.

That's why it's especially funny when I stumble upon unintentional dirty humor in places I'm not expecting it. You'd think a visit to the local video arcade with my gentleman friend and his young offspring would be an innocent endeavor.

You would be wrong.

Check out some of the things that had me snickering Saturday night (discretely, of course...yes, Mom, I'm being a good influence. Mostly).

The name of this arcade game was bad enough. The fact that playing it required a sort of bizarre pumping motion was enough to force me to walk away, lest I fall to the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter.

With this game, you get a bonus for making it into the center slot. Shouldn't that just be expected?

I had to circle this air hockey table half-a-dozen times before I figured out "Fast Rack" was the unfortunate result of poor typography placement and a missing "T," as opposed to the expected result of playing it enthusiastically without a sports bra.

 

Everyone walking away from this game seemed sweaty and disheveled. I'm a little bummed I'd run out of game tokens by then, as I was forced to seek my raw thrills elsewhere.

It was admittedly funnier when I misread it with an extra "e" in the last word. Even without the typo, it still seems like an inappropriate name for a game marketed to pre-pubescent kids.

Seen any good unintentional dirty humor lately? Please share?

And can someone spot me an extra quarter? I'll pay you back, I swear.

Shampoo shopping shouldn't be this fun

If you've been reading this blog awhile, you already know I love finding humor at the grocery store or on the aisles of Home Depot. You'll find a complete collection of such posts if you search the tag "garage porn."

Friday afternoon, I was on a quest for some new shampoo and moisturizer. The mission took me down the health and beauty aisles at several stores, revealing the following giggle-worthy gems:

In case you're wondering, this tastes nothing like Kool-Aid.

I honestly don't know where to start with this one. Big Head for Men? Really? Power Play? Firm Finish Gel? I want to believe the manufacturers intended each of these innuendos. Or is it funnier if they didn't?

There's actually no innuendo here – just a lot of disturbing details. Like the helpful drawing and descriptive product name. Or the fact that this product is being sold at the Dollar Store. Or the non-specific instruction at the top about not using if torn. If what's torn?

The only thing better than instantaneous growth is the accompanying tingling.

Seen anything amusing during your recent shopping adventures? Please share!

Why you don't want to grocery shop with me

Dirty innuendos are everywhere if you look hard enough.

I said "hard enough."

See how the game is played? We've done it a few times here on the blog under the tagline garage porn, though it's safe to say you can do it in department stores or bathroom cupboards just about anywhere the mood strikes.

I said "do it."

On that note, I'll share a few gems from a recent trip to the grocery store...

 

Nut crunch? Ouch. I actually stood on this aisle for awhile to see if any men walking past would grimace. No one did. Clearly, people should pay more attention when grocery shopping.

 

There were several things on the pet food aisle with significant ick-factor, but Moist & Meaty was my favorite. I'm pretty sure there's an email in my spam folder advertising a video by that same name.

You would think the aisle with all the baby products would be relatively innocent. You would be mistaken. The idea of orthodontic nipples makes me wonder if those braces I had in middle school might have performed better if they'd been applied someplace other than my teeth.

 

Somehow, we always circle back to the home improvement aisle, don't we? That's where all the good three-ways are.

Unsurprisingly, the large screws aren't terribly far from the three-way. I should also note that the small nails were located nearby.
 

I'm going to go ahead and leave it up to you guys to speculate whether this product is a male invention, since the solution for a quick start is labeled "thrust" instead of  "mood music" or "gentle foreplay."

Seen anything at the grocery store lately that tickled your fancy? Please share! I'm going to go stand by the Nut Crunch again to see if some at least cracks a smile. It can't just be me, can it?

A romance author walks into Home Depot...

You would think the main task involved with preparing for book club would be reading the book.

I've actually been listening to the book on my iPod as I putter around the house rubbing lotion on my sofa and changing dead light bulbs. The latter task sent me wandering through the aisles of Home Depot the other day, where I found so much more than light bulbs.

Behold, I give you another installment of Garage Porn:

If you're going to indulge in a 3-way, there's really no excuse for having an ugly one.

Besides being confused about how it sticks to the wall without screws, I'm suspicious of anything that's screwless.

Just when you thought you had to throw out that rubber with the hole in it. This plug solves all your problems. The guys at Home Depot think of everything.

I can't actually think of why you'd need to connect them, unless it's got something to do with the beautiful 3-way?

Words fail me on this one. So much potential for filth, but I just can't find my focus.

So how about it, readers? Any thoughts on that last one? Have you had any fun trips to Home Depot lately? Please share!

A world of pleasure on the aisles of Home Depot

I don’t know for certain if there’s a heaven. I’m not sure there’s a hell, either, but if there is, I have a pretty good idea what it looks like.

The closest Pythagoras and I have come to divorce court is on the aisles of Home Depot. We’ve built two homes together in almost 13 years of marriage. When I say “built” I don’t mean we sat back and ate bon-bons while watching someone else sling a hammer. I mean we pulled all-nighters hanging drywall, bloodied our knees grouting floors, and bickered so passionately over light fixtures that a Home Depot associate once summoned security.

You may understand then why Home Depot is not a cheerful place for me. When Pythagoras told me in the middle of errand running on Sunday that he needed to stop there for a sprinkler head, I seriously considered leaping from the car in the middle of the freeway.

Little did I know what a treasure trove of delight awaited me on the plumbing aisle.

Behold, the latest installment of Garage Porn:

Um, ouch.

I don't know what this is, but why do I feel like I ought to have two or three of them stashed in the drawer of my nightstand?

Is this anything like those "minimizer bras" everyone keeps telling me I should try?

Pythagoras did not like the sound of this one bit.

He wasn't overly fond of this one, either.

How do you feel about home improvement stores? Do you hate them as much as I do, or does your outlook improve just knowing these delightful items can be found there?

Please share. I have to figure out how to use one of those universal nut lock couplings. Do you think I need a special license?

The pleasure of touching other people's things

I love estate sales. There's a thrill in pawing through a stranger's stuff and scoring that half-full bottle of Windex for a quarter.

What I don't love is knowing estate sales seldom occur under happy circumstances. They usually happen when someone dies or moves into a nursing home. I went to one that took place after a bitter divorce where the couple just walked away from everything – family portraits in the frames, popcorn in the popper, rows of sexy nightgowns in the closet.

Thoughts like these can temper my enthusiasm for getting a great deal on a set of avocado green mixing bowls. As I walked around the strange home Saturday afternoon, I couldn't stop wondering about it. Who died? Did he have a happy life? Would his wife think the price was fair on their unopened box of enema bags?

Then I wandered out to the garage. The clouds parted, the birds sang, and I saw my very favorite thing in the world – garage porn.

In case you missed my previous installment on this subject, go here to see what I found in my own garage.

But here's a glimpse at what was in theirs:

The only thing worse than small rubbers is unclean ones.

If you're going to have a power stripper in your garage, make sure you get the super hot one. Even better if you can score the accessories.

Sheet screws? As opposed to the ones atop the quilt?

I honestly have no idea what this means.

The rubbers were small, but the knobs are large. This seems unfair.

Do you enjoy going to estate sales and pawing through other people's things, or do you find the whole business depressing?

If it's the latter, I suggest you visit the garage. Seriously.

Things in my garage that sound dirty but probably aren't

Yesterday, I went out to the garage to find...actually, I have no idea what I was looking for. It's the garage, so the odds of me ever finding what I'm after are the same as the odds I'll give up romance writing in favor of drafting texts on quantum harmonic oscillators.

Sometimes I like to just walk out there and stare at the shelves while scowling because that's what I see Pythagoras do from time to time (after which he stalks off to Home Depot to buy something else to set on the shelves and scowl at).

So there I was, staring and scowling, when I noticed that nearly everything on these shelves sounds dirty. Don't believe me? Consider the evidence:

I wasn't aware I had a stripper in my garage, let alone America's #1 stripper. I feel so fortunate.

Spray lubricant? Because sometimes the tube or the bottle just isn't quick enough?

You know, I think I just won't touch this one.

And here I was naively trusting Pythagoras' vasectomy to keep me safe, and all along we've had miracle impregnator on the premises? 

I don't know about you, but I'm pleased to know my wood finish penetrates. Not so happy about the staining, however.

So there are just a few things in my garage that sound dirty but probably aren't. Do you have similar products lying around your house? I challenge you to look at them in a new (and preferably demented) light.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rifle through the bathroom drawers. There's gotta be something good in there.