Friday, June 25, 2010

The special way I used my pen(is)

So who wants to take a guess what I did with this yesterday?

OK, stop guessing now. And stop staring at it. Really, knock it off.

Here is what I did with my very special penis pen.

That's right, I signed my three-book contract with Sourcebooks, Inc. Four copies of it, 15 pages each, packed full of sentences like:

The benefit of the Author’s warranties and indemnities shall extend to any person, firm or corporation against whom any such claim, demand or suit is asserted or instituted by reason of the publication, sale or distribution of the Works as if such representations and warranties were originally made to such third parties.

Incidentally, I'm going to find a way to use that line in the next love scene I write.

In all seriousness, you probably assumed I signed that thing ages ago, right? After all, it's been almost exactly four months since I announced the sale.

But that's not how publishing works. This is one of many reasons people tell you over and over "don't quit your day job."

And that's certainly not to say anyone screwed up or dragged his or her feet. On the contrary, my amazing agent, Michelle Wolfson, and equally amazing editor, Deb Werksman, have both done an incredible job hammering out the details and thinking of things I would never in a million years dream up. Like who pays for it if a pterodactyl eats all the copies of my debut novel before it can be shipped to bookstores? I'm pretty sure there's a clause in my contract that covers it.

This is why I'm endlessly grateful to have such smart, talented people in my court. I didn't actually realize what a superstar Deb is in romance writer circles until I went to my first RWA meeting and my new chapter-mates gasped, "Deb Werksman is your editor?" with same tone they'd use to ask if Angelina Jolie is my best friend (FYI, she totally is).

And I don't have to tell you how much Michelle rocks. Having her fighting for me and my books every step of the way makes me weep with gratitude that she's my agent.

And also that I'll never have to face her in a cage match.

So there you have it. The contracts are signed, they're going in the mail today, and apparently there's some mysterious object called an advance check that might make its way to me sometime in the coming months.

Rumor has it they might actually be PAYING me to do this.

Oh, and I have a penis pen.

Does life get any better?


Unknown said...

There is no better use for a penis pen! Congrats again! :)

Sierra Godfrey said...

Did you use your penis pen to sign the contracts?

Congrats! This is sooooooo exciting! Every step is exciting!

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

A penis pen AND a contract? NO FAIR!!!

Seriously, congrats. You deserve all the good stuff that's coming your way. *hugs*

Elizabeth Ryann said...

That is super appropriate. Congratulations again!

Lynda Elkin said...

Whoo hoo, an advance check... You can go on a dried fruit shopping extravaganza! Congratulations, I can hardly wait to read your books! Yay.

eeeschen said...

Man, I want a penis pen..... where did you find it?

And congrats on the contracts! :)

Elizabeth Flora Ross said...

Woohoo! Congratulations! I hope you and hubby did something fun to celebrate. And how perfect that you signed w/a penis pen. LOL

LR said...

Ha ha! I hope that pen doesn't leak.

Danica Avet said...

Yay, Tawna! Okay, I was staring at awe and envy. Penis pens should be included in your promotional items list when you start making those. Just a thought.

Congratulations on signing. And how you got through reading such hot, legal jargon is beyond me. I probably would've fainted after the first "and/or"!

Jen J. Danna said...

Congratulations on finally signing! Wow... I knew publishing moved really slowly, but yes, I did think that those were already sign, sealed an delivered. Good to know...

And your pen is fantastic! :D

Angela Perry said...

You know what I find funniest about the pen? (Other than the obvious, of course.) It has feet.

Yay for contracts!

Steph Schmidt said...

Congrats! I thought the contract had already been signed too but now I stand corrected. Those pens would be really amusing swag to give away at signings.

??? said...

Where do you get this stuff?? I'd hate to see what your pencil sharpener looks like! :D

Leona said...

And you wondered why I thought Wednesday's post said Kinky? I don't think you wait for Saturday with liquor to make your intersting posts, LOL

Ps you use that Jargon in love scene and I will promplty feed your books to that terydactyl. Keep it hot!

Patrick Alan said...

HEY! I have one of those, too!

Wait, no, it's not a pen.

Kelly Breakey said...

Congratulations. Now tell me where can I get one?


Karla, thank you! I actually stared long & hard (snicker) at my basket of pens to pick the perfect one for the job.

Sierra, I had a brief moment of panic when I couldn't get the penis pen to work, but it came through for me (snicker).

Debra, I promise to let you borrow it when your time comes!

Elizabeth, I actually had to wrestle with whether to use the pink one or the red one. I think I chose wisely.

Lynda, I wonder if Trader Joes will let me just sign over my advance check in exchange for all their dried fruit?

eeeschen, I got a couple of those for hosting a Pure Romance party. They are my treasured possessions.

Elizabeth, hey...we didn't really celebrate, good point! Will make him take me out to dinner tonight.

LR, ha! You'd be amazed at how often I catch myself chewing on the end of that pen. Never mind, no you wouldn't.

Danica, penis pen envy, love it!

Jen, it's amazing how much happens behind the scenes in publishing. My agent is amazing, I can tell you that much.

Cherie, I wonder if I can order some of those with my name on them?

Linda G, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me "does your penis light up?" I would have a nickel.

Morgan, I was actually thinking they're supposed to be testicles, rather than feet, but they are flat on the bottom. Hmm...I wonder where I find shoes for my penis?

SM Schmidt, good idea, I'll call my Pure Romance consultant & ask where she got 'em!

Sydnee, note to self: get new pencil sharpener.

Leona, you didn't find that hot?

Patrick, that seriously made me laugh out loud!

Thanks for reading, guys!

Terry Stonecrop said...

Haha, Patrick, Don't try this at home!

Tawna,where did you get that, not that I want one or anything...

Neurotic Workaholic said...

That is such a cool pen! I wish I could buy one too! I want to buy several actually, and put them on my fellow instructors' desks in the office we all share just to see what their reactions will be.

Talei said...

Congrats! I hope your celebrated well, er..not with the pen though? Hehe. Well done indeed!

Delia said...

Many congratulations on signing. And, hey, do those pens come in purple? Wait...

Christi Goddard said...

As long as the penis pen didn't get as excited as you and 'leave a little something' on the contract, then it's all good.

Jan Markley said...


Zai Abd Rahman said...

Congrats! You can never find that pen here.

Unknown said...

A contract and a penis pen...I do believe I'm jealous. ;-)


WendyCinNYC said...

That pen looks like it belongs on Chatroulette.


Terry, I got a couple of them for free after hosting a Pure Romance party. Kinda wondering if I could find more online!

Neurotic Workaholic, back when I had a "real job," my boss would occasionally show up at my home office for meetings. I liked leaving those sitting out just to see if he'd say anything. He never did.

Talei, alas, the pen doesn't meet my stringent size requirements.

Delia, as a matter of fact, they DO come in purple. I remember seeing one, but I didn't actually get to keep it.

Christi, eeeeeeewwwwww! :)

Jan, thanks!

Zai Abd, want me to smuggle one into the country, along with my book when the time comes? :)

Jeannie, admit it -- you're more jealous of the pen, aren't you?

Valerie, I really couldn't resist the urge to play with the pen/penis verbiage since that's one of my most common typos in everyday writing. Go figure.

Claire Dawn, I know, yaaaay, right?!

WendyCinNYC, you know you want one!

Thanks for reading, guys (and for all the kind words!)


Kristie Cook said...

I am totally envious all over. And I can't wait for your books to come out. I've learned to not eat or drink while reading your blog. I can only imagine what your books will be like. You're going to be uber-famous and showered with penis pens and all kinds of cool things.

Melanie Sherman said...

I've heard it all my life, but it wasn't until I read your blog and, er, glanced at the picture, that the cliche took on new meaning.

"The pen is mightier than the sword."

I'm so excited the deal is signed. Fabulous.

Liz Czukas said...

Does your life get any better? I'm not sure...

Maybe when you take that penis pen with you to the bank to endorse that advance cheque.

Just saying...

- Liz

Patty Blount said...

Whoa! geez, I'm SO getting fired for reading your blog at work.

But congrats on the signing! So happy for you.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

You crack me up! Congratulations :)

Tracey Musa said...


I happened across your blog, which has totally made my day, and I have just one question.

How the hell do you keep your desk so clean?

I work from home (technical writer - it's papers about calcium dodecin that get me all hot and sweaty) and my desk has about 68 things on it, about 5 of which are actually useful for work, and at least 30 that are a serious distraction. None of those items are shaped like penises though.

Others might envy your long blonde hair and published status, I envy your expanse of uncluttered work space.

Congratulations on getting published!