Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Give me your best (or worst) pickup lines!

Yesterday’s post about horny honkers prompted some great comments, including the following from regular blog reader Claire Dawn:

At home in Barbados, guys used to make a sort of catcall (Seets) and say, "My friend..." and start their pick up lines from there. I always wondered if a single girl ever fell for a guy seetsing.

The comment got me thinking about pickup lines and how they vary from culture to culture.

When I was in my early 20s, I taught English in Venezuela. Most students were roughly the same age I was, and teachers were encouraged to make the lessons relevant to normal American life. Song lyrics, curse words, and popular slang were all fair game.

Hanging with my students in Venezuela circa 1997.
So were pickup lines.

I can’t remember how I got the idea for the lesson, but I do remember explaining the term “cheesy” and making sure the students understood that most pickup lines aren’t particularly effective. It turned into an excellent cultural exchange, with everyone trying to outdo each other using terrible pickup lines in multiple languages.

“Here’s a good one,” I explained to the class. “And by ‘good’ I mean ‘don’t say this unless you want to be slapped.’

I had their attention.

“You can approach a woman in a bar and say, ‘Wow, that blouse is very becoming on you.’ Then you pause for effect and smile. ‘If I were on you, I’d be coming, too.’

There was a long silence during which I realized I was going to have to add a new term to my students’ vocabulary.

But they were game, and the rest of the lesson went swimmingly.

I soon forgot about it, and that round of students went on to pass their exams and move on to other teachers who probably employed more appropriate methods of instruction. A few months later, I ran into one of my former students in the library.

“Hey, Julio!” I called. “I hear you’re doing great in level eight.”

“Yes, teacher. Thank you very much.”

“I like your new haircut. It looks very nice.”

“Thank you teacher,” he said, blushing a little. “That dress is very becoming on you.”

I beamed, completely oblivious. “Thank you, Julio.”

“Teacher, if I were on you—”

I didn’t give him the chance to finish, though I did offer him a solid pat on the back for his good memory. To this day, I live in fear of Julio roaming the Venezuelan countryside using that line on unsuspecting women in bars.

What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard? On the flip side, can you think of a good one that might actually work? Please share!

Oh, and by the way – that shirt looks great on you.

It would look better on my bedroom floor.


Linda G. said...

LOL! The first one TG used on me was "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" Lucky for him, I knew he was being funny. ;)

Patrick Alan said...

I don't use pick up lines, I just have a shiny red sports car - if you know what I am sayin'.

Matthew MacNish said...

Hmm. I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as a pick up line that works.

All the women I've ever met and loved I've met through friends, and because we had a common interest, even if that interest was only lust (hey, we were young).

The worst pick up line I've ever heard?

"Hey babe, wanna go halves on a bastard?"

Danica Avet said...

Ooh, I love cheesy pick-up lines...not like to be used on me, but to laugh at.

My favorite is "Do you have a keg in your pants? Cause I'd sure love to tap that ass!" LOL

abby mumford said...

the worst one i ever heard was this:

boy: did it hurt?
me: did what hurt?
boy: when you fell from heaven.

p.s. everyone should be aware that a simple "hello" works really well.

Lori M. Lee said...

I've never picked up a guy before o_o My husband did a really bad job of picking me up when I was 18 and we've been together every since LOL

Rick said...

Oh man, I have a whole list saved on my hard drive at home that are rather scandalous. I can only remember a few off the top of my head, but here goes nothing:

- What do you say we play army? You lie down and I'll blow the hell out of you.

- I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

- (lick a finger and wipe it on their shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

- The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

I am logging out for this comment because this stuff is searchable in Google!

Teri Anne Stanley said...

This is from my teenaged son: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?"

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Bumper sticker I saw on a car recently: If you're gonna ride my ass like that, you may as well pull my pony tail.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh. These are great!!! I don't have any to add but sure enjoyed this post!!

Crystal Posey said...

ROFL Sadly I have none, but I'll be here all day long!

Crystal Posey said...

ROFL Sadly I have none, but I'll be here all day long!


OMG, you guys! These are hilarious! I think I'm going to have to incorporate these into a book somehow.

Keep 'em coming!


Claire Dawn said...

"I've lost my number, can I have yours?"

Honestly, I really love to hear a new pickup line that makes me laugh. I won't give a guy a date for it, but he can get a smile.

Claire Dawn said...

PS, Thanks for the mention!

Darrell B. Nelson said...

"You know what would look good on you?"

Anonymous said...

My all-time favourite doomed exchange (I actually witnessed this one in action):

- Are you married?
- Yes.
- Oh. Any marital problems?
- No.
- ...Do you want some?

Allie Sanders said...

Lori--You're not alone. My husband did so bad trying to pick me up I didn't realize that's what he was doing. :) Thankfully I picked him up instead.

My favorite so far:
Are you from Tennessee because you're the only ten I see.

Paige Kellerman said...

Ugh...got me cringing just thinking about it. Due to feeble memory and too much time spent with Redbull/vodka, I can't recall specific pick-up lines. More than anything, I think the times a guy's sent over a drink in anticipation of the drink-receiver dropping her skirt and sauntering over, irritates me more than anything. Haha..

DrCarrieT said...

A classic: I want every bone in your body . . . especially mine.

A true story: A guy walks up to my friend who is wearing a pair of plain, white Keds that she's wearing without shoelaces. (It was the early '90s. We were cool.)

Him: You don't have any shoe laces. Wanna borrow mine?

Her: (baffled silence)

Jenna McCarthy said...

My personal favorite:

Those jeans look great on you. They'd look even better in a puddle next to my bed.

(NOT that I ever fell for this. Much.)

Skye said...

No one has ever picked me up (sniff), nor have I heard guys use cheesy lines on my friends, so I'm learning from all the comments! This is fun!

Beverly Diehl said...

The best pick-up was when a guy came up to me and greeted me as if I was an old friend. "Kathy, how are you? You look great!"

It took until the time I'd gotten done explaining I was not, in fact, his friend Kathy, and he'd apologized for the mistake, and then offered to buy me a cup of coffee as an apology for the misunderstanding, that it finally dawned on me that there probably never was a Kathy.

ExMagistra said...

The best "horrible" pickup line I've ever heard of is this: "Do you want to go halvsies on a bastard?"

I can't (don't want to) imagine that ever working on anyone.

ExMagistra said...

Oh, one more. This one was on an episode of 30 Rock as uttered by Tracy Jordan: "Are you an ass scientist because your butt blah blah blah, you know the rest."

Brandi Guthrie said...

Oooh, pickup lines are fun!

I had this one used on me once:

Him: "Are you tired?"

Me: "No, why?"

Him: "Because you've been running through my dreams all night."

K.B. Owen said...

"If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Great idea for a survey, Tawna! @Patrick Alan: When my hubby got a convertible, he teased me that it was such a chick magnet the women would be throwing themselves at him. I laughed and pointed at infant car-seat in the back.

Some dreams die hard.

Michelle Miles said...

When I was single, I had a company dinner at PF Chang's. We had excellent service and the cute manager kept walking by to say hi. When we got our fortunes, mine said, "Someone with green eyes admires you." And the manager just happened to be by when I read it aloud. He paused and said, "Actually, they're blue." As we were leaving, he handed me his business card and asked me to come back the next week for a free lunch. LOL

Brooklyn Ann said...

I like to use horrible pick up lines on my husband. One came by accident.
Him: You have too many books.
Me: "Well you're wearing too many clothes!"

This one nearly floored him:
"You make my hand tired."

Judy,Judy,Judy. said...

This was fun reading. I love cheesy pick up lines - to be laughed at - although if a guy made me laugh he probably would have a better chance of picking me up.

Here's one - Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
(used on my friend in a bar - didn't work but we laughed for days)

lora96 said...

Okay, LOVE your Julio story. Wonderful lol!

Worst one I've heard was sadly very recent.

The guy asked if I was free that weekend. I'm married, I told him. Is your husband gone a lot? He persisted. I'm pregnant, I added. Then you qualify as a MILF so can I?

Ew. Ew. Ew. No.

Kari Lynn Dell said...

My favorite was one I heard about a cowboy in the Let
'er Buck Room at the Pendleton Roundup, offering girls temporary tattoos. If they accepted, he offered to apply it for them. And if they agreed, he said, "I have to lick it first."

And then he did.

Missy said...

I think I fell in love with John Irving when I came across this one. (I apologize that I am short on time and cannot quote directly. Please forgive me for the errors)

hot guy walks in the room.

girl 1: "what was that noise?"

girl 2: "that was my panties hitting the floor"

Danica Avet said...

Just because I remembered two more...

"Are your parents related? Cause you sure are special."

And, "You're just like Campbell's soup. You're mm, mm good..."

Sarah Ketley said...

Hi - Great post!

I have heard many pick up lines like that before. Particularly the "great shirt, it would look better on my floor" type.

the WORST one i have ever heard was two weeks ago. I am cutting and pasting the following from my facebook entry:

Just been on emergency dash for stockings. Braved Riverlink alone. Made it out alive. However heard the worst pick up line EVER.
dropkick boy "Hey Dal, R u a hooker? I am. I'm the best hooker in Ipswich." As he ceremoniously air punches the air pretending to be a boxer. What made it even funnier was i had heard him practicing it with his dropkick sidekick moments earlier. The sad part was the girl listened.

If you can understand the idiocy of this boy then you may realise what a crap pickup line this is. Fancy calling a girl a prostitute to try and pick her up. AND pretend that you are a boxer AND SHE LISTENED.


*shakes head*


Jen Stayrook said...

I spent a few months in Costa Rica and each morning I had to walk a mile to school. My route would often take me past groups of hairy, sweaty men shouting cat calls in Spanish. They must have mistaken my death glares for attraction because the "Aye! Muneca!" shouts continued until I left. When I got back to the States, a part of me felt indignant that construction workers, businessmen, and inmates didn't so much as look my way. Some nights I still hear them shouting at my gringo behind and wonder what could have been.

Gypmar said...

This was more of an evaluation than a pick-up line (I think), but it gets points for straightforwardness: My friend and I were walking to the beach in Fiji and a man leaned out of his passing car and yelled "I love your breasts!"