Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Introducing the new man in my life

There’s something important I need to share with you. I’ve met someone.

A man, if you must know. I know it’s a little soon after announcing my divorce to be sharing this, but you really can't dictate when you're going to find someone special.

I met him yesterday when I took some skirts to my favorite seamstress to be hemmed. There he was, standing by the door like he'd been waiting for me my whole life.

I know it sounds cliché, but it was love at first sight for both of us. His name is Ewan, and he's the most amazing man I've ever met. Would you like to see a photo?

I'm sure it's easy to see why I'm smitten. Right after we met, I posted his photo on Facebook and Twitter so friends and family could share in my joy. I was delighted to discover not only were people supportive, but eager to point out the advantages to having a romantic relationship with someone like Ewan.

For example:
  • Since he has no arms, Ewan will never hold me back.
  • Without feet, Ewan is unlikely to run away or step out on me.
  • Ewan will never whine, belch, fart, curse in front of my grandmother, or say anything insulting.
  • Ewan is always hard. Always.
  • I can be certain Ewan is unarmed. 
Admittedly, there are a few drawbacks to the relationship. As I'm sure you can see, Ewan isn't particularly well endowed. Then there's the fact that his knees don't bend, which will make air travel challenging. Of course, the two things probably cancel each other out, since his lack of endowment means I'm not eager to jet off to an exotic locale for a romantic getaway.

So what do you think of Ewan? Can you offer any additional commentary on the advantages of this new relationship? Please share!

Ewan and I will be over here gazing into each other's eyes while we hold hands.

Um, wait–


Sarah W said...

He'll never run after another?

He'll never hog the bathroom or fuss with his hair?

He won't complain if you pick out his clothes for him?

When you need some space, you can keep him in your trunk with no legal repercussions?

Linda G. said...


Though he doesn't look like much of a conversationalist. Not necessarily a bad thing...

Kim Mullican said...

He won't judge you for eating a tub of ice cream. He also won't toss and turn in bed keeping you up all night.

He can't take your car.

And he always listens! Great post.

Ricky Bush said...

What an inspiration this man must be. I'd have to find a different gender, though.

Michelle Wolfson said...

He won't hog the remote.

Michelle Wolfson said...

GAH!! Or somehow trick you into calling the clicker the remote!!

Patty Blount said...

Um, Tawna? I think maybe he should be called Ewana ?

Matthew MacNish said...

Well, I chimed in last night, but I'll point some things out here as well.

His should be Moose-knuckle looks more like a Camel-toe, so I'm hoping he is skilled with La Lengua.

He does have feet, well, heels, at least, just not toes or arches. This could make for some great, umm ... kink, if that's what you're into.

Ewan's face is rather lovely. If only he had arms he could probably help you with your make-up.

Anna said...

Plus, he kindof looks like David Bowie.

lora96 said...

He doesn't talk back.

He will patiently listen to all your ideas/concerns without rolling his eyes or interrupting.

Doesn't hog the remote control.

Has no moral high ground from which to object if you see other people as he lacks some necessary attributes himself.

WIll NEVER criticize your writing.

Doesn't leave a mess of dirty laundry in the bathroom.

Hmm...makes me wonder about my choice to marry an actual human when clearly there are so many advantages to Ewan. I, too, get a Bowie vibe from him. I like his sense of style.

lora96 said...

PS Doesn't wear juvenile star wars t-shirt to family celebration. Unless YOU want him to.

Kelly Breakey said...

Good news, he will never fight you for your hair products or time in front of the mirror.

Author R. Mac Wheeler said...

I think u need 2 get out more


Lola Sharp said...

Sorry, typing while talking to my kid...multi-tasking clearly not my forte. *sigh* (sometimes I annoy myself)

Thus: HEAR...I look forward to HEARING (well, reading, actually, now that am focusing on what I am trying to say) all about your sure-to-be-hilarious future dating adventures.

*scampers away*

Patrick Alan said...

Why am I more concerned that your grandmother would curse in front of me. Well, maybe AT me.

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

He'll never get jealous and stalk you on FB.

Whatever you say, goes.

He won't jump you every time the need "arises."

He won't object if you want to have a wild night out w/the girls (or with the guys, for that matter!)

He can't get you pregnant or give you a disease.

Down side: He won't bring you flowers or write you poetry.

(Goods far outweigh the bads.)

Best of luck in your new relationship!

Anonymous said...

Um, I'm pretty sure that's not a hand you're holding...

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

He'll never criticize your driving, or complain if you forget to fill up the tank.

He won't hog the covers.

He'll watch whatever you want to watch on TV.

He'll never compare your cooking to his mother's.

He won't be jealous when you date someone else.

Lynnanne said...

I'd watch him… you may have to fight for your underwear in the mornings.