Monday, June 6, 2011

Things you shouldn’t peddle at yard sales

Ever have one of those days where everything is one big sex joke you really shouldn’t make?

It started Friday evening. I was gathering things to take to a friend’s yard sale when my 20-year-old housemate came home from Bible study. Since he’s moving out next week when the college term ends, I asked if he had anything he’d like to sell so he won’t have to move it.

“Let me check,” he said, and bounded off up the stairs.

I wandered out to the garage to survey my own collection of saleable crap. When I returned to my office, I discovered he’d left a small pile yard sale goodies for me to take. The pile included the following:

  • A lamp
  • A recipe box
  • Several articles of neatly folded clothing
  • A pocketknife
  • A poster

And these:

I stared at them for a long time, wondering if it was a joke, a mistake, or genuinely his idea of good yard sale merchandise.

I was also kind of wondering if he had the keys.

But by then, he’d gone to bed. Knocking on his bedroom door to inquire about a pair of red fur handcuffs seemed like a bad idea on several levels, so I set them aside and called it a night.

The next morning, I headed off to the yard sale. Included among my items for sale were two giant boxes filled with 10 years’ worth of Playboy magazine. Yes, the subscription is mine. What? I love the recipes, articles, and political commentary. I’m only dimly aware there are naked pictures inside.

I was a little worried my friend might balk at the idea of selling big boxes of nudie magazines, but realized I had nothing to fear when she began setting out an array of sex manuals for sale.

“Maybe we should set these on the other side of the yard so people don’t have to dig through the boxes right next to us and worry we’re judging them,” she mused.

“It’s our stuff,” I pointed out. “Why would we be judging?”

So we sat and waited. It hardly took any time at all before a guy came up and made an offer on an entire box of Playboys.

Then a few of the sex books sold.

Then the rest of the Playboys sold to a guy who couldn't fit the box on his bike, so he opted to leave the bike with us and walk home with his box of magazines. I wish I was kidding.

I should point out we weren’t just peddling porn. There was furniture and clothing and appliances and artwork and everything else under the sun.

But even so, the sex thing permeated every exchange.

“Are you allowed to go down on things?” a woman asked as she marched up to my little cashier table.

I looked up in alarm. “Um—”

My friend kicked me. “Prices. She means prices.”


An hour later, my friend got a similar inquiry. “How firm is this?”

By the end of the afternoon, all the risqué merchandise was gone. It’s possible one of the books made it into my pile of purchases.

It’s also possible those handcuffs never made it to the yard sale at all. What? They're fuzzy.


Sarah W said...

Did anyone offer for the bike while your custmer was gone?

Fuzzy handcuffs are so wonderfully tacky, aren't they? I saw a pair hanging from someone's rearview mirror once, in lurid pink. I pointed them out to the (fairly conservative) co-worker who was walking with me.

She glanced at them, said, "Sheepskin fleece is so much more comfortable," and sailed on.

All right, then.

Linda G. said...

LOL! What I really love is, he brought out the handcuffs after coming home from Bible study. Too rich. *grins*

Also, still chuckling at Sarah W's comment.

trump said...

WRITING CONTEST....My blog Amish Stories is having its first ever contest this week. The First prize winner will win 2 tickets to tour the farm where the 1985 move "Witness" staring Harrison Ford and Kelly Mcgillis was made in Strasburg,Pa . This farm is now Amish owned, and the family has given permission for folks to tour their farm. This may be the last time anyone will be able to walk and see the same things that Harrison Ford and the other actors saw during the making of "Witness". The Witness tour should last about 2.5 hours. In addition to the Witness farm tour tickets, 1st prize winner will also receive 2 tickets for Jacobs choice. There will also be a 2nd place prize, which will be 2 tickets for the Amish Homestead. Please go to My blog for contest details, and more information on the prizes. Richard from the Amish settlement of Lebanon county.

Teri Anne Stanley said...

I, too caught the "Bible study" followed by "fuzzy handcuffs" reference. Interesting...

Hmmm...nothing like buying someone's used sex manuals at a yard sale.

lora96 said...

I personally wouldn't buy a secondhand manual unless it came with a glowing recommendation. LOL

Danielle Spears said...

That is hilarious! Speaking of hilarious sex stuff. I pre-ordered Making Waves. When doing so, I came across something very err...interesting. I found there are several books with the same title. I have to admit, I was tempted to also purchase this one:

You ought to have a photo reenactment of that cover, too, and let us all be the judges. I know you've got male viewers out there! ;)

Matthew MacNish said...

I find it revealing (psychologically) that you forgot you owned those handcuffs, and tried to blame them on your bible studying young roommate.

On the other hand, it sounds like there were a lot of "that's what she said" moments at the sale. Awesome.

Patrick Alan said...

Danielle, I would, but that's me on the cover already. I was a little out of shape then.

Danica Avet said...

As someone who's planning a yard sale in the next month and who's offered family members to chip in their items...I pray to God I don't see any of those items.

Kimberly Sabatini said...

This is exactly what a Monday needs!

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

I'll be having a yard sale soon. Tx for the "tips." It's nice to know sex still sells.

(Wonder if it's kosher to sell some of my older mechanical boyfriends?!!!)

Monica-Marie Vincent said...

Ok! I have a couple of things to laugh at feel the same way now as I did on Twitter...that is just HILARIOUS that he put those out for you AFTER Bible study! Two..I notice that he didn't actually HAND them to you...he just left them for you to find! ROFL Three...who else finds it kinda hysterical that there's an Amish post that has NOTHING to do with this post at me it's made even funnier by the fact that this is about sexual innuendos! Four...I couldn't help but laugh even harder at the fact that they never MADE it for sale! This entire post is just PRICELESS! Thank you for the teary eyed, side hurting good time this morning!!

Sarah Tokeley said...

I hope you asked him for the key :)

Anonymous said...

Bible studies and fuzzy handcuff's in the same sentence...

I had those in purple, but I was going to remove the fuzz and attach them to a leather jacket. I lost them when I moved to my first home.

Oh and mine could be opened with a toothpick, but those might be more realistic and really need the key or a locksmith.
I wonder how my locksmiths come upon the situation where someone's cuffed to the headboard and the key is lost...

Trisha Leigh said...

You are hilarious. There are so many combinations in this post that should be possible but somehow work. I haven't been to a garage sale in a good long while, but I'm thinking it might be time to check some out... :)


Sarah, OMG! That story is priceless!

Linda G, I've been afraid to ask why he had the handcuffs. There are some things you just don't want to know.

Richard, I can't figure out if this comment was put here by mistake or if it's similar to all the ads for Viagra and escort services I delete from my comment trail every day, but I'm going to leave it since Witness is one of my dad's favorite movies, and since it's hilarious to have a comment about the Amish on a post about sex stuff.

Teri Anne, good point about the used sex manuals. Do we assume they already learned everything, or that the books just never got used? Again, not sure I want to know.

Lora96, it's possible I acquired a book on "aqua Kama Sutra." No, I won't be posting a review :)

Danielle, oh my. Is it wrong that I'd pick that book over mine?

Matthew, I once owned a pair of black fur handcuffs. The key went missing, and for some inexplicable reason, there was no emergency switch to release the cuffs. I wish I was kidding.

Patrick, I KNEW that was you!

Danica, there are some things it's best to just quietly donate to Goodwill, yanno!?

Kimberly, that makes you kind of a pervert then, doesn't it? :)

Debra, many years ago, I had a hysterical conversation with a couple girlfriends about who gets the sex toys after a divorce. It's one of those things that's a little too over-the-top for me to ever blog about, but still hilarious to remember.

Monica, the handcuffs are currently sitting right beside my computer (kinda like in the graphic at the top of my blog!)

Sarah, I DID finally ask for the key, but alas, there wasn't one. They do have a little release switch though, so we're all good. Um, not that I was planning to USE them, of course!

Anonymous, hanging fur handcuffs from a leather jacket? Now THAT'S a fashion statement you don't see ever day!

Trisha, you should definitely hit a few yard sales. Heck, we could make a blog contest out of it....the weirdest things found at sales.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Judy,Judy,Judy. said...

There are days when I read your column and I so wish I had your life. But then you wouldn't be as funny and I wouldn't get to laugh at your life everyday. Does that make sense?

Anonymous said...

I love that your housemate came back from bible study and handed you some pink, fuzzy handcuffs to sell in a garage sale. Also, I don't think they take a key, cuz the little lever on the side of the wristcuff should open them up just fine.

Erm...or so I've been told. *shifty*

Kiersten said...

Man, have I been going to the wrong kind of yard sale.

Anonymous said...

I needed to read this today! LOL

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

What makes you guys think nobody in the Bible ever used furry handcuffs? I'll betcha Delilah and Jezebel both had a pair or two.

Harley May said...

You make me happy.

Liz Czukas said...

I like to think your housemate wasn't sleeping, but holding his pillow over his face to stifle his laughter as he imagined your face upon discovering the handcuffs.

Man, I have been at the wrong garage sales...

- Liz

Claire Dawn said...

Can you go down on this???

Superglued lips would not have stopped me from laughing.