Monday, August 15, 2011

What dumb things have you done lately?

I would like to hire someone to reside under my bathroom vanity and punch me hard in the face every time I think it’s a good idea to wax my own eyebrows.

No matter how many times I end up looking like a badly groomed hedgehog with mange, I never seem to learn my lesson.

Besides having no brow waxing skills, I have no common sense when it comes to the timing of things. The fact that I have a big book signing coming up at 7 p.m. Friday at Powell’s on Cedar Hills Crossing in Portland should have deterred me from taking major cosmetic risks at this point, but it’s actually what convinced me the grooming effort would be a good idea.

So now I have mismatched eyebrows with random patchy chunks missing. I’m also waiting to see if I end up with a black eye from stepping on a rake in my garage the other day. I’ve seen the rake sitting there for weeks, and it crossed my mind more than once that I should turn it around so I wouldn’t end up smashing myself in the face with it.

But the face smashing occurred, and my cheekbone still aches. I don’t see any noticeable marks so far, but I’m half expecting to wake up with some sort of delayed-onset black eye.

It can happen. Well, if it can happen, it will certainly happen to me.

Then there’s the sunburn I got yesterday by forgetting to ask someone to put sunscreen on my back until after I’d been out on the lake for more than three hours. Fortunately, that shouldn’t be too noticeable at the book signing unless I decide to take my shirt off. Given my questionable judgment recently, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility.

Make me feel better here – what dumb things have you done lately? Please share, I need to know I'm not alone in this.

Oh, and if you happen to live near Portland and are planning to attend the Powell’s event on Friday, can you let me know in the comments? They’re trying to get a ballpark head count so they know which room to put is in.

I’m thinking the one with the padded walls would do nicely.


Summer Frey said...

Sorry to say, nothing dumb crosses my mind. But I wax my own eyebrows too. I've found that trimming the shape of my eyebrow along the top of the piece greatly reduces the margin of error.

Kim Mullican said...

A little over a week ago it was hot...really hot outside and since I meet clients outside to look at cars, I decided to wear a silky thin light blue dress. I've had the dress for years. I also wore dark red panties.

Needless to say, when I bent down to get into a cabinet, the seam let go. I wasn't fortunate enough to hear the rip, so when my male co-worker had to comment on my panties, I was mortified. Especially considering that I'm the only female there.

But that's just one of a million stories. You're not alone! ;)

Linda G. said...

I've been fairly free of The Dumb for the past few days, thank goodness.

Of course, now that I've said that, I expect a veritable Deluge of Dumb to strike me today.

Sarah W said...

Dropped my bank card at the gas station this past Monday. Didn't notice until Tuesday morning, when I also discovered that I'd treated the next guy at the pump, who was apparently driving a monster truck, to a full tank of gas.

S/he had to use the credit option, so I don't have to pay for it, but still . . .

jill said...

I don't think I've done anything dumber than usual this week, but the week's still young!

Anyway, my (adult) daughter and I will be there on Friday! Shall we bring cupcakes?

Patty Blount said...

Oh, gosh, you need to pay closer attention to my tweets. I regularly do dumb things and I believe this is not - all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding - because I am dumb, it's because I'm too damned busy and cannot focus.

About a month ago, I was nearly KO's by by own sports bra. I frequently hit the gym here at my office during my lunch hour. I have to rush to get changed and on the elliptical before lunch is over, you see. I am *clears throat* blessed or cursed, depending on your POV with breast over-abundance.

I have 4 sports bras - one of which has a hook/eye closure in the back. (The others pull on.) I rotated the closure to the back and started tugging the straps over my arms. One hand slipped and I punched myself right in the jaw, almost fell into the open locker.

I tweeted this whole story. Sean Ferrell actually scolded me for putting in on Twitter, but the story ended up as a scene in @kidell's manuscript, so it wasn't a total loss. :)

Then there was the time I answered the slinky instead of the phone. I was playing with a slinky when my phone rang. I slammed the slinky into my cheek. Boy, did that leave a mark.

I saved the best for last. I JUST (2 days ago) picked up a new car. It has a remote starter. Today, it's teeming rain here so I hit the Unlock button on my remote hoping to dash behind the wheel. Apparently, I started the car but did not unlock it. I stood in the rain ACTUALLY worried I could not get into my locked and running car.

Duh. It took me a good minute to remember I WAS HOLDING A KEY.

Dr. Cheryl Carvajal said...

Patty made me LAUGH! Wow!

I'm afraid waxing eyebrows is something I still would not dare attempt. Your description makes me even less likely to try it.

I sure hope your signing goes well!

Jason said...

I commented to my wife about a pan being hot so not to touch it, then proceeded to grab it myself. That probably won't win me any MENSA awards.

And we both will be attending on Friday. Misaki wants to come to, but Powell's probably wouldn't be that thrilled about that.

Neurotic Workaholic said...

I once got a lip wax (I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, but having facial hair would be even more embarrassing) for just five bucks. I should've known it came with a catch; the woman either put too much wax on or pulled the strip off too quickly, because I ended up with a small cut on my upper lip. It looked a little like a mustache, which kind of defeated the purpose of the lip wax.
Now I'm willing to pay extra at a different salon to get it done right.

Judy,Judy,Judy. said...

I'm the caretaker for an elderly man who's not in his right mind. He can be lecherous ocassionally. Recently I was about to check to see if he needed a new Depends and I said, "Sir, have you got a surprise for me in your pants?" I realized as soon as I said it, the wording wasn't really wise. He wasn't aware enough to get the double entendre, thank goodness. But I laughed at myself for days.

Danica Avet said...

What dumb things haven't I done recently? There was the short cut I decided to take around the bench in my bedroom that resulted in a broken pinky toe. Or trying to put mascara on this weekend and poking myself dead in the eye with the wand. Then there was the doorway I was walking toward even though I knew I had to sneeze which meant I banged my head on the doorjamb.

You're not alone.

Isis Rushdan said...

I definitely had an airhead moment yesterday. After making pancakes from scratch, I set the table and looked for the maple syrup to heat it. Couldn't find it anywhere in the fridge or the pantry. My husband asked if I was sure I had checked everywhere. Of course I said yes, and then he hopped in the car and ran to the store. Due to construction on the road, what should have been a 5 minute trip down the road turned into 20. When he got back to lukewarm pancakes (because I didn't think to put them in the oven believing he'd be back any minute), he pulled out the milk to pour us both a glass and found the maple syrup behind the container.

I could only blame it on the gremlins that hide in our house.

funny in the 'hood said...

I once cut off part of my eyebrow trying to trim my own bangs.

And sorry to hear about your cheek - ouch!


Coleen Patrick said...

I always forget how bad i am at waxing my own eyebrows, until I am alternating between each brow trying to even them out.
I do the same stupid thing with my bangs too.
Thanks for the post!

lora96 said...

Got trapped in a pair of very snug maternity leggings and had to yell for help.

Charlotte Brentwood said...

I put a big bottle of tomato sauce on the top shelf of the pantry, and an hour later it fell down... all by itself! Then it helpfully poured most of its contents all over the family room floor (hardly any on the kitchen tiles) and many other objects in its path. That was a very unhappy Saturday night.

I think I'm getting clumsier as I get older. Very frustrating!

Oh and I wouldn't go near my eyebrows with hot wax. I prefer to draw out the torture with tweezers.

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

Wait, seriously? Eyebrow waxing? That's a thing?

I'm not 100% convinced the ladies in this comments thread aren't just putting one over all your hapless male readers.

Seriously. Eyebrow waxing?


You guys have had me in stitches all day with this stuff. Hilarious! Thank you so much for sharing!


Glynis said...

True story; a masturbatory injury.

I clonked my noggin on a bathroom cabinet so hard that I bled. You know how head wounds bleed? Yeah. And I had to go to work.

Good times.

Patty Blount said...

To Geoffrey,

Yes, eyebrow waxing is a real thing. I regularly subject myself to the torture because zip! and zip! it's done - instead of pluck!, pluck!, pluck! and some more plucks...

I'd tell you about my bikini wax experiences but... I hardly know you. :)

Unknown said...

I play roller derby and last week at practice I really needed to use the restroom. BUT... I didn't want to take off all of my gear so I decided to just wear it all. So there I was, in my roller skates and pads attempting to go to the restroom.... it went well... until I stood up to pull up my tights.... which is very difficult when your legs are sweaty. This is how it went: yanking up hot pink tights and fishnets.... I start to tip forward, instead of using my toe stops I just try to correct myself.... that doesn't work so I my wheel completelly launch me forward.... into the stall door (which was not latched very securely)... stall door opens and I face plant on the floor.... bare booty and all! THank goodness I kept my helmt and gear on or it would have hurt a lot more than my pride. :0)