Monday, May 10, 2010

My one-hour Mother's Day cabbage pregnancy

Yesterday, we went for a ride on the tandem bike.

On our way home, Pythagoras spotted a sporting goods store and couldn’t resist the urge to stare at $5000 time-trial bikes.

Since I’d rather cut off my pinkie toes and soak my feet in grapefruit juice, I walked across the street to a small produce stand. Once there, I decided to make German red cabbage for dinner.

I selected a small purple cabbage and a Granny Smith apple and approached the cash register. “Excuse me,” I said to the clerk as I lifted my sweatshirt and turned to reveal the pockets on the back of my cycling jersey. “Do you think these would fit?”

He looked at me, looked at the cabbage, looked at the pockets. “Um, I guess I could try.”

“No, no – I don’t need you to put it in for me. Just wondering if it would fit?”

We weighed the cabbage, considered its dimensions, inspected my pockets, and eventually determined it was too large. “That’s OK,” I said finally. “The apple can go in the pocket, and if I cinch up the bottom of my sweatshirt, I can stick the cabbage in the front.”

I tried it out just to make sure it would work. Then I paid the clerk and walked across the street to find my husband.

When he saw me, he stared.

“How do I look?” I asked.

“Like a pregnant woman with a bobtail.”

“Excellent. Ready?”

So off we went on the tandem bike, earning a few strange looks from bystanders, and one shouted wish for me to have a happy Mother’s Day.

Then Pythagoras spotted another sporting goods store. We parked the bike and headed inside, Pythagoras studying me as he held the door open.

“Maybe you should take the produce out of your clothes,” he suggested.

“Wouldn’t it be weirder to walk around a sporting goods store carrying a cabbage and an apple?”

“I’m honestly not sure which is weirder.”

Once we were inside, Pythagoras became less interested with weirdness and more interested in overpriced bikes. I wandered around honking horns on the tricycles. That amused me for about five minutes. Then I was bored and ready to leave. I walked to the back of the shop where Pythagoras was talking to the clerk.

“We should go now,” I said, rubbing my cabbage belly through my sweatshirt. “It’s starting to kick.”

Pythagoras looked at me. “Want me to kick it back?”

The clerk was clearly horrified until I lifted my shirt and revealed the cabbage.

Then he just looked confused.

“It’s what all the cool cyclists are doing these days,” I informed him. “Cabbage in the front, apple in the back.”

“OK,” the clerk said, suddenly very interested in helping a customer at the other end of the store.

We eventually made it back on our bike and back home, with several fellow cyclists yielding the right-of-way upon seeing my delicate condition.

“I should ride like this all the time,” I told Pythagoras.

“No,” he said. “You really shouldn’t.”

“You’d better be nice or I won’t give you any cabbage.”

“Why does that sound dirty when you say it?”

30 comments :

Patty said...

Sadly, if I'd stuffed produce under my shirt, no one would have noticed anything different.

RJS said...

That is the *last* time I read your blog at work. Can't... stifle... laughter....!

LR said...

So I assume the baby will be bilingual? (German and English)

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Ha ha ha! That is too funny! :-)

Linda G. said...

Awww. Your own little Cabbage Patch baby. Hope you had an easy delivery! :)

Jennifer X said...

Bahahahahahaha! Classic. I would have loved to be in the bike store for that conversation. I hope I find a husband like Pythagoras one day. Gotta have laughter.

Delia said...

Okay, I can deal with the cabbage, but the apple looks rather grotesque, like you've sprouted an obscene tumor or your dirty diaper is riding high or something. Whichever...there's an ewww factor there for which I was wholly unprepared.

@Linda, Cabbage Patch baby. *snort*

tammygallant.com said...

And I thought shopping with my hubby was weird!(he always makes lewd comments about produce)

Piedmont Writer said...

Funny story. Better with picture.

Kelly Breakey said...

I am looking at your picture and wondering whats different here? Oh, I know, is that a new helmet?

Matthew Rush said...

That is a very funny tale, but I agree with Anne, the photo really tied it all together.

Tawna Fenske said...

Patty, what about a watermelon? :)

RJS, I'm always delighted to get people into trouble at work!

LR, ha! What's the German word for cabbage? I should probably know this, but it's Pythagoras who speaks German.

Shannon, you know what else is funny? After all that hassle, I got home and realized I didn't have the sweet onion I needed. Alas, I'll have to make the German red cabbage tonight instead.

Linda G, I always wanted a @#$% Cabbage Patch Doll but never did get one. This is my replacement.

Jennifer X, you're right -- lesser men would probably have been embarrassed. My husband just seemed amused.

Delia, I kind of liked having an apple for a tail. It was tough to wag, but other than that, it looked cute.

tammygallant.com, um yeah -- I long ago gave up allowing Pythagoras to accompany me when I purchase cucumbers. Or zucchini. Or summer squash. Or...

Piedmont Writer, I agree, the picture sort of pulls it all together!

Kelly, you like the helmet? It has daisies on it :)

Matthew, thanks! The neighbors were outside when we took the photo (same neighbors who witnessed the "fake car sex" episode I blogged about a couple months ago). They didn't even ask what the heck we were doing.

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Shain Brown said...

I don't know how Py handles your antics. I mean most guys don't have the backbone to handle a creature of your interest. See, after that trip I would require you to bring a backpack on all future outdoor expeditions just to limit any further embarrassment (though I laughed so hard at the picture it might have been worth the memory).

Shainer

LR said...

German word for cabbage: Kohl

Red cabbage: Rotkohl ;)

Candyland said...

Only you can make a cabbage and an apple look HOT.

Candyland said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candyland said...

Woops.

Shannon said...

Too funny! :)

Liz Czukas said...

Your blog always leaves me with tears streaming down my face as I gasp for air.

Thanks for the Monday guffaw.

- Liz

Robin said...

That is the first time red cabbage has ever taken on sexual connotations for me (in any way, shape, or form). I have to admit you do have some kind of special genius. Hilarious post:-)

Larissa said...

Ditto what Liz said. Snort-laughing and glad hubby's not here.

"Want me to kick it back?" Absolute favorite line.

Awesome.

Sydnee said...

You are AMAZING, you know that? Only an epic writer could hold a cabbage inside her shirt and make telling the story the highlight of my day. Also points to your hubby for the "Want me to kick it back?" line. :)

Cynthia Reese said...

Hilarious! I can just SEE the clerk's face!

Debra L. Schubert said...

No one could look better with a cabbage in front and apple in back. Meeting you last week was a highlight of my life, even without the vegetables. ;-)

Claire Dawn said...

Why do I keep forgetting not to read this at work.

CHOKING!!!

If you weren't my idol before, now you are. Goal for this week, be more like Tawna!

Melanie Sherman said...

I don't know. I'm afraid one of those babies will be gassy and the other will have good teeth. But how you will explain how different the twins look? I mean, two different species...I've heard of such things.

susan said...
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Tawna Fenske said...

Shain, pretty sure Pythagoras knew what he was getting himself into when he married me 12 years ago :)

LR, thank you! I will use both words in daily conversation.

Candyland, now you're making me wonder what all those deleted comments were :)

Shannon, thanks!

Liz, I didn't mean to make you cry. Here, have a cupcake.

Robin, special genius? I'm going to print that on some business cards.

Larissa, I really did think the clerk might call the cops on that one. Pythagoras has a deadpan delivery that makes it tough for strangers to know when he's joking.

Sydnee, epic writer? Wow, you guys are sure stroking my ego today. That whole thing at the top about not petting me when I'm writing? That doesn't count for my ego. Stroke away! (Er, that sounded way dirtier than I meant it to).

Cynthia, the bystanders looked pretty mystified, too. I don't think the cabbage belly would have generated the stares if it weren't for the apple tail.

Debra, I will be sure to bring plenty of vegetables to our next meeting (OK, that sounded kinda dirty, too...what is it with me today?)

Claire Dawn, I'm not sure the world needs more Tawnas, but thank you just the same!

Melanie, and the butt-born baby would obviously have extra problems!

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Patty said...

OK, the watermelon would earn a few raised eyebrows. I'm not quite that large.

I lost a pound this week. The elliptical is a miracle machine, I tell ya!

Simon C. Larter said...

Huh. I guess I'm not the only guy who lusts after overpriced road bikes.

The time trial bikes are just so SEXY, though.... *sigh*

Not as sexy as cabbage, but y'know.