Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Revenge in a red dress

I attended a ladies’ fashion luncheon on Saturday, and I’m pleased to report I didn’t spit gristle in anyone’s purse.

OK, I did roll up my sleeves and fix a broken toilet at one point, but I swear I washed my hands before picking up my champagne flute.

The event involved an impressive number of amateur models of all ages, shapes and sizes mingling with guests and describing their outfits and accessories. Near the end of the show, a petite fifty-something model strode out in a saucy red dress no twenty-something in that room could have worn half as stunningly.

You could tell it wasn’t the sort of thing she’d normally wear, but she was rockin’ it. When I told her she looked beautiful, she leaned close and addressed me in a conspiratorial whisper.

“This is the dress you wear when you’re meeting your ex and his new girlfriend for the first time.”

I loved her for saying that. Not that I have a fervent desire to strut around in a red dress in front of any exes, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Deep down, don’t we all have someone we hope we run into on a very good hair day? Haven’t we all entertained a fantasy that someone will just happen to skim the New York Times bestseller list on the day our name appears?

Not that revenge or a desire to show someone up is the best motive to fuel a workout regimen, a career, or a writing goal, but it’s not the worst, either.

No need to name names, but is there someone you desperately hope witnesses your successes someday? Do you picture yourself in your saucy red dress signing books hand-over-fist when that someone just happens to walk by?

OK, you male readers can stop picturing yourself in the red dress now. Boxer briefs and a bowtie, perhaps?

I’d go to any book signing by an author dressed like that. I’d also fix the toilet if you needed me to. That’s just the kind of lady I am.

24 comments :

lynnrush said...

Great post. Yeah, I have to admit, I've had those feelings before. . . mainly for a class reunion type situation.

Great post. I'll remember who to call if I have toilet issues. :)

Patrick Alan said...

No. No, I can't stop picturing myself in the red dress, nor can I decide who I really want to see me in it.

Sarah W said...

If I ever do a book signing, I will wear anything as long as people stop at my table - and not just to borrow my pen or ask directions to other people's books.

But if a certain member of my old writing group walks by - the delightful gentleman who told me no one cared about anything I wrote - and sees me in a red dress laughing with people who do care . . . pure icing, baby.

Linda G. said...

Give me a second...I'm picturing all those guys in boxer briefs and bow ties.

Okay, I'm back. Let's see...there was this one sneery-faced girl in junior high who always made me like I could never measure up. It would be kind of sweet if she were to show up at one of my (still imaginary at this point) book signings. It wouldn't kill me if she were wrinkled, fat, and wearing stretch pants, either. ;)

Danica Avet said...

Oh, yes, most definitely. Mainly, it would be all the people who thought I was a nerd for reading so much. Then of course, the exes...yeah, definitely the exes, LOL and several other people. Okay, so I have issues!

Charissa Weaks said...

LOL...between your and @JulieALindsey's blog posts this morning, I may run 30 miles today. Okay...not really...I would pass out and die...but I do have new motivation now. ;)

Trisha Leigh said...

Absolutely. Those "someones" are often my motivation to work out also. Can't happen by them on a random day/time in the future with a fat ass.

German Chocolate Betty said...

WEll, I've got to confess I sort of had one of these "gotchas" way back when (5th HS class reunion). I'd been the class nerd (valedictorian, national merit scholar, math award, science award, latin award...you get the picture). Also skinny (all elbows and knees), glasses....

Not even the uncool guys were interested. My first boyfriend (senior year!) was not only NOT from my school, he was from a different TOWN (although, bizarrely, he was surprisingly cool...)

So, fastforward 5 years. Glasses replaced by contacts, a few extra pounds brought a few curves, short hair grew long and lush.

Showed up at the reunion (dance) with a totally wow little black number (spaghetti straps, handkerchief skirt), stacked heels.

All the guys who wouldn't even acknowledge me in the hall wanted to dance with me -- "where were you in high school???"

So there, you SHALLOW MORONS!!!

Was sort of my own personal "Romy and Michele" moment.

Not sure if any of the other "red dress" moments will ever reach that level.

Debra L. Schubert said...

Um, yeah. And I'm sure you know who those someones are. And, Patrick? No one could rock the red dress and heels better than you.

Patty Blount said...

Oh, yes! There is a certain person who expended much energy belittling me at every opportunity.

ExMagistra said...

I need to lose the baby weight before I can start picturing myself in any knock-em-dead red dresses.

Is it wrong that I can think of at least a fourteen dozen people that I hope to run into on a very good day?

Amanda said...

I totally need a red dress moment!

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

Fantasizing about details of publication is hubris in the first degree, but I still can't help wanting (in the deep darkness of my soul that I only share with any stranger who happens to read blogs) to dedicate a work "To the People Who Said I'd Never Make It -- Kiss My Ass" or something similar.

It's not a thing that's useful to think about, or a thing I would do even if I did have a work coming out. No one needs a reputation for being that kind of an asshole. But the fantasy is there, just like all those fantasies of looking dapper in my boxers and bow-tie.

Wait, what?

Stephanie said...

Oh yes...there are a few snobby girls who were mean to me in school!!! Love for them to see my success now!! And yeah, to see me looking sexy too...oh yes!!

RobynBradley said...

@Geoffrey lol -- love that idea for an acknowledgment page. And yes, Tawna, been there and felt that. I'd like to think I'll be a bigger person should the time ever come, but who knows? Instead of the red dress, however, I'm going to wear my new Pajama Jeans which I LOVE and may never take off. Which might stir up an interesting moment at a book signing in and of itself.

Terry said...

Oh I sooooooooo know who it would be. She's dead now but I believe in heaven!!! lol Geoffery you are a funny boy and I totaly agree with your post!!

Keriann Martin said...

Hi all! Tawna, I just started following your blog yesterday ... love it, by the way. Hilarious. I'm a brand-spanking new writer. Actually you probably couldn't even call me a writer yet because I've only written two pages so far that I'm going to re-write first chance I get. But, I do hope to have that red dress moment someday :). Might not be for becoming a famous author, but who knows? In fact, my HS reunion is next year so I've got a lot of work to do!

B. WHITTINGTON said...

I love the humor in this post and I've decided all female writers do need a little red dress. Put back the pizazz into our lives.

Thanks for the lift in spirits on this snowy day in OH.
Blessings.

HoldenLyric said...

LOVED this post. I'm sure people think it's hot that a woman can fix a toilet. One time I was changing my oil in a skirt on my street and some guy driving by shouted, "That is the hottest thing I've ever seen!"

I'm glad he didn't see me spill it everywhere...might have changed his mind...cough...

Ohhh, I have someone in mind alright.

Psh. I want him to see me in it so I can be the one to walk away for once. Even though I'll probably wake up the next day in his bed.

It's the thought that counts, right?

Heather Hellmann said...

Yes. I can see them now. A couple girls who were rotten to me in middle school, and my ex boyfriend. Sometimes, I do daydream about it :)

kmullican said...

Just my ex and his hooker - but I kill them both in every book I write, so...revenge is sweet! ;)

Always love your blog!

Elise said...

The opposite always happens to me -- I run into my husband's exes when I'm wearing old sweats, thick glasses, a sloppy ponytail, and no-sleep face. It's a look that's a guaranteed run-into-the-wrong-person magnet. One would think I'd get the hint and CHANGE the look, but alas, I just don't see it happening...

Penelope said...

I love this post! I can certainly think of a few people who I'd like to run into on the days I'm shining.

The fact that you could wear a great red dress whilst fixing a toliet is exactly why I enjoy your blog so much!

Penelope

Tawna Fenske said...

I love how so many of you have red dress fantasies, too! Thanks for sharing them, guys. Keep it up!

Tawna