Monday, July 25, 2011

Bizarre burglars, clueless housemates, and one blog contest winner

When I decided to rent out rooms in my home during my divorce, there are key reasons I chose to take in two twenty-something males. Surprisingly, none of the reasons involved cougar-themed fantasies.

The main thing I craved were housemates who'd leave me alone. I didn't want buddies who'd want to cook meals together and talk about our feelings. I wanted to come and go as I pleased, with housemates who'd do the same. The arrangement has worked well for the most part, though it became apparent the other night we could stand to improve our communication skills.

Saturday was a whirlwind of activity, with my ex dropping by to claim a hodge-podge of possessions decreed to him in the divorce agreement. I saw one of the housemates in passing and mentioned the situation to him before a friend dropped by to pick me up for a concert.

It wasn't until much later I realized the other housemate was in the dark. My first clue came in the form of a voicemail:

Um, where is everyone? All the cars are here, and the motorcycles, too. Something weird is going on. Call me.
I didn't get the message until nearly midnight when a friend brought me home from the concert. Everyone was sound asleep by then, and after a quick tour around the house to make sure it wasn't on fire or in danger of being overtaken by poltergeists, I turned in for the evening.

The next afternoon, I came home from shopping to find the housemate in the kitchen.

"Dude," he said. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"I got home from work and no one was here – not even the dog. All the cars were here though."

Before I could point out that I'd gotten a ride to the concert and the other housemate had likely taken the dog for a walk, he interrupted.

"That wasn't the weirdest part though," he said. "I went to make dinner and all the silverware was gone. Then I looked in your office and your desk was gone, but there's a new desk in there. And that cowbell over the fireplace is missing."

I wasn't sure whether to praise his observation skills or ask whether he really believed someone had broken into the house and stolen the dog, the silverware, a cowbell, and my desk (which, as he noted, the thoughtful thief had replaced with a different desk). Then he noticed the big box of silverware in my hand.

"Oh, cool," he said, reaching for the box. "It comes with ten steak knives."

I never got to explain anything else, but at least he's pleased with the new silverware.

Later that evening, I found him on the sofa drinking beer and watching television. I handed him a bowl filled with tiny slips of paper bearing the names of readers entered in Friday's blog contest. "Can you pick one?"

He dug his hand in the bowl and grabbed a slip of paper. "Rick Lipman," he read. "What's it for?"

"A contest on my blog," I replied.

"Blog?"

"Right. I have this blog and – " I stopped myself, deciding it was probably best if he didn't know. "Enjoy your MacGyver marathon."

"Mmmph," he said, already tuning me out.

So congratulations to Rick. Send your snail mail address to tawnafenske at yahoo dot com and I'll hook you up with a signed copy of Making Waves. And super-huge thanks to the rest of you for all the wonderful suggestions and ideas on Friday's post. I owe you one!

Oh, and for the record, don't count on my housemates for ransom if you decide to kidnap me. We'll all be waiting awhile.

19 comments :

Missy said...

I take it that you didn't tell your house mates about your blog before they moved in. Now he's gonna google stalk you and realize that you are an author with a real book!

Sarah W said...

Missy: A real book and a vibrator and handcuffs in her header . . .

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

It's probably best to keep your housemates in the dark about your writing "alter ego." It'd only cramp their natural style and put the end to a bunch of really great blog fodder.

Jessica Lemmon said...

I love this line: "...whether he really believed someone had broken into the house and stolen the dog, the silverware, a cowbell, and my desk"

HAHAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh! ;D

Patty Blount said...

NO! Not the desk! I lusted after that desk.

Michelle Wolfson said...

I'm with Patty--I sort of can't believe he got that desk! not to mention the cowbell.

Linda G. said...

LOL! Man, I love (and admire!) how you find the humor in any situation.

I can't believe you didn't get the desk, either. Grrr.

BTW, I showed TG the picture of you in front of your B&N display. He said (and I quote), "Man, her ex is an idiot." Not sure if he was referring to your looks or your success, but I figure either works. ;)

Rick said...

Wow. I won something? I won something!

I am crazy excited about this! But I'm so sorry to hear about the cowbell. I mean, that's just cruel. Who decides to get a divorce and take the silverware and cowbell with them?

Clearly you are lucky to be rid of such a sociopath. (PS - sending you an e-mail now!)

Danielle Spears said...

Ugh... at least you got the house.

Kelly Breakey said...

You had a cowbell?

Kimberly Sabatini said...

That is exactly what I needed for a Monday morning...

"I wasn't sure whether to praise his observation skills or ask whether he really believed someone had broken into the house and stolen the dog, the silverware, a cowbell, and my desk (which, as he noted, the thoughtful thief had replaced with a different desk). Then he noticed the big box of silverware in my hand."

Love it! :o)

Suze said...

Maaan - he got the cowbell? Only Christopher Walken should get a cowbell in a divorce. Wait, were you married to Christopher Walken??

lora96 said...

Do you need a replacement cowbell? We can all club together and get you a new and better and younger/more attractive one! :D

Hope the concert was fun. I think it was very wise to be out of the house during the ex-removes-objects visit. Good that housemate is aware enough to notice dog and person and furnishings are missing...future on csi perhaps.

lora96 said...

Do you need a replacement cowbell? We can all club together and get you a new and better and younger/more attractive one! :D

Hope the concert was fun. I think it was very wise to be out of the house during the ex-removes-objects visit. Good that housemate is aware enough to notice dog and person and furnishings are missing...future on csi perhaps.

Judy,Judy,Judy. said...

I swear you can make me laugh at anything. Clueless males as roomates. What a great idea!
So easily distracted to. Just put something stupid on television and watch them drift away.

Patrick Alan said...

Ok, what do you use for a poltergeist sweep of the house? I don't really trust my cats to randomly meow at the wall anymore. They do that because they don't like the cat door to the litter box I just installed.

M.E. said...

Enjoyed the post - I'm definitely not one for "buddy-type roommates" either. I used to live with two other girls who wanted to have a "roomie night" where we cooked together, read the Bible, and did a fun activity. Ick! No wonder I locked myself in my room and feigned sleep...

Sierra Godfrey said...

I'm with everyone else regarding the desk-- you've shown enough pictures of it to make us all envious. It was a really nice desk.

Also, did he really take the dog? Man. I hate that guy. (DO I hate him? Not sure whether we're supposed to.)

And I have long wondered how long it will be before the housemates Google you and find this blog.

Regina said...

Poor lil flatmate. I'm glad he is clued in now. Congratulations Rick!