Thursday, October 11, 2012

When sexting isn’t sexy

Sixteen months ago, I visited New York City for the first time and met my amazing agent in person. The meeting occurred just two months before the release of Making Waves, and two months after I found myself in a new romantic relationship for the first time in fifteen years.

My agent and I discussed the strangeness of those life events colliding, and she offered miscellaneous bits of advice. “You should probably steer clear of sexting,” she suggested.

She was either joking, or making a sincere effort to safeguard my budding reputation as a debut author. Joking seems more likely, since I write romantic comedy. Where a sex scandal might damage the career of a children’s author, it would only pique public interest in mine. Not that I’m planning to release amateur porn videos (hi, mom!) but suffice it to say, I don’t fret about leaked text messages harming a reputation based largely on risqué humor and inappropriate sexual innuendo.

In any case, I can’t say I took the advice to heart. I love naughty text messages, especially the ones from potty-mouthed gal pals trying to get a laugh out of me.

Most sexy messages I send are meant for my gentleman friend, though admittedly not all reach their intended destination. A few months ago, I mistakenly sent my realtor a frisky lunch invite. Thoroughly amused when I cleared things up, she inquired if I might be free for a fully-clothed meal instead.

One of my best girlfriends told me recently about a sexy text exchange she had with her traveling husband. In the midst of their spicy correspondence, autocorrect issued a message from her declaring, “my piss is so wet for you.”

Her husband was not aroused.

My worst blooper occurred the first time I met my gentleman friend’s ex-wife. The meeting was arranged to ensure she felt comfortable with the new woman in their offspring’s life, and the mood was friendly but awkward.

During a lull in conversation, my gentleman friend tried to lighten the mood by texting me something hilariously filthy from across the table. Unfortunately, it was the precise moment I handed my phone to his ex to show her the cracked screen.

The look on my gentleman friend’s face is one I’ll remember ‘til I die.

I’m still not sure the ex-wife read the note, though I doubt she’d be surprised by her former spouse’s habit of easing strained moments with risqué humor. It’s one of the things I love best about him, and I doubt I’m alone in admiring the trait.

Do you have any awkward sexting moments you’d care to share, either intentional or unintentional? I’d love to hear about ‘em! So would my mom. It’ll take her mind off that amateur porn thing.

7 comments :

Patty Blount said...

It's not sexting, but close...

A few months ago, when SEND was released, I'd been invited to NYC to participate on a young adult panel with two other authors. The event was fairly well-publicized on Twitter by all of us, including the agent coordinating the event.

I got a tweet from author Sean Ferrell saying his plans changed and he'd be able to attend this event. I can't even BEGIN to describe how happy this made me. I love Sean's work and attended a few of his events when NUMB came out. To think he'd now be attending my event? I mean, it just doesn't get better than this, you know?

In my state of euphoria and shock, I tweeted back:

OMG, ARE YOU COMING?

As soon as I hit send (ironic, right?), I realized how that might be interpreted, but it was too late. Twitter lit up with all kinds of jokes ("No, he's just breathing heavy!") and even Sean himself replied, "You were so excited in ALL CAPS" or something along those lines.

My face stayed crimson for about six hours that day.

And yes, that day WAS incredible. Sean was in the audience and though I did not know it until afterwards, so was Jeff Somers. *tingles*

Michael Offutt, Tebow Cult Initiate said...

I don't have any that I can share, however, I want to say "good for you." I think people should feel free to be themselves and part of that is having a wonderful and exciting sex life. It is the key to happiness :)

Julie Glover said...

My husband texted our son's baseball coach, trying to schedule a lesson. Autocorrect changed the word "open" so that his text ended up reading, "That date is porno." He immediately typed, "That date is OPEN. OPEN." Later, when I dropped off my son, the coach said, "Yeah, I was wondering what that was about."

That autocorrect will getcha. I turned it off on my phone.

Aurelia Blue said...

Oh, Patty, that IS funny.

Once my 15yo son sent me a text he meant to send his gf. I'd lost my phone under all the paper drafts on my desk and hadn't yet got the message, but he came home all in a panic because he thought I did. "I'm so so sooo sorry I sexted you today, Mom," He started yelling as he opened the front door, surprising both the elderly neighbor lady visiting for coffee and the paper delivery guy who had walked up behind him. The best part was that he finally let me read it:

Hi. :) U R so cute. I love your pretty hair.

Kinda wish that message had been for me. Except for the whole, he meant it as a sext, of course. ;)

Rich Amooi said...

Okay, this is not about sexting exactly. But it's close! For my birthday, my wife sent me one of those animated birthday cards by e-mail. It was a bit risque. Well, I never actually got it because she accidentally sent it to the HR manager at a company where she just had applied for a job the day before. She ended up writing to the person and apologizing. She didn't get the job.

Patty Blount said...

Tawna, do you remember when I told you the story about how I invited twelve people to do a 'vulvan mind meld' with me?

That was supposed to be Vulcan. *dies laughing* I just typed two V's AGAIN! This time, I double-checked before I hit send.

miaohdeux said...

The day after I bagged a former coworker (after MONTHS of flirtation), I texted a close friend, "Well, I finally fucked him!"

My friend texted back, "Thank you for sharing the great news just when I was showing a colleague something on my phone."