The dirty-talking stranger in my house

I was surfing porn writing diligently in my home office when the doorbell rang Friday afternoon. Expecting a Christmas package for my gentleman friend, I flung open the door and frowned with disappointment.

"You don't have a package," I said to the man standing there. "For Christmas, I mean. I'm sure you have a package. And I'm sure it's perfectly adequate. Not I'm suggesting I want to see it or –"

Seeing the look of terror on his face, I stopped talking. Then I pasted on my best I-swear-I'm-not-crazy smile. "How can I help you?"

"We're doing free cleaning demonstrations and would like to clean one piece of furniture and one area of carpet totally free, no obligation, did I mention it's free?"

Hearing only the magic words free and cleaning, I gladly opened my door to a stranger.

Of course, the whole thing turned out to be a sales pitch for a $3,500 vacuum he insisted would last forever and possibly do my taxes.

"Do Kirby vacuums really last forever?" I asked.

"Absolutely."

"Good. Because I bought one at a garage sale ten years ago for $15, and it's working great. I'm happy to know I'll never need to buy another."

He wasn't happy to hear this, but since he was already in my living room with his hose in-hand, he figured he might as well stick around and provide the promised cleaning.

In hindsight, I might've been annoyed the whole process ended up taking more than four hours. But how can you complain about a man who not only offers FREE CLEANING, but talks dirty to you while he does it?

Here's a small sampling of the filthy words he uttered as he cleaned cat fur off my staircase:

• "Where should I unpack my equipment?"
• "It's the longest hose you can buy, and look – it doesn't kink when you twist it."
• "I promise, you've never seen suction like this."
• "You can also push this button here to make it blow."
• "It's a lot dirtier than you thought, isn't it?"
• "I'm going to spread this out nice and even."
• "Watch how fast it can suck it up."

I wish I could say I made all that up, but those are real phrases he used. Each one sent me scrambling for my iPhone so I could write down whatever he'd just said. He probably wondered why I kept giggling like an idiot as I typed, but maybe not since I told him I'm a romantic comedy author.

He was just finishing up when my gentleman friend returned home. "Why are all the covers pulled back on the bed?"

"That dirty-talking vacuum guy asked me to do it," I informed him.

He's known me long enough not to be alarmed by such announcements. "Now you're going to tell me about all this sucking that went on in our bed today?"

"Maybe. Aren't you glad I just changed the sheets this morning?"

"I suspect he's glad."

Me, too. And I also suspect he won't be returning to my house anytime soon.