Thursday, October 13, 2011

Huge sticks, peckers, and other spam delights

At least once a week, I like to open up my email spam folder. This isn't so I can clean it out.

It's because my spam folder is a veritable treasure trove of amusement that never ceases to delight me. Sometimes it's the sender's email address that sets me giggling. Other times it's the subject line. Here are a few of my favorites from the last couple days...

I like the way this one clarifies the message with both the sender's email address and the subject. In case I had any question what hornymilf69 might be proposing, it's spelled out right there in nice, bold letters. I also appreciate having the type of date made clear up front. There's nothing more awkward than showing up thinking you're there for a sex date, only to discover your sweetheart has tickets to the opera.

You've gotta love the marketing hook. Indeed, it's true nothing beats a huge stick, though there's a time and a place for being beaten with one.

Um, yeah. The last time I had THAT dream, I woke to discover a Hairy Woodpecker attacking my windowsill (incidentally, Hairy Woodpecker would be a great subject line for some email spam).

Oooh! Let me take a guess at the three questions so I don't actually have to open the email!
  1. Can I get you a glass of wine to enjoy while I fix dinner?
  2. You're such a brilliant writer that I was just wondering  – is there any chance you'll let me read and worship every word you've ever written?
  3. Have you seen the yardstick so I can measure my wood? (What? He's building you a new computer desk!
Of course, not all email spam is dirty. Some offers excellent career opportunities!

Also in high demand – someone who knows how to use apostrophes correctly! It's apparently a rampant problem.
 Oh, and in case you're wondering how I got so lucky  what I did to trigger such a barrage of horrible, filthy email spam, you should know that whatever profiling system the spammers use isn't terribly accurate:

Does sharing the zest require me to open the Viagra spam directly below that one? Because it seems like the two might go together.

So what's in your spam folder? Anything juicy? Please share!

And feel free to contribute a guess about the "3 questions that get women turned on," while you're at it! We owe it to the men of the world to help out as much as possible


Matthew MacNish said...

I just have to point out there is one thing that beats a huge stick all the time. It's called a hand.

Anyway, I've been getting a series of these interesting ones lately. They come from all kind of randomly different named "women's" email addresses, and they start out very nice.

"I'm a shy girl who loves books..."

It gets raunchy fast from there, but I though that was an interesting new twist.

Jessica Lemmon said...

How about, "I can't possibly spend all this cash on my own, would you mind helping me parcel it out to Nordstrom's?"

Sarah W said...

1. Could you sit right here out of the way, while I empty the dishwasher and finish folding the kids' laundry?

2. Do you want to watch "The Mirror has Two Faces?" I'm bored with baseball/football/soccer/shuffleboard/golf/competitive skipping.

3. Would you like to take a nice long nap while I take the kids miles away?

Author R. Mac Wheeler said...

Have I told you lately how much I enjoy reading your posts?

Susan S said...

Tawna, you crack me up. You also get all the good spam.

All I get are spam ads for Ugg Boots and Cialis, and considering that I am neither male nor Norwegian (I am Danish did they figure it out??) I agree their filters need work.

Some poor barefoot Norwegian is going to have a miserable winter (and his wife a worse one) if they don't.

Blaire Kensley said...

You always know what to say to make my day. Never fails & I'm almost guaranteed a good milk-squirting-from-nose laugh. ;-)


Matthew, if it's an ESPECIALLY huge stick, there's seldom a shortage of hands eager to beat it :)

Jessica, LOL, I almost included a question like that in the blog post, but didn't want to sound too much like a gold-digger!

Sarah, bwahahaha! These are great! I especially love #1.

Mac, I live to entertain you :)

Susan, I kinda wondered what's in other people's spam boxes. Since this post doesn't seem to be racking up a ton of comments, I'm sorta picturing everyone going, "jeez, what a spam box doesn't have any of that crap in it."

Blaire, glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks for reading, guys!

Allie Sanders said...

My favorite spam-scam ever was the one where the FBI e-mailed me to tell me that someone in South Africa was trying to send me money as part of a terrorist attack.

The wording was terrible, the e-mail addy was wrong,and honestly, if I were suspected of terrorist actions I doubt they'd be e-mailing me for my information.

I still get them every few months and I keep laughing every time I do.

1) Honey, I did the dishes and the laundry. Dinner is almost done so why don't you go put your feet up?
2) I'm off to the gym.
3) I don't like sports.

Patrick Alan said...

Well, we all say Geez, what a pervert, but it has nothing to do with your spam. We say it about your giant raging pervertednessism.