Monday, October 24, 2011

The sisterhood of the crappy grass

Yesterday evening, I mowed my lawn for the last time.

It's definitely the last seasonal mow, and depending on how the impending home sale unfolds, perhaps the last time I'll ever mow it.

I'm not ashamed to tell you I have one of the ugliest lawns on the block. There are brown patches and uneven spots and more dandelions than I can count. If you held a contest for the crappiest grass, I would first question your soundness of judgment and inquire why you didn't hold a contest for the most wine bottles in the recycle bin, because I would totally rock that contest.

Then I'd have to admit that in a contest for the worst lawn, it would come down to a tie between my yard and the neighbor's.

And that's when I'd pull another bottle of wine out of the rack, walk next door to her house, and knock on her door. And when she answered, I would hand her the wine and say thank you.

Thank you for being a single, female homeowner who's somehow making it work. Thank you for wheeling your mower out time and again and coaxing it to life in the driveway. Thank you for mowing your ugly excuse for a lawn all by yourself, week after week, and inspiring me to do the same. Our yards might not be the nicest on the block, but they've been lovingly tended. 

Then I would shake her hand and wish her a good evening.

OK, that's a lie. Secretly, I'd kinda hope she might invite me in to share the wine and maybe tell me that she's been inspired by my ugly excuse for a lawn and my steadfast determination to maintain it. Then we'd have a pillow fight in our underwear and make a bunch of risque jokes about "keeping the grass trimmed" and "getting a guy to help mow the lawn."

But since lawn mowing season has ended, I doubt that'll happen. For now, we'll stick with smiling and nodding when we pass each other at the mailbox.

Or maybe I'll throw in one butt pat, just for the sake of the sisterhood.

Have you ever found yourself inspired, moved, or encouraged by a random stranger? Ever felt camaraderie with someone you hardly know? Please share!

Or feel free to toss out a good lawn mowing or grass joke. That's good, too.


Author R. Mac Wheeler said...

You inspire me. Your wit proves the most common topic can slop onto the page irreverently, give a guy a giggle.

Ang said...

Please tell me that those cute sandals were for photo-op purposes only and that you did not actually wear them while mowing the yard! O.o As someone who also maintains the yard herself, I raise my glass to you. (Just be sure to wear tennis shoes!)

Judy, Judy, Judy said...

zeroscaping people, zeroscaping. Less mowing time. More wine drinking time.


Mac, wait, did you just call me slop? :)

Ang, I cannot lie, I have been known to mow in sandals.

Judy, Judy, Judy, believe me, I would have KILLED to zeroscape the whole damn yard. This was one of those marital disagreements I didn't win, hence all the @#$% grass.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Ali Trotta said...

I don't have any funny inspiration stories, but this post made me laugh. Personally, I'm the odd one who likes dandelions on the lawn. They're so bright and cheerful.

Jason said...

Oooohhhh...Black Butte Porter. :)

You really could have written this about my lawn. If I get out more than every three weeks to mow the lawn (who am I kidding - weeds), it's amazing. Working two jobs and writing a book while my wife is studying 10+ hours a day, there just isn't much time for stuff like "make the yard look nice."

Who am I kidding; I just don't care that much. :)