Monday, February 27, 2012

Alcohol may have been a factor

I should probably start this post with public service announcement about the dangers of excess drinking and how you should never consume alcohol and drive an automobile or operate heavy machinery or perform major surgery or take your clothes off with strangers (unless, of course, the strangers are really hot).

Now that we have that out of the way, I will confess that I have a bad habit. I enjoy the occasional cocktail or craft beer or glass or twelve of wine.

That's not actually the bad habit. The bad habit is that these alcoholic beverages fill me with the intense desire to shop. At the time these shopping endeavors occur, I sincerely believe I need whatever it is I'm purchasing. It's not until later – sometimes weeks later when an unexpected package arrives on my doorstep – that I find myself wondering why I urgently needed three pounds of nutmeg.

Or a pair of shoes one size too small.

Or lesbian porn on VHS.

Or a painting that cost four times its price to ship from Australia.

Or 16 pairs of underwear.

The latter earned me merciless teasing from a friend who has no room to talk. She once ordered 60 Durex Play Vibrations by mistake from Amazon. Guess what we all got for Christmas that year?

So two days ago, I got a text message from a friend's husband.

You owe me $25 for the guitar. Let me know if you want a soft case for an extra $10.

I stared at the message for a minute, expecting a follow-up apologizing for sending it to the wrong person.

Then, a hazy memory crept in. It involved a particularly strong round of bloody marys and a friend of a friend who works for a guitar factory. I texted back uncertainly.
I bought a guitar?
Indeed, I had. And since said guitar is considered a factory second, I'm not allowed to sell it.

I should note here that I don't play guitar. I don't play any instrument or possess even an ounce of musical talent.

My friend's husband texted back.
At least it's not 16 pairs of underwear.

Good point. Lucky for me, my gentleman friend does play guitar, and was delighted with the new purchase. Of course, it's possible he would have preferred the underwear.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever purchased by mistake? It doesn't have to be a drunk purchase, though it might make me feel better if you can assure me I'm not the only person who does this. Please?


Unknown said...

Wish I could comfort you with some bad buy of my own, but usually I just regret things I didn't buy.

However, my mom is an expert at giving me things that make me go "huh?". For example - a guitar. I'm tone deaf (which my family often reminds me) so can impossibly tune a guitar. Also, a huge, ancient dictaphone with a cord (I wanted one to bring on the bus). And a blouse one size too big because it was cute and she couldn't find a smaller size (though, it IS very cute).

And I need some underwear. Care to ship some over? And the lesbian porn, please. I can pay in Swedish chocolate.

Patrick Alan said...

SIGH! Thank you for confusing Amazon. My 'recent viewing history' is really going to screw up their algorithm now.

Have you seen this?

R.L. Naquin said...

Tawna, I can relate. I'm no longer allowed near the computer when I've been drinking.

One night, my husband and I had a few drinks while watching TV. Okay, several drinks. A commercial came on for a bobblehead of the guy on the show Monk. They had pictures of all the places people were taking their Monk bobblehead, shooting photos of it like he was a tourist.

This sounded like an AWESOME idea! We would take him everywhere with us! Giggling, we logged on and made the purchase, then forgot about it.

Imagine our surprise when it showed up a week later. It's important to note here that we don't even watch Monk.

Fortunately, my dad is a big fan. He has it proudly displayed and thinks it was a terribly thoughtful gift.


Cara Alwill Leyba said...

I become OBSESSED with QVC (even moreso than I am now) snuggies, tan towelettes, even is a dangerous (yet amazing) drug!

Patty Blount said...

Oh, jeez, this one's embarrassing.

One of my closest friends found herself surprised by pregnancy (we're in our forties, so yeah, SURPRISE! doesn't even begin to cover it.) Her three older kids were well past infancy, so she had to begin all over again with the car seats, strollers, etc.

I still have my sons' baby carriage. This is no portable stroller. It's the old fashioned kind with big wheels and springs. There is a pram and separate stroller attachment to fit on the wheel base. I'd been meaning to sell the thing for years and never got around to it. My friend adored this carriage, so I decided to clean it up and give it to her.

I had to find a new mattress for the pram, sheets to fit the mattress (ordered them from the UK). The one thing I couldn't find anywhere was a safety harness to strap the baby securely to the frame.

Ever do a google search on 'harnesses'?

Oh, boy. My eyes!

I eventually found and bought a harness but no one has ever been able to figure out how to use the darn thing.

The carriage still sits in my basement.

Anybody want it??

Laina said...

I don't drink but I have some issues with Sudafed... I'll look back the next day and not remember a THING. So the computer/internet goes off.

Kimberly Sabatini said...

Bwaaahhhh I jumped right in to reading this blog post (without even seeing who wrote it--I get a lot of my blogs on my email) because it captured my attention. LOL! The further I got the more I was laughing and then I had an ahhh ha moment!!! OMG!!! I have to introduce this blogger to Tawana!!! She would love...oh, wait. It's Tawna. *head thunk*

Hilarious post!