Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Why you don't want to grocery shop with me

Dirty innuendos are everywhere if you look hard enough.

I said "hard enough."

See how the game is played? We've done it a few times here on the blog under the tagline garage porn, though it's safe to say you can do it in department stores or bathroom cupboards just about anywhere the mood strikes.

I said "do it."

On that note, I'll share a few gems from a recent trip to the grocery store...

 

Nut crunch? Ouch. I actually stood on this aisle for awhile to see if any men walking past would grimace. No one did. Clearly, people should pay more attention when grocery shopping.

 
There were several things on the pet food aisle with significant ick-factor, but Moist & Meaty was my favorite. I'm pretty sure there's an email in my spam folder advertising a video by that same name.


You would think the aisle with all the baby products would be relatively innocent. You would be mistaken. The idea of orthodontic nipples makes me wonder if those braces I had in middle school might have performed better if they'd been applied someplace other than my teeth.


Somehow, we always circle back to the home improvement aisle, don't we? That's where all the good three-ways are.



Unsurprisingly, the large screws aren't terribly far from the three-way. I should also note that the small nails were located nearby.
 
I'm going to go ahead and leave it up to you guys to speculate whether this product is a male invention, since the solution for a quick start is labeled "thrust" instead of  "mood music" or "gentle foreplay."

Seen anything at the grocery store lately that tickled your fancy? Please share! I'm going to go stand by the Nut Crunch again to see if some at least cracks a smile. It can't just be me, can it?

15 comments :

funny in the 'hood said...

The kids and I saw something at the store the other day called Poppycock. It was popcorn mixed with toffee and nuts. They couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard. When we were all eating it later, my husband and I kept handing the box to each other and saying, "Would you like some more...poppycock?" Our kids were like, "What's so funny?"

Tracey

Matthew MacNish said...

You are so (awesomely) messed up.

Skye said...

Reading your blog is kick-starting my own dirty mind, which took a really loooong sabbatical. Thank you.

Yes, I wonder why more people don't laugh about this stuff. It's awesome.

KarenB said...

Jeez. Now people are going to look at me all weird-like as I walk the aisles of the grocery story today snickering away like a lunatic. Well, at least I'll have fun!

Delia said...

The Nut Crunch ones are good, but I prefer the Sweet & Salty Nut ones. We have a grocery store near us that has its various contents lettered on the outside of the building, presumably to entice one to come in (or maybe they don't think we know what's in a grocery store, I don't know). There are things like Fresh Produce, Fresh Seafood, and Flavorful Meat. *snort*

Sarah Allen said...

Hee hee :) It's not often I come across someone with an even dirtier mind then mine. Well done, well done!

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Julie Glover said...

I can't get over the fact that the brand for the Large Screws is Helping Hand.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

You should have a warning on the blog: Not Class Appropriate if Your Class Requires You To Not Burst Out Laughing in the Middle of Environmental Sciences. :)

Sierra Godfrey said...

Tawna, I'm guessing shopping with you ANYWHERE is fun. Nice work, lady. :)

M.J. Fifield said...

Oh, this post is too funny. My brother is a champion at this game. It always makes for hysterical gatherings and BOY, is my mother proud...

Lynne Kelly said...

Yes, I always giggle at this soup mix: http://www.yfrog.com/j0s7wyj

McKay Fenske said...

Grocery Outlet sent a flyer offering a free 1 lb chub! I kept it because it was too funny to throw away

Mary Kate Leahy said...

the last one is hysterical ! I was giggling out loud. Today I was typing an email to a client in which I used the phrase "Pandora's Box" and I thought to myself, Pandora's Box sounds like a great Greek porno. So I switched it to can of worms to not be dirty.

Linda G. said...

LOL! It must be hard not to giggle the whole time when shopping with you.

middle child said...

K. This is me normally anyway. Now imagine me with a couple drinks in me!!!!