I just had another weekend like that, so I thought I’d offer up a new volume of valuable and profound life lessons. For that matter, I think I’ll make this a regular feature and invite all of you to play along at home. Please share your own weekend lessons in the comments section.
Here are mine:
* Licking the blade on your food processor is a good way to cut your tongue. If you’re making homemade blueberry cobbler, it’s totally worth it.
* A 14-year-old male dog who is deaf, mostly blind, arthritic, and suffering from a vestibular disorder and a torn ligament in his knee, will still consider himself capable of defending a young female dog from the flirtations of another male.
* The young female is likely to thank him by knocking him off the porch and chewing his ear.
* It is impossible to conduct research for book set in a vineyard without having a glass of wine.
* If you sit in the sun with the aforementioned glass of wine resting between your legs at precisely the right angle, you will burn a hole in your thigh.
* If you’ve already had more than one glass of wine, you won’t actually realize why your leg is burning and will continue to sit there with the @#$% wine glass between your thighs until your pants begin to smoke.
Last but not least, for those of you following the continued capers of my thieving feline, here’s a rundown of what Matt the Cat stole from the neighborhood this weekend:
1) A disintegrated roll of toilet paper
2) A filthy mousepad bearing photos of puppies
3) The crumpled classified ads from the local paper, perhaps suggesting Matt is seeking gainful employment
4) A foam dart from the neighbor kid’s toy gun
5) A leather glove
See photographic evidence below (and don't forget to share your weekend lessons in the comments section!)
9 comments :
My weekend lesson: No one appreciates profanity coming from a female mouth, especially not men, no matter how much they swear. As a result, I now keep 99.9% of my rude remarks to myself. My brain is FILTHY.
Things I learned this weekend:
- if a child goes to sleep with his head under his pillow, don't try to fix it for a couple hours or he'll just keep waking up.
- when I look at the "prep time" on a recipe, I should double it. Probably triple it if I don't want to feel like a failure.
- I love not wearing a coat to go outside.
Great post.
-Liz
So, do we get to call you Hot Pants now? ;)
Let's see, what did I learn this weekend?
1. You CAN apparently eat too many Skittles when deeply involved in a difficult scene.
2. The chocolate Midgees in the blue wrappers (for Easter) are not as good as the ones in the brown wrappers. (Though I admit this may be psychological.)
3. My son's new gf is adorable, even if she can't stand pickles. (I'm trying not to hold this discovery against her.)
Lessons:
If you turn on the stove to boil water for tea, don't go into the bedroom for an hour and forget about it. The house smells like a bonfire.
If you take your daughter to the park when the snow's melting and it's muddy, don't take her in her whitest shoes. Yo knew where you were going.
If you're sitting at the computer and typing a comment to a blog post and you hear strange noises in the kitchen, maybe you should check on said daughter instead of continue typing this. And still typing.
Sierra, hey, I appreciate profanity! You can curse all you like here :)
Liz, what were you cooking? Go ahead an triple the ingredients as well as the time. I'm hungry!
Linda G, how does your son's new girlfriend feel about Skittles and Midgees? That could be a deal-breaker.
Candyland, I'm glad you didn't burn down your house (and I'm betting your daughter is glad she got to play in the mud -- that's fun stuff!)
Tawna
Looks like your cat has a secret thing for dogs. Scandalous. ;)
It's nice to know that some things stay the same, (Matt's thievery). After all, he has a reputation to keep. His antics were made famous when he was the subject of a news article, a year or so ago.
As far as what I've learned; if you run over a fire hydrant, water sprays up in the air about 30-40 feet. I'd guess that's also a lesson on not drinking and driving, but that was only my observation.
LR, it's not such a secret thing. He's sitting here chewing on a real dog's ear right this moment. Dog isn't so happy about it.
Dixie & David, er, you may want to clarify that YOU were not the ones who backed over a fire hydrant while drinking and driving. (I swear, everyone, my parents aren't irresponsible drunks. That's just me).
Tawna
Oh MY GOODNESS!!! No, we weren't the ones who ran over the fire hydrant, but it did provide us some afternoon entertainment, when we observed a gentleman who did just that. In fact, he didn't just ''back over'' the fire hydrant, he was rounding a corner, I'm guessing not knowing that he was under the influence, when he hit the thing, going about 30mph. Once he hit the hydrant, he over corrected and went across the lane and slammed into a bridge. When we could see that no one was injured, the entire scene provided some lunch-time entertainment, as we enjoyed our food and waited about a half hour before someone arrived and turned the water show off. The entire center of town was flooded by that time. That's why I can add this to something I learned over the weekend. :)
Don't drink and drive.
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