Yesterday, I updated my résumé.
(Sorry if I ruined your fantasy of authors becoming magically wealthy upon inking a book deal – alas, ‘tis not the case, but that’s an entirely different blog topic. Go here for an interesting article by Sabrina Jeffries on the subject).
But instead of talking about money, I’m talking about skills I take pride in, yet never put on my résumé. Sleeping around is one of them.
I can fall asleep anytime, anywhere, in a matter of seconds. I don’t need darkness or silence. I don’t need a bed. I don’t even need to be reclined.
Pythagoras has long envied me in this, as he struggles with regular bouts of insomnia. He once had a narcoleptic girlfriend (a medical condition that causes people to fall asleep at random, and a word I always confuse with necrophilia, which is an erotic attraction to corpses – not quite the same thing).
I don’t suffer from narcolepsy or necrophilia, but I am capable of falling asleep in some of the most challenging situations. When I was younger, friends liked to drag me to parties. I’m not a very social person, so I was usually tired and bored within an hour. Since my friends were just getting warmed up at this point, my best solution was to find a nice place to curl up and sleep until they came to retrieve me.
They once found me fast asleep in front of a speaker blasting heavy metal music. Another time I conked out sitting upright on a sofa in the middle of a conversation with eight other people.
(Surprisingly, alcohol played no factor here – I rarely drank in my 20s).
There are a few drawbacks to my skill at sleeping around. I have a habit of nodding off in meetings, and often resort to removing an earring and stabbing the back of my hand repeatedly to stay awake. If you’re ever in a meeting with me, you can judge how dull I find it by how many holes are in my hands when it’s over.
Even so, I’m proud of the fact that I never have to count sheep or drink warm milk or stand on my head and yodel in hopes of putting myself in a more relaxed state.
Do you have any unique talents that don’t get included on your résumé but still make you swell with pride? Do share, I’m always looking to expand my skill-set.
Sometimes, a girl's gotta do more than sleep around.