Today I'm going to remove the doorknobs in my house.
No, that's not something I routinely do for my own amusement. It's also not some sort of bizarre sex ritual (though I'd like to pause for a moment and envision how that might work).
I've never locked the doors to my house. Truth be told, I don't even own a key. While my town doesn't have a particularly high crime rate, my laziness about locking is still probably dumb.
It's a bad habit I developed while living in Montana where I not only never locked the doors to my house, but also routinely left the car keys in the ignition. That came in handy when I prepared to leave the state and move home to Oregon. I lived in the middle of nowhere with the nearest town an hour away, so I placed an ad in the paper advertising the car for sale.
"It gets great gas mileage and does really well in the snow," I'd tell people who called.
"Great! I'd like to see it and maybe take it for a test drive."
"Well, I'm out in Polaris," I'd explain, "but the car is in the grocery store parking lot in Dillon. The keys are in it, so go ahead and take it for a spin and call me back if you want to buy it."
Not only did no one find this odd, I had at least six people drive it and never once worried about it being stolen. Things might have been different if it had been a Porche instead of a rusted Honda, but still.
Alas, I'm no longer in Montana. I know my laziness about personal security isn't such a good idea anymore, so that's why I'm removing my doorknobs. I have a drawer filled with 37 random keys, and none of them seem to go to any of the doors in this house. My friendly Home Depot associate (who seemed delighted to spend 20 minutes talking about my knobs) suggested my cheapest option would be taking them to a local lock shop and having them all set to a single key.
Seems simple enough, though I suspect he doesn't realize I'm too lazy to hunt for a screwdriver and will probably end up attempting the task with a butter knife.
Are you a stickler for locked doors and personal security, or do you have my lax habits? Please share. And keep in mind that if you want to break into my house, you're going to need to do it in the next hour or so. After that, I'll be standing smugly behind my locked doors with a butter knife in hand.