Stick it in, stroke it hard, paddle me

On the big list of cool things I get to do for my day job, taking a standup paddleboarding lesson yesterday was pretty high up there.

Not just because the sport itself was fun, but because I’ve truly never found an activity so ripe with double entendres.

I was holding back giggles from the very start when my instructors began explaining strategies for mounting the board (a process that involved getting down on my hands and knees).

It was actually a good thing I was down there, since many of their subsequent instructions had me rolling on the ground in laughter.

For the record, these guys were 110% professional. I truly don’t think they realized most of the stuff they were saying could be twisted around by a dirty-minded romance author.

Here are just a few gems from the afternoon’s lesson...

On sizing my paddle: You need a good eight inches here.

On learning to move the board through the water: Stroke it hard at first – you want to really stick it in there.

When my board got a little tipsy: Did you bring a change of clothes in case you get wet?

As one of the instructors and I began to collide: We’re gonna bang rails. Hang on, I’ll get us off.

One instructor to the other on how he likes his new paddle: It’s great! I love how stiff it is.

Expressing concern the water was too shallow for getting on the board: You need to get it deeper when you mount.

Upon spotting a trout upriver: That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.

On techniques for maneuvering through a section of swift current: Sometimes you paddle and paddle and paddle and then you just ride it.

Honestly, there were at least a dozen other phrases that struck me as hysterical, but I didn’t have a notepad with me out there on the water. At one point, I sprinted back to my car to make a note of some of those gems on my iPhone. The instructor followed shortly behind me, along with a mutual professional acquaintance we’d run into on the river. The instructor knew I was within earshot, but the mutual acquaintance did not.

This is all setup for the following dialogue I overheard...

Mutual professional acquaintance: The girl you’re teaching? She’s just great. Really wonderful person.

Instructor: Yeah?

Mutual professional acquaintance: Super smart, really funny, very sweet, and great tits.

Mumbling ensued…I assume this is when the instructor suggested I might be close by. Then there was a lot of uncomfortable silence.

I emerged from my car, figuring I’d better put them out of their misery.

Me: Sorry to keep you waiting, I was just jotting down all the filthy comments you guys have been making unintentionally.

Long silence.

Mutual professional acquaintance: Did you…um…happen to hear my comment just now?

Me: Of course. Don’t worry, I’m not offended. I do have great tits.

OK, so it wasn’t a double entendre. There’s a time for wordplay and a time to just be blunt. I don’t always get it right, but based on their expressions right then, I think I got it right that time.