Thursday, June 9, 2011

Stick it in, stroke it hard, paddle me

On the big list of cool things I get to do for my day job, taking a standup paddleboarding lesson yesterday was pretty high up there.

Not just because the sport itself was fun, but because I’ve truly never found an activity so ripe with double entendres.

I was holding back giggles from the very start when my instructors began explaining strategies for mounting the board (a process that involved getting down on my hands and knees).

It was actually a good thing I was down there, since many of their subsequent instructions had me rolling on the ground in laughter.

For the record, these guys were 110% professional. I truly don’t think they realized most of the stuff they were saying could be twisted around by a dirty-minded romance author.

Here are just a few gems from the afternoon’s lesson...

On sizing my paddle: You need a good eight inches here.

On learning to move the board through the water: Stroke it hard at first – you want to really stick it in there.

When my board got a little tipsy: Did you bring a change of clothes in case you get wet?

As one of the instructors and I began to collide: We’re gonna bang rails. Hang on, I’ll get us off.

One instructor to the other on how he likes his new paddle: It’s great! I love how stiff it is.

Expressing concern the water was too shallow for getting on the board: You need to get it deeper when you mount.

Upon spotting a trout upriver: That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.

On techniques for maneuvering through a section of swift current: Sometimes you paddle and paddle and paddle and then you just ride it.

Honestly, there were at least a dozen other phrases that struck me as hysterical, but I didn’t have a notepad with me out there on the water. At one point, I sprinted back to my car to make a note of some of those gems on my iPhone. The instructor followed shortly behind me, along with a mutual professional acquaintance we’d run into on the river. The instructor knew I was within earshot, but the mutual acquaintance did not.

This is all setup for the following dialogue I overheard...

Mutual professional acquaintance: The girl you’re teaching? She’s just great. Really wonderful person.

Instructor: Yeah?

Mutual professional acquaintance: Super smart, really funny, very sweet, and great tits.

Mumbling ensued…I assume this is when the instructor suggested I might be close by. Then there was a lot of uncomfortable silence.

I emerged from my car, figuring I’d better put them out of their misery.

Me: Sorry to keep you waiting, I was just jotting down all the filthy comments you guys have been making unintentionally.

Long silence.

Mutual professional acquaintance: Did you…um…happen to hear my comment just now?

Me: Of course. Don’t worry, I’m not offended. I do have great tits.

OK, so it wasn’t a double entendre. There’s a time for wordplay and a time to just be blunt. I don’t always get it right, but based on their expressions right then, I think I got it right that time.

27 comments :

Linda G. said...

LOL! Man, you have the best jobs in the world! Both of them.

Sarah W said...

Paddle on, lady. You rock.

Charissa Weaks said...

I think you might have made their day! Too funny. Now if only they knew to look up this blog today. :)

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Looking at life through your POV makes it funnier ... and sexier.

Teri Anne Stanley said...

I just keep thinking, "How nice that guy said you had great tits. They usually say I have a great personality."

Patrick Alan said...

It is a great tits kind of day, isn't it.

Shakespeare said...

That could make a great romance novel! Wow! You come up on this stuff without even trying.

Truly amazing. I'm in awe (and laughing).

Matthew MacNish said...

That activity looks really dangerous.

And I think you had the perfect reaction to that situation. You probably deflated all the tension instantly when you just took it in stride. It must have been hard.

lynnrush said...

OH my gosh. I'm laughing out loud here. My dog's looking it me like I've lost my mind. This is awesome.

K.B. Owen said...

My ten-yr-old son couldn't figure out what I was laughing so hard about. I wasn't about to tell him, either.

Thanks for starting my day off right!

Penelope said...

I agree with Linda - your jobs are awesome!

I was just looking into some paddleboarding. It seems hard, but fun, and I always love a good ride!

Piper Bayard said...

What a hoot! I would have loved to see the look on their faces. Thanks for the morning smile. I always enjoy your tweets, too. All the best.

Gabriela Lessa said...

Wow. Not only you have great tits, you know how to get the job done, even if it's really stiff!

Life really must be hilarious from your POV....

Pamala Knight said...

Tawna, don't ever change! LOL!! I love how I can always count on you for a smile.

Harley May said...

THAT. Is awesome. Poor co-worker. I'd be mortified.

Danica Avet said...

LOL, love it!!!

Sonia G Medeiros said...

So glad i wasn't drinking my coffee when I read this. I'd have to buy a new computer. ROFLOL.

trainee writer said...

fantastic lol and congratulations on having great tits. I have boob envy now.

Fel said...

This was awesome! Thanks!

Laura Maylene said...

I love how you totally owned it!

I think I'd actually get on one of those paddle things and risk capsizing just to see the look on their faces after you said that.

Kerrie said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed it.

ashelynn hetland said...

hahaha! Love this post. Bookmarking it so when I need a laugh, I can read this one again!

Dean K Miller said...

I like how you roll, or stroke, or paddle....whatever!

Danielle Spears said...

I would have loved to have seen those expressions. Priceless. Despite it's crudeness, that's a great compliment! You're gonna call him, right? Are you even looking or is it just way too early for that with the divorce thing? Please make that one of your future blog posts. Inquiring (and nosey) minds need to know.

Liz Hayes said...

That was your opportunity to use the line, "They're real and they're spectacular!"

Maybe as gals we're not supposed to condone such comments, but hey, a compliment is a compliment, right?! Congrats to you... and the girls ;)

Therese said...

I have considered learning this sport, now that I know it requires deep mounts, hard strokes, and a good stiff eight inches, with the potential to bang rails, I'm sure this is the sport for me.

Oh yeah, great tits. :D

Claire Dawn said...

With a dirty mind, you can change anything. Ever had a day where you start to think that way and the rest of the day goes downhill.