Thursday, May 17, 2012

Why I shouldn’t be allowed to eat in public

A couple weeks ago, I had a crazy afternoon at the day job. I opted to eat lunch at my desk, and in the interest of shielding my boobs from spaghetti stains, tucked a napkin in the front of my blouse.

Naturally, that’s when the CEO walked past. He stood in the doorway and stared at my sauce-stained, makeshift bib and the noodle hanging from the side of my mouth.

“I want a picture of that.”

Lucky for him, I embarrass myself with food often enough to make photographic evidence unnecessary. Hang around and you’re bound to witness something.

Just last month, one of the housemates walked into my writing office to discover me with my hand in my bra.

“I dropped a Cheerio,” I explained. “I’m trying to fish it out.”

He shook his head. “Whatever you say.”

The most recent example of my social ineptitude with food happened Monday night at a Little League game. While my gentleman friend’s offspring made the rounds on the ball field, he and I munched sandwiches from a nearby deli.

“Want a bite of my pickle?” he asked.

“Are you talking dirty again?”

He laughed and thrust his pickle – the green kind – in front of my face. I shook my head, not particularly interested, but my gentleman friend insisted.

“It’s really good,” he said, wagging the pickle.

As if to illustrate its juicy goodness, the pickle dribbled a healthy portion of brine down the front of my v-neck shirt.

I reacted like any normal woman would (assuming that normal woman has no sense of taste or decorum). I smashed my boobs together to halt the flow of fluid, curled my tongue into a straw, and slurped the pickle juice from my cleavage.

My gentleman friend blinked in disbelief. “You did not just do that.”

“I did,” I confirmed, glancing around to be sure the parents and players were fixated on the game instead of my pornographic display.

“You licked pickle juice off your boobs at a Little League game.”

“Isn’t that better than if you licked pickle juice off my boobs at a Little League game?”

“Good point,” he agreed, and turned back to the ball field.

So this is why I probably shouldn’t eat in public. Or why I should just start going topless so I never have to worry about lost food and stained shirts.


Malin said...

Good god, I hope you'll add that scene to one of your stories.

Patrick Alan said...

I've always thought there would be laws about me raising children. I think they should probably apply those same laws to you.

Mary said...

Fabulous. Boobs really are helpful for catching those little bits of runaway food, aren't they? Too bad the shirt covering them also manages to catch things. This is why I can't wear white. Ever.

Sarah Allen said...

It takes a lot for a blog to make me literally laugh out loud, but yours does consistently. You are so freaking hilarious :)

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Laina said...

I once dropped an ice cube down my shirt in a restaurant. I've also managed to get soy sauce stains on my bra. And SO many crumbs it isn't even funny. Sometimes there's a noise when I take my bra off at night. Garlic bread or toast crumbs are the worst because they ITCH.

Matthew MacNish said...

Flying droplets of tomato sauce are exactly why you stick to small noodles when preparing meals for the workplace. Penne, Ziti, Rigantoni, Cavatappi ...

You see what I did there? Small noodles?

Anonymous said...

You always make me laugh! Just finished Believe It or Not and laughed through it too!

Karen Lawson

Jess Corra said...

I'm so anal retentive I don't have this problem. I cut my food in a grid pattern and such. >.>

BUT! I'm not allowed to read in public because I get so very into it and make noises and such. Which is where I thought you were going with this post, lol. :)

Taymalin said...

If you and I ever ate together it would be like looking into a slightly sloppy mirror. My boobs catch everything.

MMMSecret said...

I've definitely done similar things myself... without the little league. Lol.

MMMSecret said...

I've definitely done similar things myself... without the little league. Lol.

Meredith said...

Just how long is your tongue?

Julie Glover said...

Why don't you come to MY son's little league games? I could use a relaxed gal like you to hang with. I feel a little out of place at times, like I'm going to utter something too sarcastic or make a fool of myself.

By the way, baseball terms are full of double-entendre opportunities.

grace said...

Thank you for a much-needed laugh today. I should just come read your blog when I'm cranky. :)

mary i said...

I should never be drinking coffee and reading you at the same time... LOL!!Thank you for starting my day out with a belly laugh... :)

Rhonda Hopkins said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! :-)

Anonymous said...

OMG, this had me laughing hysterically. Brilliant!

Jan said...

:-)... I wouldn't eat in public too, I never did anyway... ;-)