Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A world of pleasure on the aisles of Home Depot

I don’t know for certain if there’s a heaven. I’m not sure there’s a hell, either, but if there is, I have a pretty good idea what it looks like.

The closest Pythagoras and I have come to divorce court is on the aisles of Home Depot. We’ve built two homes together in almost 13 years of marriage. When I say “built” I don’t mean we sat back and ate bon-bons while watching someone else sling a hammer. I mean we pulled all-nighters hanging drywall, bloodied our knees grouting floors, and bickered so passionately over light fixtures that a Home Depot associate once summoned security.

You may understand then why Home Depot is not a cheerful place for me. When Pythagoras told me in the middle of errand running on Sunday that he needed to stop there for a sprinkler head, I seriously considered leaping from the car in the middle of the freeway.

Little did I know what a treasure trove of delight awaited me on the plumbing aisle.

Behold, the latest installment of Garage Porn:
Um, ouch.
I don't know what this is, but why do I feel like I ought to have two or three of them stashed in the drawer of my nightstand?
Is this anything like those "minimizer bras" everyone keeps telling me I should try?
Pythagoras did not like the sound of this one bit.
He wasn't overly fond of this one, either.
How do you feel about home improvement stores? Do you hate them as much as I do, or does your outlook improve just knowing these delightful items can be found there?

Please share. I have to figure out how to use one of those universal nut lock couplings. Do you think I need a special license?


Matthew MacNish said...

I have a buddy who manages a department at the local Home Depot. I can't remember which dept for the life of me, but I also don't really care. Here's his home depot story for you:

A little old lady, obviously senile, once moved her bowels into the toilet at the store. Nothing crazy about that, right? No, unless you consider that she did this into the display toilet, not the actual rest room.

Obviously those toilets don't have actual plumbing: no water, no flushing. They had to call Hazmat to clean it up. Apparently that costs about $2500. Still, well worth it if you ask me.

Anne Gallagher said...

I love the home improvement stores because as a single female the man/woman ration is 70 - 1.

On the other hand, I too, have built houses with my father and I don't need some snot nosed little BOY telling me what joint compound to use and making me feel like I don't know what I'm talking about.

As for the universal lock coupling, you don't need a license, just remember to keep the water off when you put it on.

Danica Avet said...

I'm not fond of them at all. I guess because growing up we spent most of our time at a local hardware store buying wallpaper or tubs or lumber. Now that I'm older, the minute I walk into Lowes or Home Depot, I start feeling sick to my stomach and look around wildly for the exits (which I can never find once I'm in the back of the store).

Linda G. said...


Philosophical question: If these products are on the hardware store shelf, and Tawna Fenske isn't there to look at them, are they still dirty?

I am ambivalent about hardware stores. I think I may enjoy them more, though, now that I know it's all about looking for the right packages. ;)

Claire Dawn said...

you can find double entendre everywhere! And you even managed to find a job where that looks good on your resume! :)

Sarah W said...

Hardware stores are second only to office supply stores in my list of favorite places to drop half my salary.

Thanks to you, though, I may never look at the screw and nail aisle the same way again . . .

Summer Frey said...

My husband and I always find things to snicker at in Lowes. I used to hate Lowes as a kid, because when my parents were building our house, we were always dragged along and in the store for hours on end. Nothing much to entertain a kid, let me tell ya. It wasn't until I was married and we thought we might be remodeling a house we wanted to buy that the hardware store became more interesting. :)

But I know what you mean--if anything were to ever cause us a divorce, it's going to be something that comes from a hardware store.

CKHB said...

My daughter recently asked me "what's THAT?" while I was rummaging around in the toilet tank, trying to stop it from endlessly running after a flush.

"That's the ballcock," I said. "Do me a favor and don't learn that one yet."


German Chocolate Betty said...

Oooooooh, I love home improvement stores. As a matter of fact, wherever I travel in the world there are two places I love to poke around: supermarkets (bizarrely enough, the strangest variants to be found at supermarkets are the soft drinks!!!), and 2) home improvement stores. House construction varies more than you would believe. For example, in Europe, because you don't have central heating, you don't have airducts, ergo no duct tape (how can you live without that???). Recently (thank heavens!) someone started marketing duct tape under another moniker (like "super tape" or some such, I've now forgotten since I've stocked up, haha), so I feel good again. Oh, yeah, and single-sided razors blades can only be found by the kitchen stuff, as replacements for the porcelain cooktop scrapers... That's 'cause there are no built-in mopboards in newer homes, you glue on plastic ones OVER the wallpaper (or, in the case of our home, they put a strip of your wall-to-wall carpeting or laminate in a long plastic strip and attach that as a mopboard...).

And then in Japan you find those weird crouching toilets that look like urinals in the floor...yes, also for the ladies. (And, of course, to be really correct, you need to have the little "music box" that starts to play when you close the door to cover the sound of your tinkling...!) You get the most profound look into people's homes by wandering through the local equivalent of Home Depot. What a trip!!!


Brandi Guthrie said...

I stick to the gardening section. Everything else intimidates me and brings up bad memories of uncompleted projects.

lora96 said...

I hate the home improvement stores. If I *have* to go in one I find that the merchandise is often organized according to some rationale I can't comprehend so I have to ask directions and some well-meaning employee hitches his pants up and calls me "sweetie" and then argues with me about what I need.
What i need is NEVER to go back there. :)

Noelle Pierce said...

I love home improvement stores, but that is mainly because my hubby and I don't fight over anything in them (except maybe the cost of items). He is not the handy type at all. I have power tools (all brought into the home by me, prior to marriage) and I'm not afraid to use them. For the heavier-duty things, like hanging drywall or unclogging a toilet in which one of the Toddlers (respectively referred to as Things 1 & 2 for a reason) has dropped a plastic toy, I will call in outside help.
My hubby has long since given up pretending he has the Mr. Fix-It gene. He makes up for it by writing me poetry while I put together his latest office desk. *grin*

Anonymous said...

Too funny!!!! Leave it to you to start my day with a great laugh.

I hate Home Depot and go to Lowes. Lowes honors soldiers and their families by giving us a military discount--whoo hoo! They also have awesome people. Home Depot (at least here in TX) doesn't seem to have a very knowledgeable staff and the ones in my town are pretty unfriendly and seem bothered that I am asking them to work.

Thanks for the laugh!

Kristen Lamb

Christopher said...

Home improvement stores are my little window into home and life improvement. Entering even the tiniest of stores comes the knowledge that I will find out another way to make my family's life better, that I will learn something new and I can make a difference... in my own, tiny little way. I love home improvement stores.


And tools. Oh, for all the love of all things good... great tools kick some serious hiney.

Jennifer X said...

I actually love hardware stores. They smell awesome with all the wood, and I love seeing what I can use unintentionally to fix a problem. I've been giggling at names of things in Home Depot since I was a little kid. Glad I'm not the only one to see the humor.

Colene Murphy said...

Great. Now I'm THAT GUY laughing in the middle of an office of people at things no one but me can see...
Awesome way to make Home Depot fun!

KTRichie said...

I like hardware stores. The exception is the Lowe's store where I used to work. I hate that place.

I wonder if the people who work around this stuff all day get desensitized. I'm sure they try to remain professional, but we're all thinking the same thing.

The Novel Road said...

Lowes, Home Depot, Ace, True Value...these are sacred places. If men were able to do all their Christmas shopping at one of these truly holy sites, all would be right in their world.

I think the problem is... women don't like the lumber carts. Piled high, plywood filling one side, bags of concrete on the deck, sixteen foot 2 by sixes hanging over each end... They are hard to park.

Women should take notice of a man's face as he heaves his cart down the isle and passes by another cart pushed by another wild eyed happy man. Notice the quick glances the two men exchange... At their carts. Knowing nods of approval at how much each of us can pile on and still get them to move or turn a corner.

If your hubby or boyfriend is ever miffed with you, or you want something you know he won't like. Take him to Lowes and say "Honey, could you see if there are any "deals" in the POWER TOOLS section. Watch how we feign, for just a moment, reluctance to leave your side, then strain a hamstring so we can stare at Roto-Hammers.

Ah! The smell of pressure board and PVC in the morning...

Nicole Zoltack said...

Your pics are always awesome. :)

I don't care for the Home Depot. Maybe I would if I had money to actually make improvements to the house, maybe then I might. But I imagine that hubby and I would definitely argue over different elements so maybe it's just as well.

Kadi Easley said...

I love hardware stores and tools. Almost as much as I love office supply stores. A gift certificate to either would be the best Christmas present ever.

And Tawna, I have always thought plumbing parts had the best names. I mean who doesn't need a female to male connector from time to time?

Dr. Goose said...

They scare me but for all the right/wrong reasons.

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demery said...

Funny you should say that the closest you've come to divorce is in the Home Depot aisle... US TOO!! Or really, after the Home Depot aisle - over a bucket of "mud" and a pile of ceramic tiles waiting to go on the floor. Ah, the memories. We pay people now. Stuff gets done a lot slower b/c we have to save up $$ -- but it's been a marriage saver :) Your naughty pictures are like a patronus, chasing the Home Depot dementors away. Thanks!


Matthew, that is so very, very disturbing. Thank you for sharing.

Anne, keep the water off while I...wait, is that a euphemism? :)

Danica, I once fell asleep at Home Depot. We'd been there so long, and the floor was nice and cool.

Linda G, this is a very deep and profound question. You've given me something to ponder today.

Claire Dawn, gimme a second, I'll try to find the double entendre in your comment.

Sarah, I could spend hours on the screw and nail aisle. Wait, what were we talking about?

Summer, you never realize how many @#$% decisions go into home ownership until you're faced with them, do you?!

CKHB, hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

German Chocolate Betty, too funny, my husband was fascinated by the exact same things when we were in Europe the first time! Even got someone to take him to a construction site in Germany so he could run around taking pictures.

Brandi, but...but...I can't think of many dirty things in the gardening section. Oh, wait...DIRT!

lora96, I'm totally calling you "sweetie" from now on. And hitching up my pants.

Noelle, I married the ultimate handyman. It's a blessing and a curse.

Kristen, I go back and forth on whether I despise Lowes or Home Depot more. It's not the customer service or selection or anything. It's just that we can't ever get out of there in under an hour.

Christopher, *snicker* yes, there's nothing quite like a really great tool!

Jennifer X, *snicker* you said "wood."

Colene, you'll have to report back if you see anything good!

KTRitchie, an employee actually walked up when I was taking those pictures. "Can I help you find anything?" I gave him my nicest smile and said, "just taking pictures of things that sound dirty." He shook his head and walked away.

Douglas, you and my husband should get together sometime and hang out on the lumber aisle.

Nicole, our house needs to be repainted, but I'm pretending it doesn't just so we don't have to fight about paint colors and wood finishes and how long the process takes and...

KD Easley, too funny, all my photos of those male/female connectors came out fuzzy for some reason!

Dr. Goose, next time, curl up into fetal position on the floor of the hardware store and rock until you feel better

Anonymous, mypornhub? Really? WTF?

Demery, I believe we've had the exact same fight!

Thanks for reading, guys!


Jennifer X said...

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Gina said...

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Saw this on one of the Cheezburger sites and thought of you. :D


Abby Minard said...

Holy crap, I just laughed for like 5 minutes straight. That felt really good. Ha, it's so fun finding stuff like that! But I'm a sucker for those silly things like that. And people falling.

broken biro said...

It's a whole other language. I had this workman who wanted to 'bleed' my radiators - I didn't even know we'd ordered a Halal plumber!