Thursday, February 17, 2011

Writer fantasy #259: Nailing bad guys

One of my best friends owns a designer handbag boutique. Because of her, I sometimes manage to look fashion-savvy instead of like a homeless person carrying my keys and lipstick in a paper bag.

A few weeks ago, her store was robbed by a guy who waltzed in and nabbed her laptop. Several people saw him, and since he has a mohawk in a city where two people sport that particular hairstyle, we’re hopeful he might eventually turn up.

Can I confess something? I’ve fantasized about helping catch him.

In my imaginary scenario, I’m walking down the street when I fall into step behind him. Since my fantasy version of myself knows how to operate my iPhone camera to photograph something besides the inside of my pocket, I snap a covert picture and email it to my friend at her shop.

Then I call her.

“So you know that hot guy we were talking about?” I say in my best wink-wink nudge-nudge tone. “I totally started following him on Twitter.”

Since my friend is also a super spy in this scenario, she instantly decodes my clever message to understand I'm following the bad guy on foot.

“I just got the photo you emailed, that’s totally him!” she shrieks into the phone. “Which way is he going?”

“Well get this – he’s all ‘let’s meet up for dinner at Soba,’ and I’m like, ‘why don’t we try Summit instead?’ And he goes, ‘I guess that’s cool if you want to grab a drink at Common Table beforehand.’”

See how savvy my imaginary self is, naming the restaurants we're walking past to signal which direction I’m headed?

You'll also notice my imaginary self sounds disturbingly like Paris Hilton.

Our conversation continues as my friend slyly uses three-way calling to phone the police and alert them what’s happening.

The fact that neither of us knows how to use three-way calling in real life and we can’t actually utter the phrase three-way without giggling doesn’t hinder my fantasy.

Eventually, I follow the guy to a dingy bar several blocks away, where he sets up the laptop in a cracked vinyl booth and begins using it to download illegal porn. I signal the cops, who come rushing in and wrestle the guy to the floor. Though he makes a brief escape attempt, I subdue him with my badass kung-fu moves and a bowl of peanuts grabbed off the bar.

I might also be wearing a cape and a pair of really hot stilettos.

Am I the only one who entertains hero fantasies like this? Is it a case of overactive writer's imagination, or just narcissism on my part?

Wait, don't answer that.

But I would look good in that cape, don't you think?


Sarah W said...

You aren't the only one---I think non-writers fantasize about busting the bad guys, too.

I think a tea-length cape might be just the thing with stilettos . . . but you have to wear your glasses, too!

Linda G. said...

I was totally buying the scenario until the cape. Lose that, and you're golden. ;)

But, yeah, I have hero fantasies like that, minus the stilettos. Even in my fantasies those things make my feet hurt.

German Chocolate Betty said... question is, what did you drink before this fantasy, and can I have some too?

Sounds like fun.


Anonymous said...

The cape? Meh. The stilettos? Yes.

Also, that's no way to treat a precious bowl of bar snacks. Shame on you, imaginary Tawna.

Anonymous said...

Stilettos all the way!

Patrick Alan said...

Why does the porn have to be illegal?

This actually happens in my life. Wait. not the wearing of hot stilettos. Um. Well..

Danica Avet said...

Of course we do!! LOL I've been picturing similar scenarios in my head since I was in 3rd grade. Kind of like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. In my imagination, I'm a complete bad ass and could run in 6" heels (when I can barely walk in 2" pumps).

Fun post, Tawna!

Annie McMahon said...

Okay, I'm not supposed to be reading blogs while at work, but your agent made me. I'm glad she did. LOL So funny!! You have a great imagination, combined with wonderful storytelling abilities. *thumbs up*

jen said...


But you need a superhero name to go with the cape and stilettos (which look FAB, BTW!)

The Survival Mama

Following because @WolfsonLiterary said so!! (thank goodness I listened)

Anonymous said...

You would look great in that cape. You might be laughing too loud to catch the bad guy, though.
There are certainly situations in which I fantasize saving the day. Alas, I'm not as powerful as I'd like to be, though.

Anonymous said...

*sigh* No one listens to Edna Mode. "NO CAPES!"

But yes, minus the stilettos (for a Harry Potter release party I wore boots with the tiniest bit of heel and I whimpered when I finally got to take them off--I seriously do not know how women do heels) I envision myself doing things like this all the time.

And I also giggle when saying "three-way".

Nate Wilson said...

I used to have hero fantasies like this back when I was single -- y'know, coming to the rescue of a beautiful woman -- but they always ended with me tripping over my stilettos and the bowl of peanuts getting all the credit.

C.E. Wood said...

At what point did being a narcissistic superhero become a bad thing??

PS. I gave you a shout-out on my blog while you were away on vacation in January. :)

Kerry Schafer said...

Funny as always. Why yes, my brain is constantly full of these kinds of scenarios. Which is one reason I created a character who can actually pull this shit off!

Patty Blount said...

Absolutely! I do this all the time.

Except Imaginary Patty is 40 lbs. lighter and looks HAWT in a black vinyl cat suit.

Can I have your cape?

Taymalin said...

These kinds of fantasies are in my head on a constant basis. It's also how I cope with my fear after watching a scary movie. I imagine kicking the ever loving you-know-what out of the bad guy, in a very heroic fashion.

Tere Kirkland said...

LOL, happens constantly!

Which doesn't explain my lack of imagination when it comes to getting my characters out of trouble. Hmmm....

Fun post!

Bookewyrme said...

Not only have I been fantasizing about such bad-guy-nabbing scenarios, but my first halting attempts at novel-writing as a child featured those sorts of day-dreams. Usually the heroine was a thinly veiled stand-in for what I fondly believed would be my adult self. Don't worry, I've gotten better now, and those fantasies stay in my head these days. :D


abby mumford said...

have you seen THE INCREDIBLES? nothing good happens to superheroes who wear capes. but you can keep the stilettos.

arsenio ball said...

If you think "three-way" is bad, you should re-read your title for this particular post.

A complete accident, I'm sure.

But I think most people fantasize about nailing the bad guy. You know, the one you wouldn't bring home to your mother. (Unless possibly you had my mother, in which case she would say, "Mohawk? Tattoos? I WANT TO MEET HIM." My mom's... a funny lady.)

Anonymous said...

Being a secret agent is fun.

Your story was awesome!
You could have told us it was true! haha

But...when I was younger, I used to always think I was a secret agent.

I stopped about a week ago...

Crystal Posey said...

LOVE this! And no, you're not.

Natascha said...

Maybe a new WIP idea? Sounds awesome!

Kimberly Sabatini said...

You're so not alone LOL! But I'm with Linda-can't walk in those damn things! *grin*

N.M. Martinez said...

LOL! Yes. You would look fabulous in a cape and your glasses.

Oh man, in my imaginary world, I don't think I'm nearly as reasonable as you are.

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Oh, I'm down with the cape AND the stilettos (practice, practice, gals!), but you've got to lose the Paris Hilton gab.

Heather M. Gardner said...

My mind must have been in the gutter before I got here. I thought this was going to be a whole different kind of nailing the bad guy.
Still hilarious!

Amanda Hoving said...

Oh, I have these kinds of fantasies all of the time. Many of them involve me running into celebrities at the mall (? yeah, I know) and then all of us becoming best friends for life.

It totally could happen.

Good luck catching the bad guy!