Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A romance author walks into Home Depot...

You would think the main task involved with preparing for book club would be reading the book.

I've actually been listening to the book on my iPod as I putter around the house rubbing lotion on my sofa and changing dead light bulbs. The latter task sent me wandering through the aisles of Home Depot the other day, where I found so much more than light bulbs.

Behold, I give you another installment of Garage Porn:

If you're going to indulge in a 3-way, there's really no excuse for having an ugly one.
Besides being confused about how it sticks to the wall without screws, I'm suspicious of anything that's screwless.
Just when you thought you had to throw out that rubber with the hole in it. This plug solves all your problems. The guys at Home Depot think of everything.
I can't actually think of why you'd need to connect them, unless it's got something to do with the beautiful 3-way?
Words fail me on this one. So much potential for filth, but I just can't find my focus.
So how about it, readers? Any thoughts on that last one? Have you had any fun trips to Home Depot lately? Please share!

18 comments :

Karla Nellenbach said...

Before I met you, I spent countless hours walking through Home Depot with a completely straight face. Not anymore. Now, I'm lucky if I can get through one aisle without snickering. Thanks for that! :)

Linda G. said...

No, but I had a trip to Norfolk over the weekend I think you might appreciate. If you get a chance, check my blog post from yesterday. (It's partially your fault -- I can't look anywhere without seeing double-entendres anymore.)

Missy said...

You are absolutely hysterical! How long does it take you to think this stuff up??!?!

I have been a faithful reader since I "found" you on the Debutante Ball. Thanks!!

S. Schmidt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SM Schmidt said...

This is why my roommate won't take me to Home Depot and the home improvement isle at Target is now a no giggle zone. I can't help it if someone named a product without thinking through all the meanings.

Sarah W said...

I'm not allowed in Home Depot, but my husband came home with a ring bracket to reinforce our bedroom ceiling fan. "It wobbles," he said, but he was grinning his patented ulterior motive grin . ..

I'll let cleverer people offer possibilities for the bottom turn knob socket, but at $3.28, it has to be a bargain.

Joyce Tremel said...

Wouldn't you know it. I have to go to Home Depot today. If I get thrown out, I'm blaming it on you.

Nate Wilson said...

Oh Tawna, there's nothing dirty about the Bottom Turn Knob Socket. It's a standard accessory for any loving couple who enjoys the position known as "The Carousel."

Clever_Cherry_Betty said...

Rubber plugs - that is just hysterical. And obviously given the # of people who blame babies on broken rubbers, every home, car, park, etc. should have some available.

Teri Anne Stanley said...

My mom and her best friend walk every day at Lowe's Home Improvement (They are, apparently, not old and stodgy enough to have to walk at the mall. Or maybe they just got kicked out for being dorks.). I am totally going to forward this post to her. On second thought...maybe I don't want to know what my mom would make of this.

lora96 said...

Reminds me of the old Ellen Degeneres line of "Ballcock? That's seriously what it's called? Boy, what were the names they threw out before they picked that one?"

HoldenLyric said...

I like to stay away from home depot. Last time I went there, The guy hit on me and when I laughed at him, he threatened to chop my hand off with a saw. Yeah, yeah, it was a joke. I think...

Have fun with your 3-way!

Piper Bayard said...

What a hoot! Think my hubby and I will go to Home Depot for date night instead of the comedy club. All the best.

Skye said...

First of all, you need the Bottom Turn Knob to go into the Bottom Turn Knob Socket. Without them both, you'll never get to do the Ceiling Fan maneuver.

German Chocolate Betty said...

Hmmmm...all I can say is, there is something verrrry iiinteresting about your mindset. I.e., you seem to move through life with a porn filter. (Not the "filtering out" kind, but more of a "night vision" type, seeing things that may be normal -- whatever that may be -- people aren't able to perceive.)

The scary thing is, it seems to be catching...

When did you first notice this, and what does your therapist say about it??

(harharhar)

My local "Home Depot" store here is called "Obi", most stuff, natch, in German, but sometimes we get even better off-the-wall, pseudo-English labelling. Will have to remember to take pics.

lynnrush said...

Bahahahaha! I'm never going to go into a Home Depot without looking for this stuff again! ROTFLOL!

Jessica Lemmon said...

I do invoicing at a construction company. It is typical to list "6-inch black nipples" on an invoice. I know it's immature, but I still snicker. One day we received a "nipple caddy" (made for transporting them, of course!) via UPS and I thought I'd nevere stop laughing.

Damian Trasler said...

Dudette:
I work at the World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer. I'm the guy on the door who welcomes people to the store and helps them find their stuff. I've had people come in and say "I'm looking for a screw". I had a pretty lady come up to me and say "I need a stud finder" and it took all my self control not to say "Look no further, for I am a stud..." In fact, there's so much filth in the store, I wrote a sketch about it. "If you want to get your hands on some nuts or a length of rod, head over to aisle 16 where the guys who are the best in Tool department will guarantee your satisfaction...."