Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How to scare your new housemate in 100 words or less

Yesterday afternoon, I rented a room in my house to a 27 year old young man who just moved from out of state.

Those of you who read my previous post about taking in a tenant just realized I now share my home with two twenty-something males. If I have to get creative to pay the mortgage, I might as well enjoy the scenery.

The second I had the signed rental agreement in hand, I remembered something I needed to share with my new housemate.

“You know how I told you I’m pretty quiet and don’t have a lot of houseguests or loud parties?”

He gave me a wary look, probably wondering how binding the rental agreement would be if he tore it up and ate the pieces. “Yeah?”

“That’s all true,” I assured him, “Except for this Thursday night.”

“What’s Thursday night?”

“A party. With a lot of women. One men aren’t allowed to be at.”

He frowned. “What sort of party is that?”

How does one explain the concept of a Pure Romance Party to a strange man one has met mere hours before, and who, for the next few months anyway, will be sharing the laundry room and the good skillet?

“It’s sort of like a Tupperware party,” I said carefully. “Only instead of salad containers, think of sex toys.”

“Think of sex toys?”

“Not right now,” I added. “I mean, you don’t have to think about them now, or ever, really, but they will be in the house on Thursday evening. So will a lot of women consuming large quantities of wine and passing the sex toys around for perusal and purchase.”

I couldn’t read his expression. That’s probably because we’d exchanged a total of eighty words at this point, and seventy of them had to do with rent and background checks. I honestly wasn’t sure if he was preparing to flee or preparing to look under my sofa for the hidden camera.

“The thing is,” I continued, “men aren’t allowed to be present for these things, so you probably want to hide in your room or go to a movie or something. And I can’t guarantee your safety if you show up in the living room and get swarmed by two dozen women hopped up on estrogen and Pinot Noir.”

I gave him my best smile and handed him a house key. “So here you go. And welcome. I’m really not a pervert or a party animal.”

I’m pretty sure he knew I was lying about at least one of those things.

Nevertheless, he took the key and retreated to his room, where he’s probably busy installing a deadbolt as I type this.

It's possible I'm the worst landlord in history.

37 comments :

linda said...

LOL! You write the funniest posts ever! Poor guy. Can't wait to see how your landlord-tenant relationship evolves, given such a unique beginning. :)

Have a great time at the party!

Tessa Conte said...

*grins*

You never know, you might have made his day...

Lu said...

I bet he peeks out the keyhole, hehe.

Dawn Alexander said...

Great post!
I bet he is in his room tweeting, "Just moved into the best rental EVER!"

Margareta said...

New at your blog, I enjoy your humour and hope that the party goes well, both for women and for your tenant! Greetings from Sweden

Kristie Cook said...

I'm with Dawn. A 20-something with a hot landlady having sex toy parties? He's in heaven!

Sarah W said...

This is a priceless story set-up! Please use it in one of your books, or give us permission to swipe it -- it must not be wasted!

Matthew MacNish said...

I'm pretty sure he's not too worried about it Tawna, unless your friends are a bunch of Eastern European weightlifters, or he's a computer programmer who weighs a buck twenty soaking wet. Or both.

Teri Anne Stanley said...

Do you think you could get your tenants to be guest bloggers? I would really, really like to hear what they have to say.
And in the true spirit of cougar-hood, please include pictures.

Jen Daiker said...

Teri had me cracking up. I'm all for what they had to say on the subject.

I know a few of my male friends would have been insistent on staying. The only thing that would have changed the dynamics is if I would have stated they were all a lot older. Then again who knows what guys are into now a days :)

Maya said...

Hahahaha, priceless! I've tried kicking my boyfriend out for the sex parties but he's so curious that he hides somewhere to listen in and then asks a million questions afterward. It's sort of cute, actually.

I dunno, sounds like a good landlord situation to me!

Delia said...

Pssshhh...It sounds like your the best landlord in history. Let me know if you start vacation rentals.

KrisseeV said...

Got to hear how this goes down! Pleeeease post am update! So funny!

Danica Avet said...

Please let us know how that goes...I'm dying to find out if he's really freaked out or interested, LOL

Kerry Schafer said...

Haha! Too funny. I bet he thinks he's in heaven. But here's the real million dollar question - do your tenants know you're blogging about them for all the world to see? Part of the rental agreement, perhaps, lol.

Ashley said...

Pretty sure he's super excited to be living there now. Lol. Funny post!

Patty Blount said...

I'd worry more that he's setting up the web cam. :)

Trisha Leigh said...

I'm with Patty. I bet he's more intrigued than frightened ;)

midnightblooms said...

Actually I'm pretty sure he thinks he has the most awesome landlord in history. :)

Erin Brambilla said...

I agree, he is now thinking, "Best.landlord.EVER!" You are too funny. Thanks for the laugh!

Jen Stayrook said...

Well, he didn't run away screaming. That's at least a plus in your column. Also, you didn't ramble. I often ramble in situations like that. "You see, the sex toys come in many shapes and sizes..."

Jason said...

I second the request for guest blogging by your tenants - pictures won't do much for me though. :)

And yes, I guarantee he thinks you are the best landlord ever.

Chris said...

He ran to his room to text all his friends to accidently visit during the party. He is a man. He will plead he forgot about the warning and will walk into a middle of the women. It is a dream come true for a 20something male!!!

Linda G. said...

Man, I would have loved to have seen the look on his face as you were explaining things to him. I can just imagine his thought bubble: Best landlord EVER!

Ricky Bush said...

I think I could have handled a landlady on your sorts when I was twenty something. Of course, back then the whole house would have been raided and I'd been arrested for being the dealer of corruption.

Neurotic Workaholic said...

Your description of your conversation with your tenant cracked me up. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to peek into the party to see the toys.

Steph Schmidt said...

Best. Landlord. Ever.

Because you at least warned him rather than throw him to the wolves. But he's probably tweeting from the safety of his room about never leaving the house on Thursdays from now on.

Patrick Alan said...

You should try singing for the tenants.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Too funny! Think of him, safely dead-bolted into his new room, sitting at his computer, and madly typing a post about his new landlady on HIS blog.

Kimberly Sabatini said...

Girl-you need to start live vlogging!!!! You make my day!!!!

Douglas Morrison said...

He is going to have a line of guys wanting to rent his room on Thursday nights. He'll post it on the college bulletin board...
Unless he's a behaviorial science major..? In which case you are now his Thesis Project
Too funny!

Liana said...

He's probably trying to figure out how to sneak a camera into the living room so he can film the party.

I bet he'll peek just to see if any of the ladies are hot and interested in playing with his toys.

LTM said...

Okay, T. We're relatively new friends, so I don't know your marital status... But my writerly imagination is running away~ :D

Missy said...

you know he is in his room posting on his facebook AT THIS VERY MOMENT!! beware, he may sneak down to take photos to use as proof. He thinks he has just died and gone to heaven!

Matthew MacNish said...

You're really messing up my morning here, Tawna. I've come to count on at least one dirty joke to go with my coffee each day.

lahn said...

Perfect example of why I always read your blog. I need the humor!

Squeaky said...

okaaaay - not sure what this says about our respective countries, but if that conversation had happened here in the UK, the response would probably have been "Oh, an Anne Summers party? Righto." followed by an eyeroll and plans to be out of the house that night to avoid the banshee shrieking of overexcited and predatory women...
these parties are famous and almost ubiquitous in this country. mention *that* name, and *everyone* knows what's going to happen!

how did it go, by the way...?