Monday, August 29, 2011

Way to work that wood

Every now and then, my parents get a chance to remember why I shouldn't be allowed out in public.

They got to rediscover this on Friday at the Oregon State Fair when we stumbled upon the nation’s premier lumberjack competition, the STIHL® TIMBERSPORTS® Series. The event is touted as, "wood-chopping, saw-slicing, heart-pumping lumberjack action."

You already see where this is going, don't you?

I sincerely wish I'd had an audio recorder or a notepad with me to record the running commentary from the ESPN announcers. As it was, I missed a lot of the play-by-play because I was on my knees howling with laughter as tears ran down my face and my mother simultaneously pretended not to know me and not to be every bit as amused as I was.

Here's the gist of what had me in stitches:

Announcer 1: Let's talk a little bit about the wood out here today.

Announcer 2: Yes, definitely! You know, a lot of people don't realize the hardness of the wood makes all the difference when it comes to a competition like this one.

Announcer 1: And believe me, this is some hard wood these guys are dealing with!

Announcer 2: Well, it's not just the wood, but the way the guys handle it. Stepping up to the platform now we have Floyd Jones. Now this man knows how to work the wood!

Announcer 1: Indeed he does. Watch the power behind that motion! He's really putting some muscle into it.

Announcer 2: You really have to appreciate the technique when he's working it from the front like that. A lot of people don't realize the force you need when you come at it from above.

Announcer 1: Oh, things are really heating up now! Look at the precision when he moves around to get at it from behind. That wood is about to give!

Announcer 2: And he's down!

We only got to watch one round before my parents decided we might be better off in the livestock barn.

If you've ever seen ram testicles, you already know that was a severe miscalculation on their part.

So how was your weekend? Any good wood whacking or other forms of unintentional risque humor? Please share!


Sarah W said...

We saw the Smurf movie with the kids.

Right after a scene where it was pointed out that Smurfette is the only femae of her kind, one of the kids piped up behind us:

"Daddy, why don't they have blue balls?"

"They probably do at home, honey."

As one can't brethe popcorn, my husband almost died.

Sarah W said...



Linda G. said...

ROF,L! Okay, I know it's going to be a good week when I start my Monday off with tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks.

Patrick Alan said...

At the grocery store yesterday, I got some advice on how to prepare my meat with a dry rub.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. This was so funny. I love starting out my day with a total laughing fit!!!

My weekend was BORING in comparison for sure. Just worked at the bookstore. :)

Matthew MacNish said...

Thank goodness I'm back. I sure missed your world.

BarbN said...

Read a new (to me) Heyer this weekend, Sylvester, that included the following conversation about horses:

"Will you let me mount you while you are in town?" ...
" must know I couldn't permit you to mount me!"
"I suppose you couldn't," he admitted. "I hate to see you so unworthily mounted, though."
"Thank you - you are very good!" she stammered.

Meredith said...

So, this isn't risque (unless you have a far dirtier mind than me) but it made me laugh.

I was watching a parade with my seven-year-old son this weekend when a brownish dog walked by. He asked me if it was a chocolate factory. Given that an enormous number of his jokes end with dog poop being mistaken for chocolate, it took me a minute to realize this wasn't a set-up. "Oh," I said, "I think you mean chocolate *lab*" :)

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

You've never seen such arguing about what will and won't fit in your slit as on a men's fashion forum, discussing acceptable use of jacket pockets in formalwear.

Judy,Judy,Judy. said...

I read your post and I laugh so hard and I think, why doesn't my mind work like this?
I love it that your mind does work like this.
Again, living vicariously through you.


Sarah W, hahahahahaha! Did you have to escort hubby out of the theater?

Linda G, sorry about your mascara.

Patrick, true story: I've actually purchased meat rub because it made me laugh.

lynnrush, surely you've got some filthy bookstore stories to share? :)

Matthew, spoken like a guy with a healthy appreciation for wood.

BarbN, oh man, I'm dying laughing at that. I've never read Heyer and have always meant to, so I think I need to make that my first!

Meredith, I was thinking along the same lines you were!

Geoffrey, holy crap, that is HILARIOUS!

Judy, Judy, Judy, I'm not so sure my parents always appreciate that my mind works like this. Then again, they were laughing as hard as I was.

Thanks for reading, guys!


Patty Blount said...

*mops eyes*
*tapes ribs*

OMG. I can't breathe. Can't stop laughing.

RamblingWords said...

Oh Tawna, I am laughing outloud. I have tears running down my face and I wish I could have been there with you. How hysterical! Sorry your parents don't always appreciate your sense of humor. ;)