Monday, August 23, 2010

The big, hairy butt of romance

Some friends of ours just moved to a house a few blocks away.

After lunch, we went to visit and point out the highlights of the neighborhood.

One of those highlights is a large wooded area ideal for hiking, biking, and snowshoeing. It’s also a shortcut to the school their pre-teen daughter attends, and our friends were eager to take a look.

The five of us set out toward the woods, with Pythagoras leading the way down the dirt trail. “It’s really peaceful,” he explained. “We rarely run into anyone else out here.”

“Lots of great trails, too,” I agreed.

That’s when we all noticed the red pickup truck at the trailhead. It was unremarkable except that we rarely see vehicles there. As I continued to prattle on about wildlife and foliage, Pythagoras got a funny look on his face.

“What?” I asked.

He nodded toward the truck. “I just saw a butt.”

I squinted through the windshield. “A butt like someone’s throwing cigarettes during fire season or a butt like – oh my God, my eyes!

And there it was, a big, white, hairy butt, appearing in the window briefly and then disappearing, then reappearing again, then disappearing in a rhythm that left little question what was transpiring in the cab of that truck. We had stumbled upon someone’s romantic interlude.

Well, as romantic as you can be in the cab of a dusty truck on a sweltering afternoon with the windows cracked and five strangers standing outside discussing methods for removing cheat-grass from a cat’s ear.

Not wanting her pre-teen daughter scarred for life by the sight of the butt pressed against the window, mom quickly herded her away while our friend stayed behind and Pythagoras and I continued chatting.

“Right up here is where the dog found the dead squirrel last week,” Pythagoras announced as the truck swayed gently.

“Couldn’t believe how fast he ate that squirrel,” I agreed, trying not to notice the butt was picking up speed. “Ate the fur and bones and maggots and everything.”

Several minutes passed and the truck stopped rocking. The butt vanished, and the windows rolled up.

We were all relieved.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not one to judge those who enjoy an amorous moment in a motor vehicle. I’m also not one of those romance authors who’ll tell you everything should be beautiful and tender and choreographed like a naked ballet.

But seriously? Must the thrusting continue with five strangers discussing carrion three feet away?

Eventually, our friend trudged back to his house while Pythagoras and I headed the other way toward ours.

“Think it was a couple teenagers, or an older guy having an affair?” I asked.

Pythagoras considered that. “Teenagers. There was a dirt bike in back.”

“I might've seen some gray butt hair,” I countered. “Maybe it's an older guy. Maybe the dirt bike belongs to his kid. He’s sneaking around on his wife and his marriage is already strained because he lost his job at the lumber mill and he’s pawning the bike so he can spring for a cheap motel room the next time he wants to bump uglies with his mistress.”

Pythagoras looked at me. “Please tell me the love scenes in your books are more romantic than that.”

I shrugged. “Sometimes.”

So what do you think? Teenagers or frisky adults? And where is the line between a fun afternoon romp and a disgusting image that shouldn’t be inflicted on the eyeballs of others?

Speaking of which, anyone know where I can get my retinas bleached?

38 comments :

Rebecca Lynn said...

This is by far the funniest thing I've read all day.

But also, love the other post about fake car sex!!! Hilarious. You have such a great voice. Can't wait to read your books!

Patty Blount said...

Teenagers. I like to think middle aged adulterers could at least spring for a sleazy motel.

As for bleached retinas, let me know what you find out!

SM Schmidt said...

Frisky adults. I've not yet meet a teen who was harry enough to warrant a decent amount of arm hair so butt hair is easily out of the question.

I'm now in a very bad mental place and need to bleach my mind before I start worrying about my eyes!

Gabriela Lessa said...

Hum... Teenagers would be the more obvious answer, but then again who wants obvious? I vote for older woodsman who has enough boring sex in proper seetings with his wife and does it in odd places with his lover in order to live on the edge.

LadyGenette said...

Mmm...I'm thinking someone just over the "adult" line. 20, scored some midday beer from his older brother and didn't want Mom to know he's banging the girl down the street who hangs out with all those "other" guys.

Young enough to be reckless, and yet old enough to have some glistening butt hair to press against the window.

Hmmm. Maybe I should give this romance writing a try. No backwoods trucks , though. I'm thinking stock car sex.

elizabethreinhardt said...

Hahaha! Teenagers! My husband would kill me for any reveals, but let's say I know a very hot man who has had a hairy bum since I met him when he was a teenager; and truck sex is something we both wax poetic about now that we have a nice house with privacy and furniture. I swear he cried the day we sold the old blue truck that had seen so many amorous encounters...but I swear never with people discussing carnage a few feet away. At least I hope not!
I think the best love scenes are the ones with true-to-life details; butt hair and all!

Kari Lynn Dell said...

My husband was the field manager for the Hermiston Irrigation District, which involved driving along little dirt roads beside canals lined with trees and bushes. There was one couple who regularly parked along one of his routes for nooners. We, of course, assumed they were married and sneaking off on their lunch hour for a quickie. My husband being like he is, I'm surprised he never knocked on the window to ask if we were right.

Crystal said...

Butt hair on a teenager? No way. Adults for sure.

Jeannie said...

Adults. The butt hair def tells me adults. (But it's a visual I need to get out of my head! Thanks so much, Tawna. Thanks.)

I agree with the person who mentioned teens not even having arm hair. I work in a HS and most can't get a decent beard going.

KO said...

I want to believe its a teenager, and not an adult.
Takes it from kinda creepy to kinda sweet.

Karla Nellenbach said...

I'd like to think teens as well, but I'd be like you and come up with some convoluted story as to why it had to be an old guy adulterer...they're just more fun ;)

Melissa Gill said...

This has got to be someone so testosteone impared (ie, teenager) that they didn't care if the whole world saw them, or someone who wanted to take the risk of being seen. Why else choose to park at the trail head?

Jessica Lemmon said...

My only hope is that in some rare twist of fate, said "butt in the window" and his partner stumble onto this blog and comment.

I'm thinking it was adults, but maybe not cheating, maybe newlyweds???

Karen said...

I think the presence of butt hair indicates an adult. Do you think they were aware that you were there? And I have to ask--why didn't YOU leave? I don't know if I could have faced seeing the lovers after the fact.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Now, Tawna -- you need to be careful how you wield your talent for vivid writing. My eyes are burning from that image, and I didn't even see it!

Tawna Fenske said...

Rebecca, why thank you! I've gotta say, the fake car sex experience was a lot more enjoyable than this one.

Patty, hard to say, with the economy the way it is, maybe cheap motels are just too much luxury? I've been finding a lot more used condoms on the ground on my favorite hiking trails lately, so I've gotta think that's the reason.

SM Schmidt, I'm disgusted to admit this, but I'm now curious about teenagers and butt hair. Wonder if there have been studies done? Eeew.

Gabriela, I like your idea -- just two, happily married, consenting adults who wanted to spice things up a bit.

LadyGenette, stock car sex, huh? That sounds adventurous.

elizabethreinhardt, aw, now even I'm mourning the loss of your blue truck. Sounds like some fond memories!

Kari Lynn, wait, were you assuming they were married to each other, or to other people? Now I'm curious, too!

Crystal, this whole teenage butt hair thing seems like a setup for a horror novel.

Jeannie, it's possible I didn't stare long enough to really register the amount of butt hair. Maybe the window was just dirty?

KO, nah, it's still creepy no matter what age they were!

Karla, now that I think about it, I should have jotted down the license plate #. Then I could figure it out for sure, huh?

Melissa, it was definitely someone with more testosterone than brain cells, though in the guy's defense, it really is a pretty hidden area. Well, obviously not THAT hidden!

Jessica, that would amuse me very much to have either participant stumble upon this blog!

Karen, the windows were cracked slightly and we were talking pretty loudly, so I can't imagine they didn't know we were there. The mother/daughter in our group left quickly, but the rest of us stayed out of morbid curiosity (and because we really did want to show them the trail). The butt was like a train wreck -- you couldn't look away.

Dianne, I'm kinda feeling like I need a shower myself.

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Kari Lynn Dell said...

We assumed married to other people. Although now that I have a child, I can understand why you might have to sneak off for a nooner with your own husband.

Suz said...

How do harry arsed men get laid in the middle of the day?

Suz said...

Poor Harry. I meant 'hairy'. Seriously though, how? Why? YUCK!

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

Pythagoras doesn't have to read the love scenes in your books? Kind author/wife. I don't make O Best Beloved wade through drafts or offer edits, but I will generally pout at her if I've done something I'm particularly proud of and she hasn't bothered to read it.

Katt said...

Not surprised that hair-butt didn't hear you, heck, ever tried to get a man's attention when he's watching sports? Multiply that for sex.

Have you seen the currently circulating email with the bare butted couple on top of the bridge? oddly tasteful pics!

Tawna, bet you do a double take whenever you see a similar red pickup, taking note of driver age.

Hey,maybe it was on someone's bucket list.

Indigo said...

I 'was' going to say frisky adults, due to the abundance of butt hair. Then I remembered they didn't stop until they were done, despite giving a show. Cheaters would be more inclined to be nervous and edgy. Teenagers however couldn't care less, if they put on a show or not. (Hugs)Indigo

Danica Avet said...

Tsk, you have it all wrong, Tawna! Obviously, the poor man was just a victim of a wardrobe malfunction. He was about to start working out, you know, jogging and doing push-ups every mile or so when he discovered that he FORGOT to put his shorts and underwear on. But he was already where he planned to start his workout, so instead of going home, he soldiered on. He could've run around bare assed, but he didn't want to get arrested. That's why he decided to do upside down pelvic thrusts IN his truck. Yeah, pelvic thrusts. And that's why he didn't stop when y'all showed up. It's all a misunderstanding.

Elizabeth Ryann said...

What on earth is cheat-grass? And how does it get in a cat's ear?

Dr. Goose said...

3 feet away? They must have been focused. Did they eventually see you or did they stay hidden?

Cynthia Reese said...

GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN! Haven't laughed this much all day long. Butt hair! Gotta be a man, b/c after all, a man is nothing more than a graying teenage boy, right? I'll bet the woman underneath was saying, "Stop! Stop! Someone's coming!"

Oh, no. Linda Grimes is going to have a field day with that last bit ...

bookewyrme said...

Is it bad that I'm far less interested in the age or marital status of the participants and far more curious about how they were performing the act in question such that hairy-butt's derriere was continually peeking over the bottom edge of the window? I mean, he must have been really jack-hammering away, or else had windows very near to the seats.

~Lia

Deborah said...

Um. When you find that bleach, mind sending some my way? I need to disinfect my imagination.

Shudder.

Deb

Sydnee said...

AHAHAHA. Priceless. Oddly enough, I'm jealous of you. Nothing nearly as fascinating happens to me as often as it seems to happen to you. I would've been laughing my (thankfully, hairless) ass off.

Clever Cherry / Betty said...

lol I would love to be your neighbor.
Maybe it was VERY old people. They had their hearing aids turned off which is why they didn't hear you. And maybe they mistook the trailhead for the back row of a drive in. Or they have to do it wherever they are when the Viagra kicks in.
Yep - that's probably it.

lora96 said...

Definitely adult. Because of the hairiness factor.

Also, I don't think hairy man would have noticed strangers THROWING carrion at the window of the vehicle. A certain degree of, um, oblivion permeates such impromptu encounters. :P

That being said, ew. Ew.

lora96 said...

Meanwhile PLEASE tell me your friends do not intend to send their preteen daughter traipsing alone through a densely wooded area! Do you people WATCH CNN????

trishaleigh.com said...

Wow, thanks for the mental image Tawna. This post should come with brain bleach :).

I think it's hilarious that you all just stood there talking and hairy butt couldn't have cared less. LOL.

My vote is for cheap middle-agers.

madameduck said...

That is the funniest thing I've read all day! Haha!

Meghan Ward said...

Hahaha! What a great story. Thanks for sharing that.

Linda G. said...

LOLOL...! Oh, my. Such an image. Thanks for a much-needed laugh.

bettyfokker said...

I think adults (how many teenage boys have a sincerely hairy butts?) ... maybe a recently divorced older guy? Someone who hadn't gotten any in a very long time, thus the devotion to continuing even while strangers talked about dead-squirrel-eating dogs?

Tawna Fenske said...

Kari Lynn, no shame in sneaking off for a nooner with your own husband. Just don't borrow my car, OK?

Suz, hairy men need love, too. Apparently quite a lot of it.

Geoffrey, I insist on his help in researching them, but nope -- he doesn't read my sex scenes (or anything else I write).

Katt, I haven't seen the bridge pic, will have to go look for it!

Indigo, good point about cheaters being more nervous or edgy. I hadn't thought of that! Admittedly I didn't stand there staring in the windows, but I swear the guy didn't even glance out the window to see who was there.

Danica, thank you so much for clarifying that for me. I feel much better now.

Elizabeth, cheat-grass is horrid stuff, and it's EVERYWHERE here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drooping_Brome

Dr. Goose, if they saw us, they sure didn't seem to care!

Cynthia, sometimes you just make it too easy for me. Linda, you want to take this one?

Bookwyrme, I wondered the same damn thing! I should also mention that I never once saw a female body part -- no legs, no head, nothing. Admittedly I wasn't staring very long, but that seemed odd to me.

Deborah, maybe we can get a group rate on therapy?

Sydnee, we were definitely laughing, but the guy never broke stride. Gotta admire that kind of focus!

Clever Cherry, why do I find it sort of heartwarming to picture senior citizens hooking up in the cab of a pickup truck?

lora96, I'll be sure to let my friends know you're concerned about their daughter! :) Pretty sure they're just planning to go for family walks together on occasion, and maybe go to the school for evening functions and the like.

Trisha, yeah, I was a little surprised at their lack of interest in the audience, but I suppose they had more important things on their minds.

madameduck, glad you enjoyed it. I did not.

Meghan, I figured you should all share in my misery.

Linda G, it's burned into your brain forever now, isn't it?

bettyfokker, he certainly seemed committed to his pursuit, that's for sure!

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna