Monday, August 9, 2010

The power of poo

I’m not a terribly spiritual person, but I do have one very deeply held belief I cling to above all others. It is my belief in Dog Doo Karma.

If you own a canine companion, you know what I’m talking about.

For those without four-legged friends, the principle of Dog Doo Karma dictates that all humans shall clean up their furry friends’ canine landmines. Do so, and your shoes and soul shall remain poo free.

Fail to do so, and the universe will make sure you get what’s coming to you.

Pythagoras and I have the utmost respect for Dog Doo Karma, and travel everywhere with little doodie baggies tucked in our pockets. Even if we don’t have a dog with us. Even if we’re dressed in formal attire or swimwear, you can pat us down and find baggies.

But we had a momentary, regrettable lapse last week. We were visiting the Oregon Coast near Warrenton, and as we trudged along a desolate stretch of beach hunting for sand dollars, our dog hunched up performed her duty.

I looked one direction, then the other. Not a soul for miles and miles.

“Maybe we should leave it,” Pythagoras said. “The tide’s coming in, it’ll be gone in a few minutes.”

I hesitated. Did we dare tempt Dog Doo Karma?

But we were planning a long hike, and the thought of toting a smelly baggie for several hours didn’t hold much appeal.

“I’ll just make sure no one will step in it,” I said. I found an empty crab shell and used it as a makeshift scooper to fling the business out to sea. The seagulls were delighted. The dog was angry she wasn’t allowed to fetch it.

We looked around. No one had witnessed the sin.

We continued our walk, with the dog racing ahead and Pythagoras lagging behind in search of sand dollars. Maybe an hour passed. I had almost forgotten the incident when I heard a colorful string of curses behind me.

I knew without turning around what had happened.

Well, not exactly what had happened.

To protect your delicate sensibilities, I shall refer to the substance in question as peanut butter.

“First I stepped in this huge pile of @#$% peanut butter,” Pythagoras snarled as he did a one-legged dance to get his sandal off. “Then I lifted my @#$% foot and a big chunk of peanut butter fell off onto my other sandal. Now I’ve got peanut butter all over my toes and under my foot and—”

I tried very hard to be supportive. Apparently “supportive” does not include falling down in the sand laughing hysterically as your spouse drags one foot through the water and scrapes the other with a stick while the dog dances around waiting for the stick to be thrown.

Finally, Pythagoras got cleaned up. Our mood was somber as we continued down the beach.

“So the Dog Doo Karma got us,” I said.

Pythagoras glared at me. “Us?”

“I feel your pain,” I told him solemnly.

“I could sense that from your maniacal laughter.”

So do you believe in Dog Doo Karma? What about other closely related beliefs like Shopping Cart Karma and Last Square of Toilet Paper Karma?

Please share in the comments. I’ll be busy burning my husband’s sandals.
Poor Pythagoras tends to his poo-covered sandals while the dog assists.


Patrick Alan said...

I was looking forward to a picture of you excitely holding a bag of dog poo.

My wife would laugh at me stepping in peanut butter, too. Why do wives have no sympathy and are unbelievably cruel to sweet well-meaning husbands who step in the wrong place?

Jenna Wallace said...

You owe me a new keyboard because mine has nose-snorted tea all over it.

I so totally believe in Dog Doo Karma (I don't have a dog but I believe by proxy), as well as 'Wave at drivers when they let you go' karma.

lora96 said...

No offense to Pythagoras, but that was hysterically funny. I snorted in unladylike fashion. And yes, the dog doo karma is alive and well. When I didn't have a scooper or baggie and thus abandoned my poodle's business, I stepped in gum, twice that day. Coincidence? I think not.

K.A. Krantz said...

Curb thy beast, lest the Fu of Dog Doo return three fold on you. Okay, maybe it isn't an ancient Chinese proverb, but it is totally true...unless the beast makes a deposit in ivy or brambles. I'd prefer to step in it rather than get tangled with it. ~ick~

Danica Avet said...

I was actually quite concerned about you, Tawna, when I read the title of this post. Then it made sense (it always does in the end).

The last Square of Toilet Paper Karma is very important to me. Okay, I obsess a bit much. At my office, I'm constantly carting toilet paper into the women's bathroom because I'm paranoid and you never know when someone won't repay the favor.

Linda G. said...

LOL! Poor Pythagoras. I feel his pain, too. From a very great distance, while laughing hysterically.

And, yeah, I'm a firm believer in Dog Doo Karma. Tempt fate, and it will surely return to bite you on, peanut butter jar.

Lynda Elkin said...

I was all geared up to read about the wonders of prunes and fiber. I'm glad to know your fascination with poo relates to the canine variety. For the record, I'm a total believer in Dog Doo Karma.

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

On the heels of your wonderful blogging advice posts -- which dwelt extensively on the importance of humor -- I can only take this as further evidence of what I like to call the Third Law of Comedics, "Poop is always funny."

I have no idea what the other two would be; possibly "Pain is always funny" and "Jokes should always be at someone else's expense and not yours unless you like pain and poop." Something that will appear on my blog one of these days, maybe...

charles frenzel said...

Hysterically funny, especially after I kicked a rock out of the way at 5:30 this morning while on my walk. A very soft rock that my wife claims is still clinging to my shoe. Thagorus, a distant cousin who couldn't find where parallels meet would have found this less amusing:)

Elizabeth Ryann said...

Oh, man. Karma is swift. Poor Pythagoras.

Happy you got a laugh though!

Amie Borst said...

We've got the dog-poo Nazi's in my neighborhood. In fact, there has been an ongoing attack on my HOA website. I stay out of it. Sort of. Secretly I read all of the disparaging comments thrown at all my neighbors and laugh myself silly.

Unknown said...

Too funny! And I loved the pun in this line, "...our dog hunched up and performed her duty."

I sincerely hope Dog Poo Karma exists (sorry, Pythagoras!) because we are an indoor cat family, but we always have a big pile of peanut butter on our front lawn. Grrrrr.


Patrick, wives are allowed to laugh at our husbands' misfortunes. It says so right in the marriage vows, weren't you listening? Oh, right -- you're a guy. Of course you weren't listening.

Jenna, oh yeah, I'm a big believer in the friendly wave to nice drivers. Or the apologetic wave when I've screwed something up, that's a good one, too!

lora96, you've highlighted an important aspect of the laws of Dog Doo Karma -- it may not always be poo you step in. Could be gum, could be vomit outside a bar. Bottom line though, it WILL be disgusting.

KAK, we had a dog once who looooved to do her business on top of thorny bushes & brambles. Then she'd stand there looking at us and I swear, she'd laugh.

Danica, I lived in Venezuela for awhile and you could never count on finding TP in public restrooms. I got in the habit of carrying an emergency stash, and I still sometimes do that now. Better safe than sorry!

Linda G, deep down, I kinda did wish it had happened to me instead of him. He's a lot more easily grossed out by that sort of thing, whereas I'd barely break stride to rinse my foot.

Lynda, I do have limits, and I draw them just before I begin blogging about human bowel & bladder habits!

Geoffrey, I did briefly consider the wisdom of following up a week of know-it-all advice on blogging with a post about dog poop, but then I figured it was EXACTLY what I ought to do :)

Charles, oh, don't you HATE those rocks that turn out to be soft? Especially when you try to throw them in the river.

Elizabeth, no joke, I was impressed the Karma got us so quickly. Actually, in an interesting postscript, I was at the dog park just two days later and walked into a tall weed that was soaking wet. It had not rained for a week.

Amie, no shit? (LOL, I crack myself up). Seriously, it's amazing how seriously some people take dog doo.

Nicole, we have a section of lawn that everyone treats as a public dog toilet. Drives Pythagoras nuts.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Unknown said...

Was going to make a peanut butter sandwich for lunch...I need to rethink that now.

So sorry for Pythagoras, but thank him for me for giving you material once again. (I'm still giggling)

Alexa O said...

Not long ago, my skinny-dipping toddler pooped in the ocean.

I did my best, but missed...well, all of it.

I do not want to contemplate what karma has in store for me.

Candyland said...

I absolutely believe in it. For people doo too.

Anonymous said...

This is similar to Chewing Gum Karma. If I spit out my gum anywhere but the trash can, I will step in someone's spit out gum somewhere else, anywhere else. Even if I think I've spit my gum far enough into the bushes, far away from the sidewalk. Forget it, the karma still gets me and I'll step in a wad of gum someone has spit right near my car door. As I stick my foot out, STICK! My sole is covered in gum.

Judy Long said...

Yes I believe in dog doo karma. And I should have tons of karma plus points because I'm always the one changing the tp roll.

There are some things you can't help laughing at. Like once when my friend and I were at the zoo. He walked under a tree and a bird decorated his shirt for him. A great long black and white streak all down his shirt. I laughed until I cried. He didn't think it was funny, though. Perspective can be a bitch.

Beth Mann said...

That is HILARIOUS! I wrote about karma today on my blog, too. I used to laugh at the little old lady on the LifeCall commercial, you know, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!". Yeah, I AM that little old lady now - I hurt my back yesterday, fell into bed, and LITERALLY can't get out!

Elizabeth Ryann said...

Um, gross. But at least now you know that karma refuses to leave any perpetrators unpunished.

Karin said...

VG blog, and that karma of course works either way, bad or good. If you make frequent use of those bags, you could even walk barefoot in the streets of Paris...

I was hoping for more blogiana, though. More about blogging, since your last five posts have been the most enlightened and sensible ones I've read on the subject.

I do quite a bit of writing in traditional media (articles, translations, the odd book) and people say that since I'm extremely textrovert I ought to start blogging. Here is what is holding me back apart from he fact that it takes a lot of time: I get the feeling from some of my friends that they now chose what to do from how bloggable the activity is. I'd hate that, but I must admit that sometimes the thought crosses my mind: "This would make a great blog." Does the need for blog subjects sometimes direct you to activities that you would not otherwise have done? If so, is that bad or good?

Steph Schmidt said...

I'm grinning because the Dog Doo Karma finally hit our neighbor who allows his dogs to run wild with his doo doo (and sometimes even relieving himself on other's front doors). Karma via the Mailman & his withholding of their mail. I was never so happy to see the mailman the next day.


Jeannie, sorry to ruin peanut butter for you. My alternative was going to be hummus.

Alexa, we were in Hawaii back in December and I watched a mom sit down in the water in the snorkeling put-in area with her toddler. I wasn't terribly offended when she encouraged the kid to pee, but when she announced quite loudly that she'd just done so herself, I wanted to give her a good hard shove.

Candyland, are you regularly called upon to pick up people poo? Oh, right - you have a kid :)

Suz, Chewing Gum Karma is a serious issue indeed. Nothing worse than getting it stuck in your hair.

Judy, bird poo IS funny. How could anyone not laugh at that?

Beth, I'll have to go check out your karma post, thanks for the tip!

Elizabeth, remember that pic of the jellyfish I tweeted last week? The poo incident happened literally seconds after that.

Karin, LOL, I figured people would be sick of the blog stuff by now. Blogging does take time, but lots of people solve that by doing it only a few times a week or writing a week's worth of posts in advance & then scheduling them to go up each day. As far as whether I've ever deliberately chosen activities because they'd make good blog posts...nothing comes to mind immediately, though I do look at everyday occurrences differently. About an hour ago, my husband was shaving his legs in our jacuzzi tub. No, I'm not kidding, and yes, there's a reason for it. The pre-blogging me would have been annoyed and demanded that he scrub down the tub right away. The new me wanted to take a picture of the disgusting hair residue for a blog post. Of course, my husband is now keenly aware of my ulterior motives, and scrubbed the tub out before I could get there with my camera. Apparently, the threat of public embarrassment is enough to make a guy clean up after himself. Go figure.

SM Schmidt, I love your mailman. What a great idea!

Thanks for reading, guys!

Dr. Goose said...


I had a wonderful poop experience today with my 2 year old playing with his feces on the bed. This happened just when I was cleaning up a growing ant hill in our espresso machine. My kids think poop is the funniest thing on the planet.

"What do you want this guy to be named?"


"It can't be poop."

"Pee Pee!!" chuckle chuckle snort

Terry Stonecrop said...

Wow, that was instant karma for your husband! It would be like letting your shopping cart roll, and then on the way out it hits you. At least your husband didn't get dented.

Fun post!

Elizabeth Ryann said...

Um, of course I remember it. It nicely featured the pretty purple polish. And now I'm cracking up that karma apparently has a sense of humor. Or at least believes in fair warning about its sting.

Katt said...

Thankyou Thankyou...

Now when I am gagging into a kleenex while trying to pick up after my dog and I see someone else turning a blind eye to their hunched and grimacing canine, I will giggle to myself, knowing that Poo Karma will get'em in the end!

I confess, I try to wait until the business is done in the back yard where hubby is poop monitor, before I bring out the leash...

Claire Dawn said...

I almost choked trying not to laugh out loud at this!
Oh Peanut Butter!


Dr. Goose, since I knew you well as a small child, I can only say that your parents would call this "getting what you deserve."

Terry, no joke, we had a brief moment where we wondered if it was our own dog's business that just floated up the beach a few miles, but...uh...the size wasn't quite right.

Elizabeth, I thought of you last night when I changed out my toenail polish!

Katt, I've definitely been known to make sure the business is done at home (where scooping is part of hubby's pre-mowing ritual) instead of on a walk!

Claire Dawn, sorry if I ruined peanut butter for you :)

Thanks for reading, guys!

Elizabeth Ryann said...

Haha, I'm so touched, I'm practically NUMB.

(By Sean Ferrell, now in a store near you!)

Anonymous said...

I definitely believe in the Dog Doo Karma. When we got our yorkie a few months ago, I was scared to leave the poo on the ground. I was afraid some poo police would come and get me. More importantly, it's just not fun to clean poo from in between tiny toes, and I have four sets of those.

I generally treat everything in life that way. The golden rule and all that.

BTW... enjoyed all your posts on blogging. Much to think about. :)

Dr. Goose said...

(Sigh) I was hoping you wouldn't bring up the past. Where's the empathy?!?