Thursday, August 12, 2010

A birthday gift from Hot Lips

For much of my adult life, I've felt uncomfortable receiving presents.

(If you've already gone out and purchased the hippopotamus I asked for, don't worry – I'll still accept it).

Most of the time, I don't feel right accepting gifts. I already have the most amazing family on the planet, an incredible husband, a great house, and a really nice bra collection. I'd rather have people just donate their money to charity.

Sometimes though, a loved one will surprise me with something that makes me laugh so hard I totally get over myself and my aversion to gifts.

Case in point, here's the birthday card I received from my 80-year-old grandmother, the woman I've affectionately called Hot Lips for as long as I can remember:

And the inside of the card...

In case you can't read it, Hot Lips is asking me to take her with me to see the male strippers. Seriously, is she the coolest grandma in the world or what?

Then there's the gift. This is intended to hang next to my front door, something that will happen just as soon as I convince Pythagoras I wasn't requesting birthday nookie when I said, "can you please nail this?"

Suffice it to say, I've been giggling all morning.

What are some of your favorite birthday gifts? Did you ever get something so clever or so bizarre that you just have to share? Please do in the comments!

I'll be supervising the hammering.

Um, wait...


Michelle Wolfson said...

Happy birthday!!! I promise not to call. :)

Just so I know, about how many years will it take before you think I'm not cursed?

Sierra Godfrey said...

God your Grandma is cute.
What a treasure to still have her!
I know you know that.

Incidentally, I feel compelled to point out that the card used "insure" when it meant "ensure." This is no way is a reflection on Hot Lips, nor Hot Lips' ability to choose a great card (cause it's great), but rather a pedantic and admittedly obnoxious commentary on the misuse of the word "ensure."

Wait....I'm right on that, right? Cripes.

Linda G. said...

ROF,L! May I just say again how much I adore your grandmother? Would you consider renting her out? I promise I'd return her in reasonably good condition.

And Happy Birthday again! Have fun getting hammered. ;)

Elizabeth Ryann said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! That is awesome.

Kadi Easley said...

Happy Birthday!!
I haven't gotten a gift like that, but a few years ago I was working in Richland, Washington and I decided what my mom needed for Mother's day was a tumble weed. She'd never seen a real one and lord knows you couldn't take a step without tripping over one or drive a mile without hitting one with your car.

The gift was a huge hit. She squealed when she opened it and when she called to thank me she was still laughing. It was the best mother's day gift ever. I think I enjoyed it as much as she did.

Just a note--if you ever decide to mail a tumble weed, wear gloves while you are stuffing it in the box. Nobody told me they have stickers. :)

Patty Blount said...

I LOVE your grandma! How cute is this? Take me with you...

Love the gift, too. I actually did leash my kids when they were little. They outran me - usually in opposite directions - so it was the only way to keep them safe. Judge if you must.

Have a wonderful birthday.

Danica Avet said...

Happy Birthday here too! Your grandmother sounds like the best. Maybe she'd be interested in hitting the clubs with me?

My birthday was Sunday and when I checked my e-mail this morning, my sister had given me a gift card to Amazon. I was just about squealing with excitement. Books? For me??? Really? (Forget that I got another gift card on Sunday since I already used it...) It's an addiction. I think there's a program for it, but who wants to be cured of reading?

Lynda Elkin said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I got a tiny white g-string with a picture of Jesus and the caption "What would Jesus Do"? printed on the front of them. Still have them, can't bring myself to wear them though. :) If waxing hurts, I can't imagine being struck by lightening there.

abby mumford said...

Happy Birthday!

It sounds like cleverity and humorosity run in the family. And I'm sure the second part of the gift (the nailing part) was exactly what Hot Lips expected would happen.

Enjoy your day!

Dr. Goose said...

Daisy's grandmother was a compulsive hoarder and had 15 cats living in the maze of boxes and junk. She would box up items laying around her house for gifts. One Christmas I received a pot handle with cat hair attached. It was lovely.

Delia said...

Grandma's awesome. Happy Birthday.

Jessica Lemmon said...


Thank you *so* much for posting that - I needed the laugh! Now updating my bucket list:

-send awesomely funny card to a young 'un when I'm 80.

Kathryn Rose said...

Happy birthday, fellow Leo!

Nothing as funny as your Grandma's card, but I did get to go swimming with the dolphins in Cancun with my husband and my family for my 22nd birthday. That was pretty sweet. And slippery!

Anonymous said...

Geez. *My* grandmother never asks me to take her to see male strippers. I'll have to have a word with her about that.

Penelope said...

Happy Birthday!! What a sweet grandma with a fantastic sense of humor you have. :) Enjoy using the tools!

Regina said...

That was priceless. Sounds like great birthday gifts to me. My sister once tried to throw me a surprise birthday party once, but on my way into the restaurant I kept running into people I knew and it eventually gave things

Enjoy your day and your family.

lora96 said...

Your grandma sounds like mine. I adore her and want to be her when I grow up. When I was in college I dropped by her house, then said, I'm going to wal-mart can I bring you anything?

Without missing a beat she said, "You can bring me a good looking man and a sack of cash."


PS I love and adore presents. I want a sign like that. A lot.

Summer Frey said...

Your grandma is awesome! But I'm not surprised. :)

And I love that sign. I've seen and snickered at many similar ones.

Happy birthday! Looking forward to the meteor shower you've arranged for us all to enjoy.

Shadow said...

Happy birthday hon!

Grandma Hot Lips sounds like a blast. Wish I had one like her.

Have an awesome day!

Kadi Easley said...

My favorite sign in a coffee shop. "Unattended children will be give an espresso and a puppy".

Elizabeth Flora Ross said...

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great one! :)

Elizabeth Flora Ross said...

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great one! :)

Jen J. Danna said...

Your grandmother is absolutely awesome! May we all have that much spirit and spunk when we are that age.

Happy birthday!

Cherie Reich said...

Awesome card from your grandma!

Happy Birthday!!

Becky said...

Happy Birthday, Tawna! It sounds like your grandma is a hoot. The apple didn't fall far from the tree there!

Trina said...

I always keep my kids on a leash. How else would the dog walk them?
Happy Birthday!


Holy, cow...have been busy with birthday festivities all day, but thanks so much to all of you for making me feel even MORE festive!

Michelle, I'm kinda thinking I'll never answer the phone if you call on my birthday. How does that sound?

Sierra, yep, I noticed the ensure/insure thing as well, and I'm assuming that's why the card ended up at the Dollar Store (where grandma buys all her cards, as she should!)

Linda G, sure, I'll rent out Hot Lips. She doesn't like to fly. Will you consider traveling to Oregon & carrying her back to your place via rickshaw?

Elizabeth Ryann, thank you! Are you trying to rent my grandma, too?

KD Easley, too funny! In my marketing-geek life, I once coordinated a photo shoot for a company that wanted tumbleweeds in the pic. Though they're plentiful around here, I had never actually collected them & transported them in my car until that day. It's been 10+ years and I've still never gotten all the stickers out of my backseat.

Patty, it always seems a little odd to me when I see kids on a leash, but then I see youngsters that try to dart out in front of cars & think, "yep, I get it."

Danica, happy birthday! People can never go wrong w/ a gift of books.

Lynda, that's hysterical! I once bought political g-strings for every female member of the family that said, "read my lips - no more Bush." They were a hit.

Abby, you are correct - the apple didn't fall far from the tree :)

Dr. Goose, you made me snort ice water on my keyboard. Sounds like a scene from Nat'l Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation."

Delia, thank you! Grandma is indeed awesome!

Jessica, great idea! I should stock up on those cards to make sure I can send them to at least a dozen people in about 40 years.

Kathryn, oh, that does sound lovely!

Simon, that's because your grandma is too busy doing Jello shots with my grandma. She doesn't have time for you.

Penelope, Hot Lips is a trip, that's for sure!

Regina, the only surprise party anyone's tried to throw me went EXACTLY like that!

lora96, aren't spunky grandmas the best?

Summer, believe it or not, this was the first time I'd seen a sign like that. Cracked me up from the first moment I saw it.

Shadow, woah, it kinda tripped me out to have you comment right after Summer. Is this a bad omen?

KD Easley, funny, I saw that exact sign in a shoe shop just yesterday.

Elizabeth Flora Ross, thank you! I've been enjoying it so far.

Jen, heck, I hope to have half her spunk at half her age!

Cherie, I have a feeling she spent a long time finding exactly the right card. I think she succeeded!

Becky, Hot Lips is definitely a hoot. She doesn't seem to be slowing down much in her advanced years, either.

Trina, do they get biscuits for sitting & shaking, too?

Thanks for reading, guys!

inkgrrl said...

Happy Happy Happiest Birthday!

Sun isn't up so I hope this counts for the day and not belated :-)

Unknown said...

Ha! Your grandma is awesome! Happy Birthday! :)

Anonymous said...

I tried really hard this week to remember your birthday, and I still forgot. Ugh. Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And your grandma rocks!

ethan1066 said...

its my girlfriends birhtday coming week and i am still confuse about her birthday present..this time i want it to be special ..and memorable.

Jason said...

I absolutely love that sign! I need to get me one of those...or the one that says something about unsupervised children will be given a free puppy and an espresso (not my puppy, but some puppy).

Squeaky said...

i know it's a bit late, but happy birthday anyway! :D
just have to share, since you asked: the funniest (christmas) gift i ever received was from a friend who bought one for all of her girl friends. unwrapping a SheWee on Christmas morning had me laughing so hard that i almost had to use it! ;)

janettenoel said...

Tawna! How have I never read your blog. Holy awesome! I really needed this today.