Thursday, August 26, 2010

One person's pleasure is another person's crotch pain

Pythagoras is shopping for a new bike seat.

Apparently, his nose is pressing uncomfortably against his man nuggets (I’ll pause for a moment while you laugh as hard as I did at the fact that “nose” is the technical term for the front of a bike seat. Done? Let’s continue).

For those who don’t know, my husband is a fitness junkie. A competitive cyclist who recently branched into triathlons, his idea of “a quick bike ride” is 90 miles up the side of a mountain.

The seat on his tri-bike looks a bit like a medieval torture device. This is the one he currently trains on:

Looks painful, no?

So when he said he wanted a more comfortable one, I was picturing the banana seat from the Schwinn I had as a kid.

When he showed me the new seat he has in mind, I choked on my wine.

“That’s your idea of comfortable?” I demanded.

“It’ll shift the pressure to my sit-bones in the aero position,” he explained. “A lot of urologists recommend this type of saddle.”

“Didn’t they use something like that to torture Mel Gibson in Braveheart?”

He ignored me and went back to his online search for bike seats (or “saddles” as I’ve been told I should call them).

Obviously, the nomenclature of cycling isn’t the only thing I fail to grasp. I honestly don’t get how any of those seats can be deemed “comfortable,” but I suppose it’s all in the eye of the nut holder.

I’ve seen the way Pythagoras looks at me after I’ve spent twelve straight hours at my computer performing a complex ritual of blogging, tweeting, and writing several chapters of a manuscript.

“I’d kill myself if I had to do your job,” he told me once.

Hey, at least I don’t have a nose in my crotch, but I do see his point. What seems like torture to one person is another person’s idea of fun.

Do you have people in your life who see your pursuit of writing as the equivalent of sticking bamboo up your nostrils and soaking your face in grapefruit juice? Is there anyone close to you who enjoys something you cringe just watching? Please share in the comments.

I have to go confirm with my husband’s doctor that his new bike seat won’t render him useless to me.


Claire Dawn said...

"It's all in the eye of the nut holder." Yeah, people don't usually get me. Not just with writing. So I make it a point to hear everybody's point off view. Even if I think they're idiots. Because a lot of people think the same of me.

I wonder if you'd call Pythagarus' condition "nose nut"? Hmm...

Liz Reinhardt said...

My husband has read three books in his life total (and I think he's counting "Of Mice and Men" twice...because he read it twice). He is clueless about word counts; I have to grab a book and flip the pages and say, "I just finished a book this long." When I read them to him, he falls asleep. I don't take it too personally. He's not much of a reader, and, plus that, he says my voice is soothing. Sometimes I dream that I'm married to a Bohemian type poet who knows the perfect substitute word when I've used "awesome" too many times, or an English professor who peruses book stores with me because he likes to read, and not just giggle at the naughty parts in the modern photography books.

But, if I had that, I'd have to fight for my rightful place as resident writer/reader/knower of all things in books. And I might not have a guy who can change tires, fix engines, unclog sinks, pick excellent comedy movies a little less than half the time and inspire all of my sexy heroes.

Haha! Nose nut!

Patrick Alan said...

I'm pretty sure your dog or Sean Ferrell can fix that lack of nose in your crotch for 12 hours.

Oh, wait. I'm not reading or commenting on blogs this week. Or twittering.

If anyone asks, you didn't see me here.

Linda G. said...

*chokes on tea* Trying to think of a comment that doesn't sink me irretrievably into the gutter.

Uh...nope. Sorry, can't come up with one. I'll just assume YOU know what I'm thinking. ;)

Suzi McGowen said...

Do they still make "The Bummer"? That was a great saddle. Probably not aerodynamic enough for your husband, though.

In our house, it's cooking. If I had to cook every day, we'd eat out. Fortunately, my husband loves cooking. I love eating. We're very happy.

Jessica Lemmon said...

*cough! choking on coffee*

"In the eye of the nut holder" OMG, LOL and LMAO, ROFL and whatever other acronyms you'd like to toss in there.

My mom told me that once - "How do you... you know... SIT there all day?"

Meanwhile she's either repainting (kill me), picking green beans or tomatoes (no thank you) or sanding down and restaining a dresser (are you KIDDING?!)

Definitely experienced both sides of that!

Matthew MacNish said...

Is that new recommended seat supposed to look like a vulva? Maybe that's why he likes it?

My girlfriend is a waitress at a fancy steak house. I could never do that for a living. I think I hate people too much or something.

Alexa O said...

When I told my family I started a blog, they all gave me blank stares and said, "Huh?"

Then, "Do we have to *read* it?

The last time I talked to my dad, he said, "I still don't understand what a blog is."

But it's OK. My sister is a buyer for children's apparel at a major department store. The clothes are cute, but when she starts talking about SKUs... ugh. Gag me with a spoon.

But lobster claw nose nut saddles? I don't think ANY of us understand that one!

Danica Avet said...

OMG...that was wonderful *dies laughing*

Okay, okay...phew. Actually, just this week my sister invited me to do the mani-pedi thing with her. I love getting my nails done, but I had to turn her down. Not only do I have a candle party to go to (yes, candles), but I want to go to the coffeeshop first thing in the morning to get some writing done. She told me and I quote: "Oh, I see how it is. You're getting all artsy-fartsy hanging out at the coffeeshop and smelling candles. Now you have no time for your sister."

Heartbreaking, no? But I actually find the hours I spend hunched over my computer relaxing and freeing. Probably more so than a mani-pedi because at least no one's tickling my feet.

Trisha Leigh said...

"It's all in the eye of the nut holder."

You could sell that. Seriously.

Anyone who has to do anything that involves math on a daily. One of my friends is studying to take the CPA exam. He told me each practice session is an hour and a half. I believe my exact words were, "that is truly horrifying."

Kadi Easley said...

You should get a tee shirt, "It's all in the eye of the nut holder."

Still snickering about that. My problem isn't lack of interest, it's too much interest. People in my family are always asking are you writing today? When's your next book coming out? I can't wait to get your new book.

It's lovely, but a little daunting. Sometimes their good will and wishes terrify me into a standstill. Then I have to take a break and do a big project of some kind. Once that's finished, I'm refreshed and ready to write even with an overload of good wishes.

KatOwens: Insect Collector said...

my husband builds barns, and while i think that's cool, I don't have the skill, strength, or desire to figure out how all the beams need to be cut to actually fit together. I peaked at legos.

he does use a tool called the boring machine, though, which makes me giggle every time.

Anonymous said...

I've wanted a Selle Italia saddle with the cutout in the middle for, like, ever. My current one's a Fi'z'ik ass-hatchet.

And I *have* heard a nasty rumor that excessive cycling can impair blood flow to certain...areas. But I don't go on 90 mile rides, so I don't think I have to worry about that. Win!'s the time I should make an obligatory mention of writing. Writing. There. My work here is done.


Claire Dawn, bwahahahahaha! Nose nut! I'm cracking up here.

elizabethreinhardt, your husband and mine might be related! Pythag is a super smart guy, but he's not someone who ever sits down & reads a book just for fun (with a tiny handful of exceptions, one of which he's currently reading -- IN THE SHADOW OF FREEDOM). But you're exactly right -- what fun would it be to be married to someone who's your clone?

Patrick, I'm not speaking to you. You've met my agent and I haven't. You are dead to me.

Linda G, when discussing bike seats, is there really anywhere to go that ISN'T the gutter?

Suzi, we do have bigger, cushier seats on our tandem bike, but for racing/training, it's apparently necessary to have something that looks & feels as uncomfortable as possible.

Jessica, ugh, I'm with you on abhorring all those tasks. Give me a keyboard & a monitor any day of the week!

Matthew, OMG, I told him the vulva thing as soon as I read your comment. "Huh," he said. "I never thought of that. He makes a good point." There you go.

Alexa, totally cracking up over your "lobster nose nut saddle" comment. That would be an excellent marketing campaign.

Danica, it is my dream to someday have someone sitting under my desk giving me a pedicure while I write.

Trisha, you know, that "nut holder" comment was one of those things I tossed in and thought, "I should probably take that out, it's kinda lame." Probably the best thing about this blog for me is seeing how many people respond to lines I'm not sure will get any laughs.

KD, you took the words right out of my mouth with this: "Sometimes their good will and wishes terrify me into a standstill."

KO, hey, what are the odds you & KD would comment right in a row like that? I like the sound of the boring machine. I could use a little boring in my day from time to time.

Simon, ass hatchet? Love it! I'm going to have to start writing this stuff down.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Rhonda said...

Is he sure that's a bike seat because I'm fairly sure I saw something just like it at the hospital and words like "probe" and "general anesthesia" were used. I'm just sayin...but then again, I'd hook up a Lazy Boy as my bike seat if I could figure out a way to do it.

My hubs is an electronics technician but that's not just his job, it's what he DOES. He practically eats, sleeps and breathes electronics. He would rather poke his own eye out than read anything more involved than a cereal box but he made a remote car starter out of an old remote controlled car...when he was 16 years old. If it's electronic, he can build it, trouble shoot it and fix it. (which is also why, until two years ago, we had a side loading VCR that could only handle 25 channels. And our tv? belonged to his grandmother and was rescued out of a house fire...sigh)

Taymalin said...

I've never understood the appeal of gardening. The few times I've done any weeding, I ended up with a sore back, bloody fingers, heat exhaustion and dirt everywhere. No thanks. I'd much rather be indoors, with my computer.

lora96 said...

Why would he want what I can only call a winkie-pincer?

My husband read the entire 9/11 Commission Report and took notes. For fun. While working full time driving a bus and going to college. I fell asleep sitting straight up when I tried to read Madame Bovary for a class. I capital-L LOVE to read but not technical, informative books! Toothpick in the eye, seriously.

I have a friend who bikes 80 miles a day on weekends. In the heat. Or the cold. On purpose.

I only run when chased by a big bad dog. This sort of exertion as a hobby is mysterious to me.

As a teacher I hear a lot of I could NEVER do what you do. I hear it more when I tell someone that I write. Evidently writing has an excruciating reputation akin to the rack, the Gestapo, the oeuvre of Kate Hudson.

Becky said...

I have a friend who does something mysterious and technical for geologists. My eyes glaze over pretty quickly when she talks about her work. But she's also a great writer and critique partner, and she puts up with me blathering about knitting, which has the same effect on her that geology has on me. So it all evens out.

Although a hobby and not a profession, many people are baffled by the sticks and string. Meh. I'll just keep knitting. If they get obnoxious about it, I've got a nice pointy weapon, as soon as I finish this row.

Trina said...

Tell Pythag to up the miles and stay in the saddle (even if it looks like a vulva) on those grinders.

My experience has been that it doesn't affect the important function of the peeper -- but has been rumored to reduce sperm count. From what I gather (and sometimes most admire) about you is that you're not interested in the little miracles that sperm is known to cause. You may be onto something.

My fifteen-year-old little miracle just told me that my "genre is stupid and boring." Over a hundred million sperm a shot, and I got impregnated with the smart-ass one.

(not to make him seem too bad -- he thought he was being funny. Being the good mom I am, I acted totally hurt. He's currently doing the dishes on his own accord. Guilt Rules!!!)

sheri said...

You need to take the bike seat seriously; my cousin got what they called sleepy peepee from his bike seat. Pretty sure you don't want Pythagoras to get that!


Rhonda, your husband sounds like a handy guy to have around!

Taymalin, I can't stand the weed pulling aspect of gardening, and I'm not big on flowers, but I do love growing veggies. Nothing like standing in your own garden eating cherry tomatoes right off the vine!

lora96, winkie pincer?!?! I'm totally writing that on a piece of tape & sticking it to the bike seat when it arrives.

Becky, I've always wished I had the patience to learn to knit. Alas, it's not something I'll ever attempt.

Trina, sheesh, you mean we didn't need to drop all that money on the vasectomy?

Sheri, I just told Pythag about "sleepy peepee." He looked suitably mortified. He did, however, want me to assure everyone that the seat he's selected is highly recommended by urologists.

Thanks for reading, guys!

Anonymous said...

Choked on my salad when I saw that picture.

Unknown said...

OUCH!!! The new one looks much more uncomfortable then the old one!! Instead of just one point, we now have two!! One for each side! *Shutters and spills my Root Beer*

Patty Blount said...

Ok, seldom-shared patty fact: I HATE riding my bike because er - certain parts of my anatomy fall asleep.

Trust me - pins and needles THERE is not a pleasurable sensation.

So, my question for Pythag - is that urologist-recommended 'saddle' appropriate for women, or only those with noses in their nuts?