Tuesday, January 3, 2012

On dog puke, candy canes, and my new life

At least once a week, I'm struck by how different my life is now than it was a year ago. I currently share my home with three grown men, five cats, and a dog.

It goes without saying the conversations taking place under this roof are a bit different than they were 12 months ago.

Like this one that occurred last night when my gentleman friend and I returned from grocery shopping to find the two 27-year-old housemates seated at the dining room table eating barbecue chicken:

HOUSEMATE 1: (to me) Your dog threw up.

HOUSEMATE 2: A lot. It was like something out of the exorcist. You wouldn't believe how much liquid came out of such a small animal.

ME: (scrambling to put down the groceries so I could inspect the dog. She was prancing around the kitchen with her tail wagging, in no apparent distress). Are you OK, baby? What's the matter? Is your tummy upset?

HOUSEMATE 1: It was a lot of puke. Like a lake.

HOUSEMATE 2: It took a whole roll of paper towels to clean it up.

ME: Was there blood in it? Has she been acting sick? Have you fed her anything unusual today?

In case you wondered what
broiled candy cane looks like.
No, I won't show you the puke.

HOUSEMATE 1: We made her eat a candy cane afterward. She had puke breath.

HOUSEMATE 2: Then we put a candy cane under the broiler to see if it would melt.

HOUSEMATE 1: It did.

GENTLEMAN FRIEND: (making an effort to be supportive) Was there anything in the puke or was it just liquid?

HOUSEMATE 1: Want to see a picture? It's on my camera upstairs.

HOUSEMATE 2: Wait, I've got one here on my phone.

ME: You both took pictures of the puke?

GENTLEMAN FRIEND: Is this why the snow shovel is on the porch? Did you try to shovel the puke?

HOUSEMATE 1: Check it out, look at this picture.

ME: Oh, geez. (To gentleman friend) Would you mind starting dinner? I think I need to write all this in a blog post right now and get it up fast.

GENTLEMAN FRIEND: You said "get it up fast."

HOUSEMATE 1: Knock on wood.

HOUSMATE 2: You said wood.

Yes, this is my life now.

I'm pretty damn happy about that.

15 comments :

Sarah W said...

You know, broiled candy canes look a lot like cat puke.

Just saying.

Jennifer X said...

If this isn't reality series material, I don't know what is! Love it!

K.B. Owen said...

I hope the dog is okay!

Linda G. said...

LOL! Only you, Tawna. So, is your dog okay?

Patty Blount said...

*dies laughing*

Kelsey said...

Oh my god. LOL. Can I come visit you?

Bethany Elizabeth said...

Strange how life works out, isn't it? :)

The Sprouting Acorn said...

"We made her eat a candy cane...She had puke breath."
ROFLMFAO!!!

KD Easley said...

Best post I've read in a while. Reminds me of conversations in my house when my boys were teenagers. I miss it. You're lucky.

Sarah Allen said...

Ha! That is amazing. You guys have way too much fun over there :)

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

Missy Olive said...

uh.....3 adult male room mates? did you think you could just slip that by?

Perhaps I missed the announcement in a previous post. I apologize if I did.

I also noticed that your man friend has a daughter. I HIGHLY recommend a book that I just finished.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108500.The_Single_Girl_s_Guide_to_Marrying_a_Man_His_Kids_and_His_Ex_Wife

Tawna Fenske said...

Don't worry, everyone....the dog is totally fine. The housemate who babies her the most just returned from a two week vacation, and I suspect he fed her a bunch of table scraps and then took her to the park to fetch for an hour. If that's not a puke-inducing combination, I don't know what is!

LOL, Missy Olive...can't sneak much by you guys, huh? I wondered if anyone would pick up on that. Yes, my gentleman friend is now there full-time, and his kids (two, in fact) are there part-time. I'm trying to preserve a bit of privacy for all involved, so I'll likely keep those kinds of mentions to a minimum, but I think it's hilarious you noticed. And thanks for the book suggestion! I'm definitely going to nab that!

Tawna

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

So did the guys TRY to melt the candy cane into a demented cock-and-balls sort of shape, or is that just how things happen in your household?

Par for a very strange and crooked course there, Ms. Fenske.

bettyfokker said...

Martha Stewart recommends that candy canes be poached, not broiled, whenever one is serving them hot. Jeez, it's like they don't CARE.

Laura M Kolar said...

I'm laughing so hard I have tears! Funniest thing ever (except for maybe Making Waves, that was pretty funny too) :)