Monday, August 16, 2010

On lost jewelry & crotch pockets

I’ve worn a ring on the thumb of my right hand since I was 10.

The habit started after my kid brother bought me a cheap ring at a garage sale and my thumb was the only digit big enough to keep it on.

Though I’ve cycled through a few different rings since then, my current configuration consists of one silver ring Pythagoras gave me when we moved to this town 13 years ago, and a second ring my brother gave me that’s still too big and must be worn with the other to keep it on.

There’s sentimental value attached to both, so you can imagine my frustration when I looked down Sunday morning to discover they’d vanished.

Well, vanished isn’t the right word. Flushed is more accurate, but I’m getting to that.

Pythagoras and I were visiting my parents, and we were all headed out for a hike. Since I’m not overly fond of squatting to pee in the woods, I dashed inside for one last potty break before we left.

I should note that the rings make a distinctive “clink” when they connect in a pocket or on a counter.

I vaguely recall hearing the “clink” as I zipped up, flushed, and turned to wash my hands. That’s when I realized the rings were gone. I fished in my pockets.

Nothing.

I checked the floor.

Nothing

I peered into the toilet.

Gone. My rings were gone.

I knew exactly what had happened. Since the rings sometimes slip off when my hands are cold, I was certain they’d fallen into the toilet as I hurried to unbuckle and unzip.

And I also knew from an earlier experience losing a watch down the same toilet, that the odds of me retrieving flushed valuables were about the same as the odds of me growing a penis and enjoying the convenience of peeing upright.

I trudged out to the car with a heavy heart, trying not to think of the lost rings while we hiked (though I’ll admit they crossed my mind when I had to stop and tinkle in the woods after all).

I tried not to think of the rings at lunch when I missed their clink against my silverware.

I tried to pretend my thumb didn’t look naked every time I caught sight of it that afternoon, and even bought a cheap replacement just so I wouldn’t rub off my own knuckle feeling for the missing rings.

When we got ready to leave my parents’ house, I made a final trip to the little girls’ room.

That’s when I heard the “clink.”

I looked around. I peered under the sink, behind the toilet.

Nothing.

I frisked myself from head to toe.

Still nothing.

I sat back down.

Clink.

And that’s when I noticed.

If you’re familiar with women’s undergarments, you know that regardless of style or fabric, there is a patch of cotton stitched into the crotch area.

Prior to this moment, I had never paid attention to the aforementioned stitching. Had I paid attention, I might have noticed that the makers of said undergarments occasionally opt not to stitch all the way around the cotton.

On this particular pair, a two inch span at the top was left unstitched. You’ll have to use your imagination, as I prefer to limit the number of underwear photos I post on this blog, but picture it as a sort of crotch pocket. Got it?

Now guess where the rings were.

Don’t spend too much time guessing. Also, don’t spend too much time trying to figure out how I went 8 hours not noticing two rings hidden in the crotch of my underwear. I’m still mulling that one myself.

The important thing is, I have my rings back. I also have a nifty new pocket that should come in handy if I need an extra place to store valuables.

Have you ever lost something and then found it again? It doesn’t have to be in your underwear – it’s probably best if it’s not – but please share in the comments.

I’ll be busy trying to figure out how I can capitalize on this if I become a jewel thief.

37 comments :

Kristie Cook said...

ROFL That is too funny. I happen to know someone (not my hubs!!) who lost his motorcycle key after a particularly bad night at a rally. He had to hotwire the bike the next morning to get home, thinking it was gone forever. On the way, he stopped for a potty break and found the key in his underwear. Like you and your rings, I just can't figure out how he didn't notice while sitting on a bike for so many hours!

Bookewyrme said...

Tawna, I love your blog, it always makes me giggle, but this post...Let's just say I haven't giggled that hard for a while. It is possible I should have visited the little girl's room before reading though! :D

I am perpetually losing things, and frequently they'll turn up again in a few months (or years). It's actually gotten to the point that I no longer look very hard for things unless it's something I have to have RIGHT NOW for some reason. We're still searching for my husband's wedding ring, actually. We figure, either it emigrated permanently to Egypt, or it'll turn up when we move out of this house...Hopefully the latter. *Sigh*

~Lia

Matthew Rush said...

This is almost too ridiculous to believe, but knowing it's you, that makes it impossible NOT to believe, and therefore all that much more hilarious!

Thanks for sharing that Tawna!

Alexa O said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexa O said...

I once opened a box of Always--you know, the kind where each maxipad is lovingly wrapped in its own pink envelope--pulled out a pad and opened the envelope to find... a pair of silver heart earings.

How did they get there? To whom did the belong? Were they put there by the maxipad god(dess)?

To this day I cannot open an Always pad without wondering what I might find...

Do you think they could use that in an ad campaign?

Linda G. said...

LOL! Only you, Tawna.

And now, of course, I am beset by a sudden need to go see if my panties have a crotch pocket too. Jewel thief sounds like a fun occupation to me, if this writing thing doesn't work out.

Patty Blount said...

OMG, so lucky for that pocket!

I'm glad you found your rings.

Yes, I have a lost jewelry story.

I lost the diamond out of my engagement ring the night before we moved. I was busy packing and also doing all the laundry, so we wouldn't confuse clean clothes from dirty ones after the move.

I finally climbed into bed that night, looked down and saw a gaping hole where my diamond used to live.

My heart crumbled. My husband and I got married very young (I was 19, he was 22). We picked out that ring together, in Manhattan's diamond district. It was a round one carat stone set in a white gold Tiffany setting.

I hopped out of bed. My husband was working, so I spent the night unpacking and then repacking the boxes I'd taped shut that evening.

No diamond. How was I going to explain to him that I'd lost the diamond, the one that took him months to pay for?

I frantically called home. My mom, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend drove out to Long Island from NYC (an hour) to help me search.

I went through all the laundry and then something clicked. The washing machine! I hopped in the car and drove to the apartment complex laundry room, checked the machines I'd used.

No diamond.

I then searched every square inch of ground between my apartment and the laundry room. On my hands and knees. At three AM. Using only my headlights for illumination.

Reinforcements arrived by 4.

My sister's boyfriend found the stone inside one of the washing machine's draining holes on the side of the tub. He shined a light inside it and the glint caught his attention.

Had that stone been just a few points smaller, it would have been rinsed away. I had the stone reset into a different ring, this time with six prongs holding it instead of four.

I usually wear my engagement ring every day but I noticed the gold is bent. Until I can get it fixed, it is safely at home. I won't risk that again!

Patty Blount said...

It's me again. The crotch pocket reminded me of another story, this time, nothing to do with jewelry.

I was at a birthday party for my little neighbor, sitting and talking with other guests. I had this profound itch from the crease where thigh meets er... groin. I went to the powder room, saw a bit of irritation, but no cause. I returned to the party and instantly, grew uncomfortable all over again.

I excused myself once more, examined my undergarments for a plastic price tag or something that could explain this itch. Nothing.

People noticed and suggested I check for tics, check for this, check for that. I was mortified, and imagined having to offer explanations to my friend for all the questions she was likely to get: "Who was that woman with the ITCH you invited?"

It got so bad, I had to leave the party early. I went home, stripped, hopped in the shower, spread cream on the site and felt fine.

When I tossed my clothes into the hamper, I heard a sound that cotton shouldn't make. A loud, heavy sound. I removed the panties and this time, just under the leg elastic, found one of those tiny sticky balls caught inside - a burr.

I have no idea how it got into clean clothes but suspect two teenage boys may have had something to do with it.

Nick's birthday is next week; you can bet people will ask me about my itch.

Danica Avet said...

Tawna, I love you. *cries* I'm laughing so much right now! Oh man...That was the best. *deep breath*

I wear thumb rings too. I used to wear rings on my thumbs and ring fingers, but after a while, the thumb ring was the only one to remain. I feel naked without it. It's also the only spot on my body that sports a tanline (so I can prove that I do leave my cave now and then).

I haven't really lost anything to find it in a weird spot. I did drop some change in the toilet once when I was in school. It was my snack money and I was devestated. Luckily, one of the other girls at school had absolutely no problem with putting their hand in the toilet. She got my change and I think I bought her a snack cake. I can't remember. I was more concerned about washing my quarters than anything else.

Elizabeth Ryann said...

That is awesome! I've always wondered what the crotch pocket is for. I love learning new things.

kd easley said...

Wow, I never thought of actually using the crotch pocket as a well pocket. What horizon's you've opened up.

Thanks for the laugh, Tawna. Wish I had a lost and found story to share.

Kay Richardson said...

I don't believe this. I do believe this. I am confused. I may cut out all of my trouser pockets as a consequence.

Sierra Godfrey said...

So...hang on. The rings did or did not fall into the toilet, leaving you to fish them out?

Michaele Stoughton said...

You are hilarious! And FYI, the crotch pocket holds a lipstick perfectly.

But now, on a sad note...
It was 1981. I was in Jr. High. I left Mrs. Kello's math class, to go to the bathroom. And when I leaned over to flush, my gold snake chain belt (which I apparently hadn't fastened properly) slipped off. It never had a chance, as the water was already swirling.
I returned to class, and my BFF said, "What's wrong? You look like you're gonna cry."
She still brings it up -- almost thirty years later.
And it still makes me wanna cry.

Jessica Lemmon said...

HA HA HA! Thanks for the laugh - I am so glad you found them.

I took to wearing my Dad's wedding band on my thumb (my parents are divorced) in my Senior year of HS and lost it in the parking lot at school. (PUKE) I'd do anything to have that back, but que sera, it is gone.

You are lucky indeed - crotch pocket, that's a great term LOL

Shadow said...

Twana, oh my goodness, so very funny! (yes this is getting posted to all of my friends.)

Dr. Goose said...

I have heard of crotch rockets but not crotch pockets. That was great.

Since my dad was an electrician he did not always wear his wedding ring to work. In third grade my sister took it to school for show and tell. Never saw it again. Maybe the teacher needed the money.

Clever Betty said...

My brother bought me a stick pin that I loved. It was made of soap stone and it was a moon and stars. I lost it while traveling but I figured out where. I called the gas station where I thought it was. It was indeed there. I picked it up (about an hour and fifteen minutes from home.) I was so happy to find it.
Unfortunately I have since lost it again and this time I have no idea where it is.
Sad...
Your blog was funny as usual. Crotch pocket, huh? I'll have to look for that.

Larissa said...

The awesomest things happen to you...

Candyland said...

OMG!!! Only you, Tawna. Thanks for making me pee a little this mundane Monday afternoon, lol!!!!

bettyfokker said...

Greatness!

The Sprouting Acorn said...

LOL!! You kill me!

I lost a cell phone once. Well, kinda. It was ringing, and I was running from room to room looking for it. When it quit ringing, I looked down only to find it had been in my hand the entire time. Some may say what was really lost was my mind. :)

kristina said...

Alas, I have no fun crotch pocket stories. But I do know about the effect of cold temperatures on fingers.

I once had the "pleasure" of working for one of those home interiors kinds of places - the kind that you spend too much time in a you come home smelling of those gawd-awful sachets they sell.

Anyhoo, I got home one night and my wedding band was missing. To be clear, it was actually the "promise ring" my husband's college girlfriend gave him which I was wearing until I could get the prongs fixed on my wedding set.

Husband and I laughed over the Freudian aspect of me losing a ring given him by and ex.

About a month later a customer brought it back - it was inside a towel she purchased from me. :)

lora96 said...

Awesome! Always wondered why the manufacturers don't sew that little flap of cotton down...clearly it is a storage facility!!!!

About a month after we got married, my husband lost his wedding ring. The wide white gold one that set me back $500. You know, the uninsured one. He wore it to do the mowing and trimming and lost it "somewhere in the yard maybe".

Fast forward through FOUR DAYS of checking sink drains, trash bags, laundry, and trying to borrow a metal detector from a relative after combing the large grassy lawn (in hot July) for days.

Lo and behold, I took the miniature poodle outside for a walk and he pulled his cinder block routine wherein he Will. Not. Budge. So I pulled on the leash, coaxed, muttered, only to find him rooting around in the grass insistently because he had found the ring!

A few days ago my friend called and said, I may need your dog my ring's missing.
She had conducted a large scale search only to discover her husband had swiped the ring, taken it to the jewelry store and exchanged it for an upgraded, much fancier ring for their anniversary.

No crotch punchline, but a good story.

Leona said...

Wow. I was laughing hard but trying not to cuz husband still asleep when I read this. (He works swings right now and baby kept us up til 430-5 then woke up at 7 with teeth pain which caused him to scream for hour until teething tablets kicked in) so, whew! LOL

My story. Hmmm. There are so many of them. True story. I will tell the latest. The one that gets my teenagers laughing even harder than finding my keys in the fridge at least twice a year.

A few weeks ago, my phone fell out of my back pocket into the toilet. I quickly fished it out, nearly peeing my pants in the process, thankful that I hadn't gone yet. I put it in rice and it was okay. However, the pink screen thing it had started doing got worst. I decided to wait to get a new phone. I was almost eligible for free new phone (few months is all) and I didn't care that much.

Well, over the course of the next two weeks, I must have dropped my phone five times. Then, one day, we can't find it. I finally find it in a basket of laundry. Everytime I slid it open to keyboard, metallic parts came out from behind the screen. Not a good sign. Even I had to admit, I needed a new phone. Immediately.

I used my husbands free phone (I still don't understand how that happened since I got my other phone first! but that's another story).

Less than a week later, I kid you not, my phone is GONE. I'd had it and it was gone. When we tried to call it, it went straight to voicemail. How could it be dead? I had just charged it!

Two days passed, and NO PHONE. I wanted to cry. I actually liked this phone. I could check both emails, look at blogs from twitter links, and it still did all the texting I liked doing.

Then, out of the blue, I remembered I was holding it when I dug out the peanut butter. I have a son greatly allergic to peanuts, so it is hidden from everyone (yes, that includes hubs) so I can make sure bleach is used in clean up.

I jump up, and scour the cupboards that we had already checked about 10 times. It was under the Splenda. And, I had managed to hit it just right so it turned off the phone.

Talented, I know. :D

Tawna Fenske said...

Kristie, I was going to make a comment about some people having less sensitive crotches than others, but it just seemed rude. So pretend I didn't just write that, OK?

Bookwyrme, usually it's my husband who loses things, so I was a little surprised it was me this time!

Matthew, I figured this was one of the posts people would read & think "she totally makes this stuff up." Sadly, nope.

Alexa, that is HYSTERICAL! I once ordered a bunch of kitchen chairs that showed up packaged & sealed in individual boxes. I opened one to discover a carburetor. No joke, a carburetor from a car. I called the company and they were perplexed. They didn't even sell car parts, so no one had a clue how it got there.

Linda G, you must report back about the crotch pockets. I'll admit, I went and checked all of mine after the incident. Amazing how many have crotch pockets. WTF?

Patty, holy crap! I cannot believe you found a freakin' diamond in a washing machine. Talk about needle in a haystack! Or a burr in your underwear, whatever.

Danica, eeeew on buying snack cakes with toilet money. I don't know why that seems so icky, but it does. How long have you worn a thumb ring? Drives you nuts to be without it, doesn't it? Much more than any of my other rings, including my wedding ring.

Elizabeth, seriously, is it lazy stitching or is there some hygiene reason they do it? I really can't figure it out.

KD Easley, I've been known to stuff money in my bra when we're traveling in unsafe areas, but this crotch pocket really opens up new horizons for me.

Kay, I buy lots of secondhand trousers and can never figure out why people cut the pockets out of them sometimes. Now I know :)

Sierra, are you being funny, or are you drinking before noon again? :)

Michaele, how very fashionable you would be if only you had that snake chain belt.

Jessica, don't you wonder where it ended up? I had a passport stolen once, and to this day, I wonder who's out there using it.

Shadow, I hope your friends enjoy my humiliation. I know mine do.

Dr. Goose, oh yikes! Bet your dad was pissed!

Clever Betty, don't lose hope. I have a pair of earrings I've lost for months at a time but always seem to find again.

Larissa, "awesomest" is one way to describe it. "Weird" is another.

Candyland, I live to make you pee.

Bettyfokker, now you have a new place to store your valuables, huh?

The Sprouting Acorn, I don't want to admit how many times I've done that (hint: lots).

kristina, I can't believe you wore a ring from your husband's ex. That's even funnier than getting it back!

lora96, you could make a big profit with a dog like that!

Leona, so you have a phone possessed by the devil? Why do you want it back?

Thanks for reading (and laughing at me) guys!

Tawna

Trina said...

Great story, Tawna! I'm like Bookewyrme, I lose everything. All the time. But one thing sticks out.
About a year ago I was visiting family in rural Florida where I grew up. My aunt comes up and hands me something. It's my class ring from 198..something. I didn't even know I'd lost it. Apparently she was cleaning out the inoperable, tireless 1970 Duster that my sister had bequeathed to a cousin a decade or so ago and found it under the seat. Brought back a lot of memories. Hung it from a little pirate in my man's car. It was fun to look at until my daughter got hold of it and... yep, lost it.
My husband was mad about it. I'm so used to losing things I rarely attach sentimental value to anything loseable (most notably, my mind). Maybe it'll turn up some day in the crotch of someone's underwear.

Trina

Patrick Alan said...

OMG! Guess what I found in my underwear!!!!!!

Jan Markley said...

That's an ... interesting ... story. Thanks for sharing ;-j

Jamie Grey said...

Tawna, can I just tell you that you are my favorite blog :) I always leave giggling after reading your posts!

And I always wondered what those little pouches were for! Now I see where they'd come in handy ;-)

Danica Avet said...

Tawna, I was 10! Nothing's too gross for snacks...well, some things are, but I washed it! lol

I've worn a thumb ring for...well hell, I don't know it's been that long. It's my mood equalizer. I flip it over and around my thumb when I'm nervous or bored. If I somehow forget to put it on in the morning, I panic a bit. I've gone through about 3 of them (the others either being stolen or lost) and I can't live without it.

Christina Auret said...

I once lost my school shoes (uniforms suck). I could not find them anywhere and had to wear and old pair to school. I found them that evening under my pillow.

I still do not know why I made my bed then hid my shoes from myself, but I am happy to report that the incident never repeated.

MK said...

either the perspective on that photo is funny, or you have the biggest thumbs i've ever seen

Tawna Fenske said...

Trina, crazy story about the lost-found-lost ring! I have faith it'll turn up again someday.

Patrick, thank you for that. I'm going to go scrub my eyes with bleach now.

Jan, you know you totally went and checked all your underwear for crotch pockets :)

Jamie, aw, thanks! Giggling is always good (unless you're doing it at a funeral).

Danica, since I've been wearing TWO thumb rings for the last few years, I have all sorts of new ways to fiddle with mine now. I don't mess with my other rings much, but the thumb rings provide endless hours of entertainment.

Christina, my husband does stuff like that ALL THE TIME. Drives me nuts.

MK, LOL, I actually have really small hands, thumbs included. I just shot that from a weird angle. Taking pictures of one's own thumb is truly an art!

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Vicki Rocho said...

(candyland sent me over)

Hysterical! Greatest thing I read today.

I lose things all the time. I just blame it on my mom's ghost. Is that wrong? LOL

Anne said...

Holy crap that's hilarious. Ha!

Shakespeare said...

So funny! So glad I found your blog!