Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things in my garage that sound dirty but probably aren't

Yesterday, I went out to the garage to find...actually, I have no idea what I was looking for. It's the garage, so the odds of me ever finding what I'm after are the same as the odds I'll give up romance writing in favor of drafting texts on quantum harmonic oscillators.

Sometimes I like to just walk out there and stare at the shelves while scowling because that's what I see Pythagoras do from time to time (after which he stalks off to Home Depot to buy something else to set on the shelves and scowl at).

So there I was, staring and scowling, when I noticed that nearly everything on these shelves sounds dirty. Don't believe me? Consider the evidence:
I wasn't aware I had a stripper in my garage, let alone America's #1 stripper. I feel so fortunate.
Spray lubricant? Because sometimes the tube or the bottle just isn't quick enough?
You know, I think I just won't touch this one.
And here I was naively trusting Pythagoras' vasectomy to keep me safe, and all along we've had miracle impregnator on the premises? 
I don't know about you, but I'm pleased to know my wood finish penetrates. Not so happy about the staining, however.
So there are just a few things in my garage that sound dirty but probably aren't. Do you have similar products lying around your house? I challenge you to look at them in a new (and preferably demented) light.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rifle through the bathroom drawers. There's gotta be something good in there.

32 comments :

Caitlin said...

I have this sudden and powerful urge to go read all the labels in my garage now.

Sierra Godfrey said...

LOVE IT! What a filthy collection of items! I must say I do enjoy that you look for the filth in everything...I thought it was just me!

What I like especially is the order of items presented...first you strip, then you lube,then you clean the rim, then you ...ahh Wood Finish belongs here, to penetrate, then impregnate. Beautiful. You've written an erotic romance in industrial materials.

Alexa O said...

Hilarious!

When I lived in Asheville, NC, it was a neverending source of amusement for me that "Asheville Hose" was located right next to "Asheville Screw and Bolt."

Who knew specialty hardware stores could be so intriguing?

*giggle!*

Linda G. said...

LOL! Well, I do have some "wood polish" around here somewhere, and I think TG has a "ball washer" in his golf bag. That do you? ;)

Elizabeth Ryann said...

There's a lot of wood in my garage. Don't know who it belongs to. Does that count?

Lynda Elkin said...

I feel dirty. :)

Patty Blount said...

Not so much in the garage. My boys laugh at me because I keep seeing the hidden x-rating in sports celeb's names.

Don't believe me? These names induce belly laughs in me:

AJ Almondinger (NASCAR)
Jeff Beukeboom (NHL)
John Oduya, whose name the commentators pronounce as "I'll do ya"


There are more, but I am already snickering at work.

Margaret said...

You have such a unique outlook on life, Tawna. It's fun to sit over your shoulder.

Pamala Knight said...

LOL!!

You're my new hero! 'Scuse me, HEROINE!

Awesome post.

Candyland said...

You dirty, dirty kitten.

Christina Auret said...

You really can find something amusing anywhere.

Vast sections of mechanical design class was spent discussing, or at least mentioning, male and female parts.

The fact that most original mechanical engineers were male was very clear.

All things that slot in are referred to as male and all things that are slotted into, female.

Terms like male screw thread raised snickers all semester long. What made this cute instead of annoying was that quite a few of my class mates got a little red around the ears whenever any of the terms came up.

madameduck said...

Haha! I needed a lol today. I certainly got one! :)

Matthew AT Banning said...

Wow! LMAO! What a way to start the my day! :D

Now I can smile all day as I rumage through the cupboards in the house to see what I can find. Won't my parents be happy about that!

lora96 said...

I really enjoyed those pics, personally.

But I can make something scandalous out of practically anything.

For example, husband was reading aloud from one of his favorite books (a fantasy/sf series) in which one of the characters has a premonitory dream and described it as follows:
"She remembered seeing Mat in her dream. He yelled 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' but she could not understand why he seemed to be looking at her when he said it."

Now I lmao'd at that. Husband was exceedingly puzzled as to why I thought it was so damn funny. He knew that "mat" was going to rescue her from a kidnapper. That is so not what I was thinking when I was laughing.

Debra L. Schubert said...

You naughty, naughty girl! Sex in the garage. Hmm. Sounds like something worth checking into...

Marybeth Poppins said...

LOVE IT!!! You totally crack me up!

Shadow said...

Okay Twana, next book must contain scene where characters discuss items in the garage! Let them explore their dirty thoughts.

Jeannie said...

Other than some mixed nuts in the pantry, nothing is jumping out at me right now. However, I remembered seeing this webpage, and thought you'd like it:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Funny_Food_Names_-_List_and_Pics

Suz said...

You have dirty things in your garage. Ours is just dirty.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_G-QPTx4jWT4/TG2MbTuFHnI/AAAAAAAAC2g/DX_gGOmbnqI/s1600/images.jpg

middle child said...

You have dirty things in your garage? I always seem to have dirty things in my brain. It can be amusing.

Jessica Lemmon said...

LMAO! That was *AWESOME* - I was laughing more at the idea of you dragging the items out one by one to photograph them for us.

Thanks for sharing - Mr. Lemmony had a good chuckle over them too!

Tawna Fenske said...

Caitlin, so what's the verdict? Did you find anything good in your garage?!

Sierra, yes, I gave great thought to the order of presentation.

Alexa, Asheville Screw and Bolt? That is hysterical! I hope they sold t-shirts with their logo on them.

Linda G, my dad is a golfer, so he and my husband never tire of making ball washing jokes.

Elizabeth, so some random stranger put wood in your garage? Wow, that sounds even dirtier than my stuff.

Lynda, my work here is done.

Patty, my husband follows car racing sometimes, and the Almondinger guy never stops being funny.

Margaret, now I'm picturing you sitting behind me, breathing down my neck.

Pamala, do I get a superhero cape & mask now?

Candyland, meow.

Christina, that's hilarious! Makes me wish I'd chosen to be an engineer, just so I could snicker all the time. Wait, I do that anyway.

Madameduck, I am here to give you whatever you need. Well, only if what you need is a bunch of dirty jokes to laugh at. Then I'm your gal.

Matthew, don't keep us in suspense, what did you find in the cupboard?

lora96, I would have laughed my a** off at that, too!

Debra, wait, were you peering in my garage last week?

Marybeth, glad to amuse you!

Shadow, I do have a carpenter in my current manuscript, and there may be a "stroking the wood" reference. Just sayin.

Jeannie, OK, that link is the funniest thing I've seen all week.

Suz, that is a filthy garage. I'm glad you live far away so you can't make me clean it for you.

middle child, it really does keep life interesting, doesn't it?

Jessica, yeah, pretty sure the neighbor wondered what the hell I was doing this morning.

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Margaret said...

Yeah, well, sorry about that onion sandwich I had for lunch ;).

Jemi Fraser said...

That was fun :) Gotta go see what I can find...

Brenda Sedore said...

Hilarious! I never would have thought of that. I guess that's why I read your blog. :-) Thanks for the laugh.

Brenda said...

Bawahahahha! I lost it on RIM CLEAN.

vanessapnoble said...

For work I type medical reports. Once I needed to find a particular model name of an item used in a tonsillectomy surgery. The item name ended with "mouth gag" and so I googled it. I don't think I really need to go more in detail with this story :)

Claire Dawn said...

I'm loving the Miracle Impregnator!!!

Tawna Fenske said...

Margaret, eeew!

Jemi Fraser, have you ever read Diana Gabaldon's OUTLANDER series? The swoon-worthy hero has a name that's very similar to yours. I always think of him when you comment :)

Brenda Sedore, wait, so are you saying I'm the only pervert here?

Brenda, (wow, two Brendas in a row, what are the odds?!) You know what's funny? That's the photo I ALMOST didn't include because I thought it might be going a little too far with the crude humor. Then I figured only the serious perverts would get it anyway, and if you're a serious pervert...well, you're not likely to be offended, are you?

vanessapnoble, OMG, that's hilarious! My dad (a middle school teacher) was trying to show one of his students how to google information on jet-skiing for a report he was doing for English class. They mistakenly used the phrase "water sports" as a search term. Suffice it to say, they saw a whole lot of stuff unsuitable for a middle school report.

Claire Dawn, no kidding, the impregnator was the last thing I spotted on the shelf. I giggled for a long time.

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Matthew AT Banning said...

ok, suspense over, these are a few of the things I found in the kitchen and the bathroom.

Dish soap - "Ultra Palmolive Aroma Sensations" The top of the bottle said "More Power In Every Drop!"

Floor and Bathroom cleaner - "Tough and Tender"

SOS Pads - it was the "Cleans from A to Z!" that caught my attention, you just need the right appendages for it.

Deodorant - "Speed Stick" for ladies without men. Also has "24 Hour Protection" at the top.

Nail Polish - "Wet 'N' Wild"

Some sort of spray, "Calming Air Enhancer." I figure it can go with the "Sterile Pads" (bandages) for clean up and not seeming so obvious.

Bath Inhalent - "Anti-Cold Bath" for fun in the tub.

Sun Screen - "Water Babies" The results!

Ivory Soap - "Not too much and not too little. Just the right amount of Lather. Just a little scent. And there you go."

Conditioning - says "Heat Activated" on the top. "Thermasilk" I immediately thought "Because underwear just isn't warm enough?"

And there you have it. My list of things that are dirty that i can add to yours! :)

Tawna Fenske said...

Matthew, ha! Those are hysterical! I especially like the tough and tender floor cleaner!

Tawna

squinto said...

Ah, I loved this. My garage isn't nearly as fun as yours.