Thursday, November 17, 2011

My realtor talks dirty to me


Selling my house wasn’t my first choice, but I’m rolling with the process and enjoying the little pleasures where I can find them.

Like the fact that my realtor talks dirty to me. She knows I’m a romance author, though I’m pretty sure she has no idea how fond I am of naughty innuendo. Here are just a few things she’s said in recent weeks that seriously had me biting my tongue to keep from laughing:
  • The sign will be there Friday, and he’ll call if he has a hard time sticking it in.
  • We had a little trouble getting it up, but the listing is live!
  • Is it OK if we come through the back door?
  • We’ll bring them by tonight, but they can’t get off until five.
  • The flyers are done, but we need someone to swing by and stuff them in the box.
  • We’re planning an event with all the other agents, but you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a dozen realtors to come at the same time.
That last one she said on the phone Tuesday night, and I swear she paused afterward like she was waiting for me to laugh.

You’ll be proud to know I didn’t. Much.

So have you heard any good innuendos lately? Please share!

I have to go trim the bush. What? She said it would make things look tidier in front.

16 comments :

Jessica Bell said...

LMAO!!!!!! :o) Thanks for the morning laugh, it really perked me up ;o)

Sarah W said...

Our children's librarian introduced us to this great online game called Thingdom, which teaches the players about genetics and heredity.

You choose a cute little Thing, raise it, and then chose a mate based on the genetic result you want in the babies (green skin, big ears, etc.). Then you attract the mate by performing a little task.

It's a great game and completely addictive for kids and adults alike, but there is no way to talk about these tasks without innuendo:

"I can't get my Thing up! It's too floppy."

"It keeps squirting me!"

"I need a bigger Thing to make this work!"

"I need to learn a Thing dance to make it love me."

This is my 8-year old saying this stuff, by the way, while I try not to snork because she'll ask me why I'm laughing. It hurts and my husband is no help at all.

Suz Korb said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! You're such a perv, Tawna. In a good way! :D

Skye said...

Your mind, Tawna, is a delight and a treasure. I'd like to get my mind to catch innuendo as quickly and easily as yours does. You are an inspiration.

And hysterical. I hope your realtor appreciates you!

LynnRush said...

ROTFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kimmullican.com said...

My girlfriend posted something on Facebook yesterday about an Underwear bomber - just COULDN'T help myself!

Jenna said...

I'm married to a Realtor. And yes, I hear all these regularly. I've gotten so used to getting it up and getting off and stuffing things in boxes that I don't even notice anymore. Which is kinda sad, really...

Samuel said...

haha I am a Realtor in my day job, and it is certainly its own form of madness. My fellow agents are just as mentally ill as I am, and it is the only way to survive the business... much as is the case for writers. No wonder I am crazy...

Missy Olive said...

I can only dream about being as funny as you.

Delia said...

You want innuendo? Watch a hockey game. There are sticks and creases involved.

cweaks said...

LOL...It's the little things that make us happiest, huh? :)

McKay said...

My friend's 3 year old this week asked her at the grocery store if "she liked horny music?" He was referencing the horns playing in the jazz music being piped into the store.

Another friend's 6 year old asked her at the mall food court "if she liked dicks?" Everyone turned and stared at her and she didn't know what to say. Then her daughter asked her again, this time pointing to the new Dick's sporting goods store. I told her she should have smiled and said "Yes!"

Harley May said...

Okay. The last cub scout meeting I attended was full of dirty talk and it was particularly awkward/hilarious being the only mother there in a room full of fathers.

We were making birdfeeders/houses.

"You've got to pound it there, like this. You've got it."

"Do you want me to stick this screw in and widen the hole?"

"Need this screw?"

"I'll hold it down like this and you just hammer away."

I looked up a few times absolutely certain that one of the other fathers would be stifling a smile, but they were all focused on ther...um...wood.

Kimberly Sabatini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Boone Brux said...

Thank God, I thought I was the only one who snickered at naughty innuendos. Thanks for the laugh...everybody. The comments were hysterical.

Allie Sanders said...

Okay, normally I don't comment weeks after the posting but I had such a do'h moment the other day I still laugh and blush when thinking about it.

I was talking to a customer as typed in his information on the computer. He was a little freaked out because I didn't once look at the keyboard and rarely glanced at the screen, having typed the information a billion times in the last few years.

Him: I can't type without looking at the keyboard. That's a little scary.

Me: I type too much. It's just a matter of practice. I never thought I'd be able to do anything but two-fingers.

pause

Me: I'll just get these. (dives into back room to laugh at myself.)