Thursday, September 15, 2011

How the freaks and perverts find me

Last November, I shared some of the weird search terms people have used to find this blog.

With eleven months and one book release behind us since then, I figured it was worth revisiting the subject to see if search habits have changed much.

The top terms people used to find this blog were pretty much the same – stuff you’d expect like my name, my book name, or the name of the blog.

Then there’s the stuff I found a little odder. Between November 2, 2010 and yesterday, 188 people found this blog by searching “romance authors and pets.”

I can see the Playboy centerfold now…

To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never mentioned my mother’s first name on this blog. Still, 72 people found this blog by searching “Dixie Fenske.”

Maybe she should have her own guest post?

I’m disturbed to see that this post about fornicating monkeys in Gibraltar remains one of the most popular ones I’ve ever written, and that nearly 200 people found it by googling some variation of “monkey sex” or “sex with monkeys.”

Seriously, people – therapy. Give it some thought.

Then there’s the weird stuff. Because monkey sex isn’t weird enough.

Behold, I give you some of my favorite bizarre search terms that led people to this blog in the last eleven months:

  • Creepy pervert tomato
  • Alien boobs
  • My husband bathed me
  • Women’s pigtail buns
  • Diaper under clothes
  • Chinese giant salamander
  • Big hairy butt
  • Penis pen
  • Check written for a traffic ticket in Montana on a pair of clean but tattered underwear
  • Accordion potatoes
  • You will not be disappointed i will make your toes curl in pleasure lets chat
  • Vasectomy wound left unstitched
  • Wearing pantyhose on the subway stories
  • 4 guys sharing hotel bed with
  • am i over the speedlimit while driving if i eat too many chocolates containing alcohol?
  • bad underwear ideas
  • boobs flash why do truckers honk at me
  • cats butt looks really big

Several of those I can figure out based on a handful of words I’ve used in blog posts, but many leave me scratching my head. If you’re a regular reader here, do you have any guesses how some of those searches led people here? Does Google Analytics give you any bizarre data about how people are finding your blog? Please share!

I really need to spend some time looking into that creepy pervert tomato thing.

13 comments :

Matthew MacNish said...

Most of those were me. It's a game I play with myself.

"What's the weirdest Google search I can come up with that will still lead to Tawna's blog?" I call it. It's a working title.

Sarah W said...

At the next RWA, you should organize a panel called "Creepy Pervert Tomato."

Or maybe a Barry Manilow cover band.

Scott Stillwell said...

Accordion potatoes. That's an unsolvable paradox. Brain shutting down.

My search terms are pretty boring. Although, if you google "sweet Belgian dancing skills," I'm the top two hits: three hits above Napoleon Dynamite in imdb. That's gotta count for something.

Angela Perry said...

If you want even more giggles, check out Google's webmaster tools. It keeps better track of search terms, because it shows when your blog in appeared in search results, not just when someone clicked the link.

So far, my favorites for my blog are "cow husband" and "moose ball." There for a while, I had a bunch of "angela perry dead" ones that creeped me out.

Patrick Alan said...

For the record, I found you via your agent of awesome and I just keep coming back.

And I am frightened to search your website to find "Vasectomy wound left unstitched"

If I have previously read it, I probably blacked out and forgot and would not like to relive the horror.

Also, when getting a vasectomy, I highly recommend against any habits of offsetting awkward situations with humor. As in, do not make the man with the soldering iron to your nutsack laugh.

dianehenders said...

Here are some of the more interesting searches that have led to my blog:
flow chart shit can it
man fukin beaver
riding my ass flow chart
why i hate the word panini
beavers want to do it big
hand job in men wc

Yes, I've used all those words in my posts at various times. Just not in those combinations...

Claire Dawn said...

3 people have found me by searching "breast shapes". ???

Also:
fail all the things
Japanese Jesus
naruto epic face
ookyook
theres sex

... and my personal fave:

all little girls faces sucking things

(what the heck was that post about?)

Adriana said...

Now I want to write a poem called Accordion Potatoes!!! And one called Creepy Pervert Tomato. Maybe it will be a whole series...

Oh, the awesomeness that is the internet! :) Thanks for sharing these, they made me laugh!

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

I confess: I'm responsible for at least one of the "Tawna Fenske vibrator" searches. But in my defense it was the only way I could figure out how to get back to the old post about the image at the top of your blog.

Just did a search term roundup as an easy sick-day post on MA101 yesterday. Coincidence? Hope you're not also sick...

Jason said...

I absolutely LOVE these posts...they never fail to crack me up. Going to do one for my blog here at some points.

#41 on my keyword list: my fetish northwest (my blog is called My Northwest Experience) I have no idea where this came from. I probably have never used the word "fetish" in my blog. However, three people got to my blog this way.

#60 - "i'm a good listener" Awww.

This, however, is my all-time favorite: "]]'[p;oljhit"

Okay then.

RJones said...

LMAO, those are some good ones.

There are super easy ways to fake the referrer header. Some people put crazy search terms in there, so every place they visit now has hits for crazy stuff showing up in their stats. That's probably where a few of the more obscure ones come from.

Tawna Fenske said...

Matthew, that's an excellent game. I hope you're winning?

Sarah, I would totally attend an RWA panel with ANY of those titles!

Scott, random, useless trivia of the day: I actually went to school with Jon Heder (the guy who plays Napoleon Dynamite). He was four years younger than me, but I was actually pretty good friends with his older sister.

Angela, um, yeah....I can see why you'd be creeped out by that one!

Patrick, oh dear. I can see the benefit in having a urologist who doesn't find you the least bit amusing.

dianehenders, I can't decide whether I'm more fond of "man fuckin' beaver" or "why i hate the word panini."

Claire Dawn, Oookyook? Words fail me.

Adriana, you know, I think accordion potatoes are a real dish where you make little slices all along the potato so it sorta fans out. I should google it. I swear I've never used the term on this blog.

Geoffrey, too funny about the sick day post. Nope, I'm feeling just ducky. Lazy, but ducky. I hope you feel better soon!

Jason, you really should consider cutting back on your blog posts about ]]'[p;oljhit. While ]]'[p;oljhit is clearly very interesting, you should be able to expand your horizons a bit beyond ]]'[p;oljhit from time to time.

RJones, you mean people are TRYING to be crazy? Like it doesn't just come naturally? Hmph.

Thanks for reading, guys!
Tawna

Natalie said...

O.M.G. seriously?! That is insane. I am going to have to go check mine now to see if people are finding me via perverted and unusual ways. LOL!