Monday, September 26, 2011

My cat is a filthy pervert

Three years ago, I walked into a pet store and spotted Blue Cat in a lineup of death-row shelter cats. He was enormous and mostly shaved, and his tags declared him to be 12 years old. Minus a brief stint where he was adopted, matted beyond repair, and returned to the shelter, Blue Cat had been incarcerated for over a year.

I’m a sucker for hard-luck stories, so I adopted Blue Cat and hauled him off to the vet where I learned he not only has a temper, but he wasn’t 12 years old. He was more like three or four.

It also didn’t take long to discover that Blue Cat is a filthy pervert. At first I thought he was just friendly. Whenever pals would visit, Blue Cat would climb into their laps for an affectionate greeting.

I soon realized that while he greets everyone, his greetings with female guests are especially friendly. Heaven help the bosomy houseguest who reclines on my sofa to watch a movie. Within five minutes, Blue Cat will locate her sweater potatoes, curl up between them, and purr until he drools.

Did I mention he’s male?

I’m subjected to the worst of it since I live with him full time. If I’m on my back asleep, Blue Cat will wake me with a dance routine conducted entirely on my chest. If I’m seated at my computer writing, he will find his way into my lap, stretch one paw up, and hook his claws in my boob to anchor himself in place.

I try not to be embarrassed when he cops a feel with female visitors. All things considered, it could be worse. When I was a kid, my parents had a Chihuahua with a humping habit. It wasn’t so bad when he confined the activity to his teddy bear or bed, but things got dicey when he took a fancy to my aunt’s fluffy perm and mounted her head from the back of the sofa.

Have you ever had a pet with poor social skills? Is it best to just ignore my pervert cat’s behavior, or should I make an effort to civilize him? Please share!

And please let me know if you have a good method for extracting cat claws from tender flesh. Hypothetically speaking.


Anne Gallagher said...

Truthfully, he's a very smart cat. His obsession with boobs, means he knows what they are, and obviously being male, he knows what they're used for.

Sounds like he was weaned off his mother too young.

Sarah W said...

"Sweater potatoes"? Really?

We used to have a cat who liked to stick his nose down people's mouths to investigate what they'd just eaten. It made parties fun.

To unhook a cat's claws, gently squeeze his 'fingers' to loosen his grip and pull up and out.

Shain Brown said...

In high school my best friend's dad owned bulldog, and he loved two things. His play rope and his need to pass a stink bomb next to anyone that moved him.

Linda G. said...

LOL! From death row to regularly cuddling up in racks? I'd say Blue Cat lives a charmed life.

Josh Kruschke said...

Cats have all the luck and lives.


I be jealous,

Geoffrey Cubbage said...

Well, Miss Mina's favorite "toy" is anything moving under fabric. Something about that traveling lump just triggers the primal urge to pounce.

You know how guys sometimes need to reach down and adjust things a little...?

Jason said...

Too, too funny. I can't claim to have had a pet with this kind of poor social skills - just a dog that didn't like people outside of the pack. Or dogs of any kind.

However, I've learned to become an expert at removing cat claws since we bought our Bengals nine years ago. The key is to grab at the "wrist" and then pull the paw gently away from the cat (meaning, in the picture you posted, pull the paw towards you). Claws curl inwards when they extend, so if you try and pull them straight out your clothes will become full of snags.

This is much more difficult than it sounds. In related news, all my clothes have snags... Sigh. So hard to have nice things...

Julie Glover said...

Your posts make me laugh out loud! I don't have any perv pets at the moment, but I don't have warm fuzzy feelings toward dogs. Part of that is because my childhood friend's doberman pincher would sniff your crotch. It's very disarming to have an attack dog's nose in your private area. I'm a cat owner myself.

Patrick Alan said...

I want to be more cat-like.

Sierra said...

One of our cats likes to follow people into the bathroom and purr at them, rub against their legs, or sit on the counter and tap their shoulder while they use the toilet. With me, he's started taking it a step further - love bites on my bare thigh. *facepalm*

Our other cat was so bad at retracting her claws that she'd get stuck to the carpet while walking, or halfway up their scratching tower. Her nickname was Velcro Kitty. Cuddling her was quite painful sometimes because she'd sink her needle-claws into your shoulder and couldn't get them out without help. Then we got the Soft Paws claw tips for her front paws, and ohmyGOD it's a thousand times better. Blue Cat would probably eat you if you tried to put those on him, though... :/

Laurie Lamb said...

My Boxer has a leg fetish--especially legs moisturized with scented lotion. She sneaks up and makes a production of licking the air before she moves in for the real thing. Maybe she's part snake.

Anonymous said...

HA! Hilarious! I feel your pain. My Springer Spaniel, Duke, has a humping problem. Thankfully, he chooses to take out his manhood on our other dog, Ruby. Last night he must have been feeling especially frisky. I had to take him off her literally 25+ times. Seriously, dog, how much do you need it when we chopped off your manhood?

My mother-in-law once asked me if we had him neutered. "Yes!" I replied. But apparently, he's got an extra pair hidden somewhere. The real problem comes when Ruby--who is a little slow, in my opinion--tries to hump him back. Yeah, it's just not pleasant.

Good luck with your kitty! :)

N.M. Martinez said...

My male cat is also a pervert, lol. I once caught him rolling in my unmentionables when I had missed the laundry basket. And he likes belly rubs, but if you start, at some point he will use his paws to push your rubs lower.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even like him in the bedroom when I dress. He's a sweet, quiet kitty, but he's also a little creepy with the way he watches you.

Of course, his favorite time of the day is when my boyfriend is getting ready for work. He likes to follow him into the bedroom while he gets dressed.

So, I guess, at least my cat is equal opportunity.

Matthew MacNish said...

Trying to modify a cat's behavior is a lesson in futility, but I can't say that I blame him.

Felicity said...

My female cat Sassy is a pervert as well. Like N.M. Martinez's boy kitty, she likes to roll around in my unmentionables... has even been known to wear them as a superhero mask.

Unknown said...

Apparently male dogs can sense when a woman has a period. I have experienced this close hand with a very untender nose poked hard against my nether regions.

Anonymous said... the hair-humping story!

My old lady rat terrier likes to have her butt scratched...the one place she can't quite reach. And her fave place to catch a captive audience with nothing else to when you're sitting on the toilet. If you don't push the door till it clicks, she'll shove her way in and turn around and point her booty at you for a scratch.


LOL, I'm totally cracking up over the pervert pet stories. Glad I'm not alone. My mom emailed this morning after this post went live and joked that I'd revealed her dirty little secret about the pervert chihuahua. To this day, we're not sure my aunt knew what he was doing up there on her head!

Anne, I'm not sure if he knows what boobs are for, or if he just likes the texture.

Sarah, I blatantly stole "sweater potatoes" from MAKING WAVES. It was in the scene where Phyllis and Juli are talking about what might grab Jake's attention.

Shain, someone fed the dog some leftovers last night, so believe me when I say I feel your pain.

Linda G, makes me wonder if whoever dumped him at the pound didn't appreciate his pervert habits!

Josh, well, he did have to get neutered. He doesn't have ALL the luck :)

Geoffrey, oh dear. Thank you for that visual!

Jason, wait, so I'm taking advice from the guy with snags in all his clothes?!

Julie, ugh, crotch sniffers are the worst. Awkward for everyone (except maybe the dog).

Patrick, I'll make you an appointment to have your nuts lopped off at once. Then I'll buy you a scratching post.

Sierra, on more than one occasion, I've had a dog and two cats follow me into the bathroom. The best is when the dog rests her chin on my underwear. Good times.

Laurie, every boxer I've ever known has a licking fetish. It must be a breed thing.

Jessie, you must post video of this on YouTube!

NM Martinez, I'm totally picturing this creepy, leering pervert cat now. Priceless!

Matthew, what's that expression? Managing people is like herding cats. There's a reason that's such a funny expression.

Felicity, please say you have photos of that?!?!?

Malin, canine charm knows no bounds, does it?

Sharla, who doesn't enjoy a good butt scratch every now and then?

Thanks for reading, guys!

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention above that when Ruby, our female tries to hump Duke back, she inevitably goes for the wrong end. It's even more amusing to see her trying to hump his head. Like I said, she's a little slow! :)

To all commenting: I've thoroughly enjoyed the entertainment today! :)

Patty Blount said...

*howls with laughter*

Best comeback EVAH - "Patrick, I'll make you an appointment to have your nuts lopped off and buy you a scratching post."

Emilia Quill said...

I used to take my neighbour's dog out, he was neutered and paid no attention to female dogs until he met the one: a small, slender, red irish setter.

Beery (the dog) shouldn't have fancied the dog yet I had to pull him off the poor female several times because the hound pulled himself free before I could put him on a leash!

My own dog likes to lick people; ears, teeth, nose, between toes...She also drags her dirty old Sulley (from Monsters Inc.) toy from where we hid it and starts humping the toy in front of guests.

Luckily she's cute and fluffy, so it's funny.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried clipping Blue Cat's nails?

It's not de-clawing, just clipping like you would a human finger/toenail.

Our cat gets her nails clipped, by me, about once every two weeks with kid-sized fingernail clippers. I do it while she's sleeping.

Her claws have never caught on anything, she's totally unable to climb the backyard fence or trees, or scratch my young twins.

I can usually get about a paw or two done before she wakes up and gives me the stank-eye, but she's used to it now and lets me continue.

Christi Corbett

Amanda Jeanette said...

You know what they say, about cats and their owners... your dirty mind might be rubbing off on him.

Which makes me wonder what it says about me that D.V. follows people into the bathroom to peer around the shower curtain and watch them with big, yellow cat eyes. Occasionally he'll get in with you, but mostly -- he likes to watch.

Um... no, he doesn't get it from me?

Penelope said...

Ha! For whatever reason, this does not surprise me at all.

Thanks for the laugh, Tawna.

The Merry said...

A filthy pervert sounds natural. A prim pervert, that would worry me.

Iain said...

you wait until he realises that he can leave grope prints on you boobs if he comes in after it's been raining.
My white cats like to cover you in white fur if you are weraing dark colours. They make a bee line for you. If you are wearing white, then the find a muddy puddle, and come in are jump on you before you realise.

Dr. Cheryl Carvajal said...

The perm--oh, what an image!

My kitty isn't too perverted, but he definitely likes me best. His favorite thing is to wrap a paw around my arm when I'm petting him, but he also often dips his paw right down my blouse.

The hubby notices this pretty quickly. Could a rivalry be developing?

erin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erin said...

OMG! The post and the comments are too, too funny! I have 3 dogs. The 2 step doggies are: Female is 70 pd German short hair pointer and the male is 20 pd mini beagle. Well the boyfriend didn't get them fixed b/c he thought that they wouldn't be able to physically get it on. Well, he came home one day and caught them "in the act". Well, the female stood up and the beagle was literally hanging from her vajaja. My BF had to go and extract him and for the next week, the beagle whimpered as he peed b/c his boy part was bruised and swollen. Surprise, surprise... 6 puppies later... We kept one and he is perfectly in the middle. My "Baby Sam" is my comment pic. Let's just say that Max the mini beagle *luuuvs* big girls and we had to get him fixed. :)
That's the only really funny story that I think of, other than the BF complaining of waking up to a paw in the butt crack (b/c one of the dogs is always in between us in bed and manages to get a paw in his shorts). :)

julie fedderson said...

We had a German Shorthaired Pointer when I was a kid. She was the greatest dog, but if you happened to crawl in front of her, things veered into doggy porn quickly. I never understood why a female dog was so into humping people.

Pet Taxi said...

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Pet Taxi

Kristen Lamb said...

ROFL. My dog Ladybird had an embarrassing episode with a stuffed toy. There were pictures, and it didn't reignite her career in acting. She didn't understand that she was a Chihuahua, not Paris Hilton. She kept saying, "Hey a bi%$# is a bi$#@, right?" Can't fault her reasoning.

Leigh Royals said...

Jessie's slow dog should meet Allie Brosh's slow dog. Hilarity WILL ensue!

Hannah said...

LOL, I'm allergic to most pets, but my nephew had a bit of a feet fetish when he was 2. He would crawl under the table and play with girl's feet when my sister had company. Too funny.

Stacy said...

ROTFL! Your kitty is definitely a pervert, and the hair humping story was hysterical.

We have 3 dogs - a Golden and 2 mini doxies. The Golden loves to follow me into the bathroom for his petting, and he's also got a fetish with my neck. He does everything he can to bury his snout in it.

And my female doxie is a humper. Every night after supper, the two go into their kennel and she precedes to whale on the boy. He just lays there curled up, grunting until she's finished. It's totally embarrassing when we have company, and of course my five-year-old daughter has pointed out more than once that Maggie is "jumping on" Sammy.